Archive for the ‘Flight Attendants’ Category

Full Frontal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dude to an­oth­er: Yeah, but she got a yeast in­fec­tion from sit­ting around naked on muffins all day.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: chris

Art­sy guy on cell: No, no, she’s not naked… But you want to see her naked!

–12th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: EthanK

Flight at­ten­dant: Your pi­lot for the flight to­day is Buck Naked. Your first of­fi­cer is Justin Case. That’s just in case Buck Naked de­cides to get buck wild.

–La­Guardia

Dude: I heard that all they do there is have sex and drink beer… And have naked snow­ball fights.

–41st & 7th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Lives Are in the Hands of Cyn­i­cal Strangers

Pi­lot: For those of you seat­ed on the left, if you look out of your win­dow you can see the beau­ti­ful Man­hat­tan sky­line. For those seat­ed on the right… thank you for fly­ing Unit­ed.

–Flight to Newark

Over­heard by: will

Cap­tain: Good morn­ing, ladies and gen­tle­men. I’m your cap­tain, James T. Kirk, and to­day I’ll be as­sist­ed by my copi­lot, Ricky Bob­by.

–Jet­Blue flight, JFK

Over­heard by: jew­ish girl

Flight at­ten­dant: Wel­come to New York’s La­Guardia air­port, where the lo­cal time is way too ear­ly in the morn­ing!

–Red-eye flight from Ft. Laud­erdale, FL

Over­heard by: Jo­han­na Cipol­la

Fe­male flight at­ten­dant: In re­sponse to the many re­quests about what in-flight movies will be play­ing I have de­cid­ed to make a pub­lic an­nounce­ment: we are play­ing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxy­gen mask per seat, and two in the bath­room. Why there are two in the bath­room — your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleas­ant flight.

–South­west flight to JFK

Flight at­ten­dant on PA: Be care­ful when open­ing the over­head bins. Items can shift dur­ing flight and fall on you, or even, God for­bid, me.

Over­heard by: Earth­born

–Amer­i­can Air­lines flight, JFK

Flight at­ten­dant: Please take out the safe­ty cards in your seat’s back pock­et and pre­tend to fol­low along.

–Unit­ed flight 7418, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Na­talya Petro­v­na

Flight at­ten­dant: Thank you for lis­ten­ing to the safe­ty an­nounce­ment for this Boe­ing 777 ser­vice to At­lanta… [Pro­ceeds in low whis­per] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don’t want any bev­er­ages. Close your eyes and sleeep

–Red-eye flight, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Drewp

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Join the Jet Set

In­ter­com voice: If you heard your name, or some­thing that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leav­ing!

–Air­Tran gates, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Se­bas­t­ian White

Se­cu­ri­ty of­fi­cial: Okay, peo­ple, have your board­ing pass­es out! If you don’t have your board­ing pass­es out, I’m send­ing you to Am­trak!

–Se­cu­ri­ty screen­ing line, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Beth T

Pi­lot, on crowd­ed run­way: Wel­come to the park­ing lot known as La­Guardia Air­port.

–La­Guardia Tar­mac

Pi­lot: The mist you are see­ing is caused by a dif­fer­ence in tem­per­a­ture. The tem­per­a­ture out­side is dif­fer­ent from the tem­per­a­ture in­side. Once we close the door and pre­pare for take-off, the mist will dis­ap­pear, which will make us very sad be­cause we like mist.

–Jet­blue flight in­to New York

Over­heard by: Denise

Pi­lot: Good af­ter­noon, pas­sen­gers. We are about to make our fi­nal de­scent in­to John F. Kennedy In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port, so buck­le your seat­belts and hold on tight.

–Flight in­to JFK

Over­heard by: fre­quent fly­er

Sassy flight at­ten­dant: In the event of a loss of cab­in pres­sure, oxy­gen masks will be re­leased from the over­head above your seat. Af­ter the scream­ing sub­sides, please place the oxy­gen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are trav­el­ing with a child or an adult who is act­ing like a child, place your mask on first be­fore at­tempt­ing to help put theirs on.

–Flight out of La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Ron­nie F

Flight at­ten­dant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke in­side, you came to the wrong state.

–Spir­it Air flight in­to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Kathryn

Wednes­day Still Re­mem­ber When You Could One-Lin­er in Bars

Young hip­ster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cig­a­rette from you?

–Prince St

Over­heard by: Kris­ten W.

Flight at­ten­dant on PA: We’d like to re­mind you that this is a non-smok­ing ser­vice to Lon­don, but pas­sen­gers are per­mit­ted to smoke out­side the cab­in at any point dur­ing the flight.

–British Air­ways Flight to Heathrow

Crazy man: Smok­ing leads di­rect­ly to pros­ti­tu­tion!

–66th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: volup­tuous­grl

Dude: I’ve been smok­ing since I came out of my mom’s cooch.

–Hop Scotch Cafe

Woman with raspy voice: Man, cig­a­rettes are so ex­pen­sive now. When I start­ed smok­ing, it was on­ly a $1.25 a pack. Un­less I bought them off my mom, she on­ly charged 75 cents a pack.

–4 Train, Union Square

Over­heard by: Chris­tine

Mom to sev­en-year-old son: Come on, let’s go out for a cig­a­rette. (looks around ner­vous­ly at oth­er au­di­ence mem­bers) Well, not that you smoke.

