Archive for the ‘Fire’ Category

C’­mon, Ba­by, Light My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: You have to stop set­ting your broth­er on fire.

–Broad­way

Over­heard by: sandm

Stu­dent to pro­fes­sor: Uri­nat­ing on fire? What the hell, Freud?

–Wag­n­er Col­lege, Stat­en Is­land

Tool on cell: If burn­ing leaves in the school­yard is wrong, I don’t wan­na be right!

–E 44th St & 2nd Ave

Blond woman: And that was the night I burned my eye­brows off!

–Union Square

Some guy: I spent all of last night search­ing my body for it, but I promise you if I find it, I’ll burn it.

–The Vil­lage

Old­er woman at art gallery, look­ing at the price list: That burns my ass. Sor­ry, but that burns my ass.

–57th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, in a Nut­shell.

Man in car at stop­light on cell: Yeah, so I grabbed a tow­el for my nuts and ran down the stairs. Yes, I cov­ered my nuts. So I run down the stairs cov­er­ing my nuts with a tow­el be­cause I knew where the smoke was com­ing from!

–127th & Lenox

Street tough to guy in wheel­chair: So you kicked him in the nuts? (shrugs) Yeah, word.

–E 2nd St & Ave C

Over­heard by: Ben Couch

Crazy man: Where’s Howie? Where’s my fa­vorite nut-nut?

–Han­son Place

Over­heard by: JBeck

Dude on cell while rid­ing bi­cy­cle: It’s hang­ing off your nuts?

–Williams­burg

Mom 20-some­thing daugh­ter head­ing to Penn Sta­tion: Should we grab our nuts, at least?

–7th Ave & 34th St

Over­heard by: Just don’t grab my nuts

Smokey Says, “On­ly You Can Pre­vent Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!”

Guy: So I’m like, “can I get a lighter?” and she pulls out two, and one is lit­er­al­ly a pe­nis with the flame com­ing out the tip, and the oth­er one is a guy do­ing one of these moves, and the guy’s like a tri­pod. So I’m like, “can I get one in a nor­mal col­or?”

–Chi­na­town

African Amer­i­can man de­scrib­ing In­di­an restau­rant to friend: That’ll put fire in yo’ ass.

–Mid­town

Man to stranger: Hey, can I bor­row you lighter? I need to go melt some­thing in the bath­room.

–Ja­maica Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Tim

Con­duc­tor: Once again, there is noth­ing on fire! We got it un­der con­trol. We apol­o­gize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark air­port. There is noth­ing on fire.

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Where there’s smoke

Wednes­day P.A.-Liners

Build­ing fire safe­ty su­per­vi­sor, over in­ter­com: At­ten­tion! This is your fire safe­ty su­per­vi­sor. The alarm you are hear­ing was ac­ci­den­tal­ly trig­gered by a de­liv­ery per­son on the 18th floor. Re­peat, the alarm was ac­ci­den­tal­ly trig­gered. There is no fire. I will con­tin­ue to keep you alarmed through­out the day.

–5th & 57th

Over­heard by: Paul Tabach­neck

MTA work­er over in­ter­com: At­ten­tion ladies and gen­tle­men, there is no n or r train ser­vice at this sta­tion. I re­peat: no n or r train ser­vice at this sta­tion. (re­peats this rough­ly a dozen times) You hear that? No trains. Not even half a train. No. Trains.

–59th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: was hop­ing there was a chance of a train…

Fe­male an­nounc­er, with a lit­tle at­ti­tude: At­ten­tion peo­ple stand­ing on the up­town lo­cal plat­form! Why are you stand­ing there? No trains are stop­ping at that plat­form; they’re all on the ex­press track, like that c train stop­ping right now.

–34th St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: go­ing down­town, thank you

An­nounc­er: We would like to re­mind all pas­sen­gers that there is no smok­ing on MTA plat­forms. Es­pe­cial­ly blunts. (guy smok­ing blunt in sta­tion leaves)

–High Street Sta­tion

Loud­speak­er: Will James please come to the cour­tesy desk? Your wife is lost.

–Stop ‘n’ Shop, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Emi­ly