Archive for the ‘Football’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

The Yan­kees Re­al­ly Need to Hire Some Vi­cious British Soc­cer Hooli­gans

Yan­kee fan, see­ing girl in Red Sox hat: Booo! Boooo!
Red Sox girl’s friend: Leave her alone! She’s hot! Leave her alone!
Yan­kee fan: Booo! Red Sox suck!
Red Sox girl’s friend: She’s got big boobs, leave her alone!
Yan­kee fan: I’ve seen boobs be­fore! Booo!
(lat­er)
Yan­kee fan: Red Sox suck! Booo!
Red Sox girl’s friend: Leave her alone, she’s hot!
Yan­kee fan: That’s your opin­ion! Booo!

–Yan­kee Sta­di­um

Don’t Hate the Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Hate the Game

(a pi­geon flies up to a ram­bling bike mes­sen­ger)
Bike mes­sen­ger: Hey, bird. Whad­da ya say? How you do­ing? You play base­ball? What po­si­tion? First base? Third? Catch­er?

–47th & Madi­son

Ditzy teen on cell: Why can’t they, like, have two foot­balls in­stead so both teams could score?

–Doc­tor’s Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Robert Gley­ber­man

Pro­fes­sor: Did I tell you guys I’m get­ting in­to pro­fes­sion­al wrestling?

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Did­n’t want the de­tails

Guy to an­oth­er, scream­ing at the top of his lungs: It’s fuck­ing field hock­ey! It’s a girl’s sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Scott Ju­rkows­ki

Train con­duc­tor, an­nounc­ing stop: Wil­lets point, Shea Stadium…home of that *oth­er* team.

–Wil­lets Point, Queens

Over­heard by: Ran­dom Asian Chick

Don’t Cry For Me, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor: Hey, no cry­ing on the train! No cry­ing on the train!

–1 train

Man: I make peo­ple cry, and you tick­le them.

–Wall St

Girl: You’re mak­ing me wan­na shed mad tears!

–Low­er East Side

Mom to young daugh­ter: I think Dad­dy cries be­cause he cares.

–JFK

Drunk guy: Jim? Jim! I don’t think we can be friends any­more… I cried af­ter the Su­per Bowl.

–Wa­ver­ly & Broad­way

Woman on cell: I call her at work some­times, and I’m like ‘Hi, Beth,’ but I can’t hear her be­cause she’s sob­bing.

–22nd & Park

Over­heard by: Champ

Tween: I made a babysit­ter cry once. She was so im­ma­ture.

–Brook­lyn-bound R train