–In­ter­mis­sion, Rent

Jet-Pro­pelled Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Pi­lot: We’re on our way to New York where the weath­er is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

–Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Laud­erdale to JFK

Flight at­ten­dant an­nounc­ing board­ing call: If you have giv­en up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.

–La­Guardia

Unit­ed Air­lines em­ploy­ee on PA: Okay, ladies and gen­tle­men, we’re go­ing to use the last-one-on-is-a-rot­ten-egg method of board­ing here.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Hour-and-a-Half De­layed

Pi­lot, as the seat­belt sign goes off: All rise.

–Air­tran flight from At­lanta to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Deb­bie Kate

Stew­ardess: Ex­cuse me, ladies and gen­tle­men, if I could have your at­ten­tion I would very much ap­pre­ci­ate it. My par­ents paid thou­sands of dol­lars to put me through col­lege for a the­ater arts and com­mu­ni­ca­tions de­gree, and since this is the on­ly time the air­line ever puts a mi­cro­phone in my hand, I’m sure they would re­al­ly ap­pre­ci­ate it, too.

–Unit­ed flight from La­Guardia to Chica­go

Over­heard by: Ellen

Air­line rep­re­sen­ta­tive: Pag­ing La… La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Pag­ing… Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: De­layed

Pi­lot: Why, hel­lo, every­one! This is your cap­tain, Bud Howard, and your copi­lot, Har­vey the Rab­bit. The FCC or FCA… Some fan­cy or­ga­ni­za­tion told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-bud­get and en­ter­tain­ing movie on how to act on a Unit­ed flight. Ba­si­cal­ly, if you’ve been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seat­belt. You can’t be jumpin’ up and down like a jim­my-crick­et, and the soon­er you watch it the soon­er I can push this big moth­er. Last­ly, my young Je­di here says he’ll fly us so I’m go­ing to take a lit­tle nap while our copi­lot does every­thing. Re­lax. Any­one does­n’t know what I said, find the near­est south­ern­er and ask for a trans­la­tion.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: this one goes out to dan cao

Wednes­day How Many Lin­ers?

Cute guy to Ger­man flight at­ten­dant on lay­over: So, do you have cars in Ger­many?

–Bar­racu­da

Over­heard by: bar­keep­er

Girl: So, my mom is Jew­ish and my dad is Chris­t­ian. Does that make me, like, bi-racial?

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Still ashamed I go to school here

His­pan­ic high school girl: Is the Fourth of Ju­ly al­ways on a Fri­day?

–N Train

Over­heard by: D‑Law

Guy to friend: Well, that’s nice, they have these ma­chines set up for the vi­su­al­ly im­paired, but what about the deaf peo­ple?

–ATM, 38th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: jen­ny­ooooo

Stu­dent: Is Swedish even a lan­guage?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Truck­er: What are you, stu­pid, or both?

–M86 Crosstown Bus

The Wednes­day One-lin­ers Red Eye

Stew­ardess la­dy: If there is a sud­den change in cab­in pres­sure, a mask com­part­ment above your seat will open au­to­mat­i­cal­ly. If this hap­pens, quick­ly reach for the near­est mask and pull it down firm­ly. Con­tin­ue to breathe nor­mal­ly. If you are trav­el­ling with a small child, or some­one who acts like a small child, please se­cure your mask and then as­sist them.

–JFK

Over­heard by: Amy

A Re­al New York­er Would Just Flip Her the Bird.

Flight at­ten­dant to woman who has just placed her bird on her arm be­fore take off: Ma’am, I’m go­ing to need you to se­cure that bird be­fore we be­gin taxi­ing.
Bird la­dy: But it is se­cure. Aren’t you, peach­es? You like it out here, don’t you?
Flight at­ten­dant: Please just se­cure the bird, ma’am.

–Run­way, JFK

Over­heard by: es­cap­ing to ve­gas

Econ­o­my-Class Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Air­Tran flight at­ten­dant over in­ter­com: We hope you ladies and gen­tle­men had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the win­dows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.

–La­Guardia

Air­line em­ploy­ee over loud­speak­er: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Air­line loud­speak­er, 10 min­utes lat­er: Se­ri­ous­ly, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Air­line Loud­speak­er, 10 more min­utes lat­er: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

–JFK Air­port

Over­heard by: Kim

Flight at­ten­dant: The cap­tain has ad­vised us that our fly­ing time will be quick, at an al­ti­tude of high and a speed of fast.

–JFK air­port

Flight at­ten­dant: We do en­counter bumps be­tween the run­way and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the cap­tain’s fault. It’s the as­phalt.

–JFK air­port

Flight At­ten­dant: Thank you for fly­ing US Air­ways, and have a hap­py… hap­py… what the hell hol­i­day is this? Colum­bus? Psssh, that ain’t no hol­i­day. Have a good week!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Amer­i­can Air­line pi­lot: Ok guys, we’re just wait­ing on some Unit­ed dude to clear our tail so we can push.

–La Guardia Air­port — about to take off

Over­heard by: So K

Pi­lot fly­ing in­to La­Guardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beau­ti­ful, fa­mous down­town sky­line of Man­hat­tan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sigh­ing] New Jer­sey.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: mj ki­ran