Archive for the ‘Fat People’ Category

But I’m a Suck­er for Any­thing In­volv­ing Kit­tens

Large black guy #1: Yo, check out that chick­’s ear­rings.
Large black guy #2: Damn, they even match her out­fit.
Large black guy #1: That’s, like, a whole new lev­el of match­ing.
Large black guy #2, to girl: Yo, did you make those?
Girl: No, my sis­ter did.
Large black guy #2: I reeeal­ly like those.

–1 train

Over­heard by: i like them too

How Many Weight Watch­ers Points Are in a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Young man: You’re fat be­cause you need to re­lease. Look at me, that’s why I’m slim and sexy. I beat off every day.

–Prospect Heights, Brook­lyn

Sales­girl to sales­girl friend: I wan­na thank you for tak­ing the time to re­peat­ed­ly hit me in my arm fat and make it jig­gle.

–Hen­ri Ben­del

Over­heard by: Stephan Dion

Pro­fes­sor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around class­room and no­tices there are some fat girls) …most­ly.

–Fash­ion In­sti­tute of Tech­nol­o­gy

Suit to an­oth­er: All I’m try­ing to say is, she’s not tall enough for her weight.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: ed­napon­tel­li­er

Black girl: Fat peo­ple can do splits be­cause they have no bones.

–Piz­za Place, St. Mark’s Place

Five-year-old to very over­weight man while wait­ing for Thanks­giv­ing Day pa­rade: Are you one of the bal­loons?

–Broad­way & 50th St

Over­heard by: Pe­ter

I Did­n’t Know I Was Wednes­day One-Linered

Smok­ing man to an­oth­er: I’ve heard be­ing preg­nant is re­al­ly bad for your health.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: CS

Large black woman: An’ I been tellin’ him I got all these ideas for t‑shirts… Like one for a preg­nant la­dy that says “Con­grat­u­la­tions, you’re not the dad­dy!”

–BX12 Bus

Over­heard by: shayshay

NYU boy on cell: Wait, you’re preg­nant? You’re preg­nant!? I thought you were just fat. (pause) But he said he did­n’t come in you, just on your face.

–Union Square

Woman to date: Let’s go get preg­nant!

–San­tos Par­ty House, Lafayette St

Over­heard by: al­isa

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Wish They Could DVR Their Lives, In­stead

Young woman on el­e­va­tor to friend: I have a date this Thurs­day with a guy I met on match.com, and I was so ex­cit­ed, but then I re­mem­bered Thurs­day is Grey’s Anato­my! I mean, I’m DVRing it, but that’s so not the same.

–Wall St.

Over­heard by: krazy­hip­pie

Large 40-some­thing woman: But I’m not gonna be on Mau­ry sayin’, “I’m 100% sure!” Be­cause I’m not!

–10th St & FDR

20-some­thing woman on cell: It’s white, sleeveless…well, you don’t watch Gos­sip Girl but it’s to­tal­ly Blair-wor­thy.

–W 19th & 5th Ave

Ap­palled girl to friend: So, I guess he just could­n’t hold it in and need­ed to share with every­one around him, so he just shout­ed out “Fuck! I miss Gos­sip Girl!”

–Mer­cer & W 3rd

Saucy Lati­na: Tele­mu­n­do makes BET look like The His­to­ry Chan­nel.

–171st St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: The Low Hat

Guy to friend: My girl­friend is cool if you and your boys are…she loves the BBC when she’s high.

–PATH Sta­tion

Over­heard by: smjc­nj

30-some­thing woman on cell: Re­mem­ber sea­son one of The Hills? What a sim­pler time.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: The Evil Tri­an­gle

What’s a Nice Wednes­day Like You Do­ing in a One-Lin­er Like This?

Creep­ster to woman with child en­ter­ing train: You can sit here. There’s no rea­son to be stand­ing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much bet­ter when you were stand­ing.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got to­geth­er, we could make the next Oba­ma.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagi­na Whis­per­er.”

–Moe’s Bar. Brook­lyn

Guy hit­ting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do some­thing weird… I’ll pour hon­ey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the clos­et and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I’ll pour but­ter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the but­ter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Old­er fat man yelling at at­trac­tive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beau­ti­ful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.

–Broad­way & Hewes, Brook­lyn

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Look Ter­ri­ble in Neon Or­ange

20-some­thing woman to man: You’ve nev­er been ar­rest­ed? I have nev­er met any­one that has not been ar­rest­ed!

–Le Char­lot Restau­rant, Up­per East Side

An­gry guy on cell: If you ever send e‑mail to my fam­i­ly again, I will wait out­side your apart­ment door! (pause) I got ar­rest­ed! I spent Thanks­giv­ing in jail!

–11th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Mis­sPinkKate

Man in US Cor­rec­tion­al Ser­vices jack­et to an­oth­er look­ing around hec­ti­cal­ly in a large crowd: Make sure we don’t lose him!

–Penn Sta­tion

Chub­by well-dressed black dude to skin­ny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Over­heard by: Miss­Mae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she’s like a young girl, and she’s dri­ving me nuts. It’s like al­ways a fight with her. I mean, she’s so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she’s a sweet­heart. I mean, she’s a good girl. So young. Like, we’ve been to­geth­er for 7 months and that ain’t noth­ing to me, but to her it’s a big deal. And I’m all like, shit, I’ve been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don’t know what she’s bitch­ing about. I don’t need her to make me mis­er­able. I can make my­self mis­er­able.

–Metro-North Train

Over­heard by: Meaghan

Fran Dresch­er sound-alike: What’s wrong with you? Don’t ap­plaud, I’m go­ing to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mull­ber­ry Street

Over­heard by: Adam Nathan