Archive for the ‘Flight Attendants’ Category

Your Wednes­day Has Turned on the “One-Lin­ers” Sign

Male flight at­ten­dant: Ladies and gen­tle­men, Jet­Blue wel­comes you to the city which all oth­er cities are re­flec­tions of… wel­come to New York.

–JFK

Over­heard by: SJK

Pi­lot over loud­speak­er: Al­right folks, get in­to your seats quick­ly. You don’t have to love the per­son next to you and this ain’t a fur­ni­ture store.

–JFK

Over­heard by: Al­lie

Wit­ty flight at­ten­dant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demon­strate how seat­belts work.

–JFK

Flam­ing flight at­ten­dant: In the event of a sud­den change in cab­in pres­sure, oxy­gen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should oc­cur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…

–JFK

Jet­Blue pi­lot: I hope you all en­joyed the flight. If you have any ques­tions, please e‑mail them to the Con­ti­nen­tal Air­lines e‑mail. Thank you for fly­ing Jet­Blue.

–JFK

Over­heard by: lone­ly pas­sen­ger

We Will Now Be­gin the Sing-Along Por­tion Of Our Flight

Flight at­ten­dant: Ladies and gen­tle­men, I’d like to wel­come you aboard Jet­Blue flight 1024 with non­stop ser­vice to Boston. Be­fore we de­part, I would like to take the time and make sure that every­one is on the right flight — we don’t want peo­ple find­ing out that they’re go­ing to the wrong city af­ter we shut the cab­in doors. Is every­one here go­ing to Boston? [Si­lence.] I said, is every­one here go­ing to Boston?
Pas­sen­gers: Yes!
Flight at­ten­dant: Thank you. You have to an­swer me, peo­ple!

–Jet­Blue flight, JFK

Fi­nal­ly, Some­one Un­der­stands That the Terms Are Mu­tu­al­ly Ex­clu­sive.

Dude: I don’t want cof­fee, I want Star­bucks!

–Bleeck­er & Thomp­son

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on

Head­line by: de­sire

Run­ners-Up:
· “And For The Last Time, I’m Not From The Bronx; I’m From Riverdale!” — Gut­ter­lush
· “Howard Shultz: Don’t Call It a Come­back, It That Easy, G!” — Drewp
· “I Can’t De­ci­pher That Small, Medi­um, Large Jar­gon They Use Every­where Else.” — Jessie Birks
· “Over­heard in Seat­tle: Shit, They Know” — dig­i­tal hash
· “The Top Con­erns Of the Na­tion: War, Peace, and Find­ing a Star­bucks” — ab­bitt the rab­bitt
· “Yeah, Well I Re­al­ly Don’t Think We Have Time For a Hand­job, Joe.” — Id­ioc­ra­cy

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day Mile-High­lin­ers

Pi­lot: Pas­sen­gers, please move your seat in­to the least com­fort­able po­si­tion. We are now ap­proach­ing La­Guardia in­ter­galac­tic air­port. I’m your pi­lot, T.J. Maxx.

–Jet­Blue Air­plane

Pi­lot over in­ter­com: We are about to de­part, so please turn off your iPhones, Side­kicks, Black­Ber­rys, Blue­ber­rys, Pinkber­rys, Straw­ber­rys and all oth­er mo­bile de­vices. Even you, girl in the blue scarf.

–La­Guardia Flight

Flight at­ten­dant: In the mean­time we ask that pas­sen­gers please con­tin­ue to use oxy­gen at their leisure.

–JFK

Bored-look­ing flight at­ten­dant, ex­plain­ing how to board the plane in or­der: The let­ter on your board­ing pass stands for the which group you may board with: a, b, or c. The num­ber un­der­neath stands for the amount of mon­ey you could save by switch­ing to GE­ICO.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Fre­quent Fly­er

Wednes­day Air­lin­ers

Stew­ardess: Wel­come to New York, and on be­half of Unit­ed Air­lines we’d like to thank you for choos­ing us. Once again, this re­al­ly is New York.

–La Guardia Air­port

Pi­lot: Ladies and gen­tle­man, we’re go­ing through some tur­bu­lence. Make sure you are seat­ed with your belts fas­tened. I will get back to you when we start our de­scent. (noise in the in­ter­com) This is not look­ing good.

–Near JFK Air­port

Over­heard by: We man­aged to land…

Stew­ardess on flight leav­ing for Chica­go: Now, I re­al­ize that most of you have the fol­low­ing safe­ty video mem­o­rized. How­ev­er, you nev­er know if the per­son sit­ting next to you is a first time fli­er, par­tic­u­lar­ly safe­ty-con­scious, or an FAA in­spec­tor.

–La Guardia In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port

Flight at­ten­dant, over PA: There will be no smok­ing aboard this flight. Alas­ka Air­lines is a com­plete­ly smoke-free airline…and, frankly, it’s just bad for your health.

–Flight to Newark Air­port

Over­heard by: wink

Flight at­ten­dant: Sor­ry, guys, but we’re still wait­ing on one more pas­sen­ger. (pause) How many of you think we should just leave him? (half the pas­sen­gers raise their hands) New York­ers, New York­ers…

–JFK to Ft. Laud­erdale Flight

…Though He May Be the One I Just Blew in the Bath­room.

Gay man, get­ting off plane, to gay flight at­ten­dant: Hey, it’s great to see you again!
Fe­male flight at­ten­dant: Have you been here re­cent­ly?
Gay flight at­ten­dant: Hell no, girl. I haven’t been here in for­ev­er. I don’t know who the fuck that man is.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Thug Air Flight At­ten­dants Will Cut a Bitch

Thugette flight at­ten­dant, yelling as plane is about to take off: Sir! Turn off yo lap­top!
Suit: (holds cord to show it’s not plugged in)
Thugette flight at­ten­dant: Uh-uh! I can see the re­flec­tion in yo glass­es.
Suit: (takes off head­phones)
Thugette flight at­ten­dant: I saaaaid I can see the re­flec­tion in yo glass­es, turn yo lap­top off, turn it off, turn it oooooooooooooff!
Suit: (shuts lap­top)

–Small Com­muter Plane Leav­ing JFK