Girl #1: Oh my god, he is *so* hot!
Girl #2: That’s a woman!
Girl #1: Oh my god! Does that make me gay? Am I gay?
–Central Park
Archive for the ‘Fears’ Category
Little Girl: Mom, Why Do Fat Girls Wear Tight Clothes?
Chick #1, passing little girl on the street: Did you see that little girl?
Chick #2: What?
Chick #1: She gave me the stink eye! That little four-year-old bitch gave me the stink eye!
Chick #2 (turns around to look at the little girl who’s still staring at them): Holy shit, she’s still looking! That bitch is crazy. Run!
–Union Square
The Rocky Horror Mother Goose Ruined My Whole Generation
Girl: I had a wonderful childhood. (looks at photos of a child)
Boy: Yeah? I fuckin’ had to listen to Tim Curry narrating nursery rhymes… That’s terrifying.
–Pier 92
Wednesday One-Liners Cunt Hardly Wait
Thuggette: She just went in there to scoop her vagina out and then she came back.
–Hudson River Park
Teenage girl on cell: Yeah, I got a Brazilian wax for the first time yesterday. And now I’m afraid of the power of my own vagina.
–1 Train
Overheard by: westchester girl
Adorable little girl: I was born in 2002, from my mom’s vagina.
–New York Harbor
Overheard by: Barry P.
Man to woman: Ohhhh, is she the one with maggots in her vagina?
–51st & 9th
Overheard by: Highstein
Chick on cell: Tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it. Or even better, in her vagina. (sarcastically) Ooh, penetration!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Very large black man: My penis’ jus’ as impo-tant as her vagina.
Small meek white man: (nods in agreement or fear)
–A Train
The New-Car Smell Of Wednesday One-Liners
Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen’s arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!
–Brooklyn
Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You’ve got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.
–74th St & Park Ave
Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn’t take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin’ and poppin’ pills and I want everyone to be safe!
–Union Square
Overheard by: rpk
Professor: So how many of you drive pick-up trucks?… Oh wait we’re in New York City, don’t see many pick-up trucks here… And why is that? Well of course it’s because you’d park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there’s an awkward conversation… “Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent… That’d be excellent.”
–St. John’s University, Queens
NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that’s all he’s looking at! It’s like he’s not even buying the car for me. He’s so selfish!
–Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angie
Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: “I programmed my car to sound just like you!”
–89th St & 5th Ave
It’s a Tale As Old As Time
Preppy blonde: And I would be in the alley, all secret… And then out of nowhere people in the street would hear “Fuck yeah–crack!” coming from the alley, and then the police would come, and I would totally be saying goodbye to my chances at Yale.
Tiny brunette friend: Yeah, totally.
–82nd & York
Wednesday One-Liners Regret Listening to Their Biological Clocks
Mother to screaming toddler: Stop it. This is not your day. This is my day. Don’t ruin it.
–Gourmet Garage
Southern woman to son: The WWE pose, just like we practiced in the backyard now.
–NBC Studios
Overheard by: Tracy
Mother yelling at three little well-dressed girls: Do not open that bottle of glitter! Do not! If you know glitter… (holding her arms out making a rainbow sort of gesture) Shit flies!
–Central Park
Overheard by: chellie
Very young mother to four-year-old son: Stop that! If you don’t start behavin’ I’m gonna send you in for the new model!
–R Train
Overheard by: Kait
Ghetto mom to young son running his hand along outside window while walking: Don’t do that! You gonna get germs! Yo’ hand gonna fall off!
–45th b/w 3rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Lili Von Shtupp
Very serious mother: Well, Megatron could beat Optimus because he’s stronger. But Optimus is smarter, so he can outsmart Megatron.
–East Village
Mom holding little boy’s hand: Forget everything you’ve seen today.
–Mermaid Parade, Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Not forgetting ANYTHING we saw today
To Be Fair, the Elderly Man Wasn’t Wearing Pants Either
Five-year-old girl pissing behind tree to mother trying to talk to elderly man with dog: Look mommy! Look! I’m making a pee-pee behind the tree.
Mother: Yes, sweetie, that’s very nice. (returns to conversation with man)
Girl: Mommy! I’m still peeing! I’m still peeing!
Mother: Uh-huh. Well, pull your pants up when you’re done.
Girl: Mommy, there’s a squirrel! Hi, squirrel!
Old man: Careful! They have rabies and they’ll eat you!
Girl, running towards mother with no pants: Aaaaaah!
–Riverside Park
Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of Entertainment
Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don’t know. Hell’s Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem’s still bad, but it’s not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
Because When I Wasn’t at the Library I Was Having Sex
Girl #1: Again? That’s twice this week.
Girl #2: Yeah, I really think I am a nymphomaniac.
–3rd Ave & 60th St
