Archive for the ‘For Sale’ Category

No­body Puts Wednes­day One-Lin­er in the Cor­ner!

Blonde white girl to an­oth­er: And I was all like, “I’m not throw­ing the ba­by over the fence!”

–Spring St

Over­heard by: Maria Em­ma

Girl to moth­er: Oh, look at dad­dy with the ba­by in one hand and the bot­tle of bour­bon in the oth­er. And in the morn­ing, too!

–Williams­burg

Con­dom ven­dor: Oba­ma and Mc­Cain elec­tion spe­cial con­doms! 3 for $10 and 1 for $5, all cheap­er than a ba­by!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Aalok

Mom with stroller to friend: She’s in­ca­pac­i­tat­ed al­ready, so she might as well have his ba­by.

–6th Ave & 4th St

Our New Pub­lic Ser­vice An­nounce­ment

Guy with lisp to friend: When I have out­breaks, they nev­er have it, so I asked the guy at the gas sta­tion and he just bought a pack for me.
(friend mum­bles some­thing)
Guy with lisp: I have to walk miles to the gas sta­tion to get my her­pes med­ica­tion. My mom does­n’t even know I have her­pes, or that I used to have syphilis! Imag­ine hav­ing poi­son ivy on your knee, and it bursts, and there’s pus. That’s what it’s like. Do you have her­pes?
Friend, stu­pid­ly: Ha-huh. I don’t know.
Guy with lisp: Did you fuck that chick Rachel?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp: Did you ride her rough?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp, shame­less­ly: You prob­a­bly have her­pes. I gave it to her about a month ago. We should talk more about who I’ve fucked and who I’ve giv­en her­pes to.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Fres­ca P.

Wednes­day One-Megapix­e­lin­ers

Pushy black woman to em­ploy­ee stand­ing next to por­trait stu­dio sam­ples: The next time I come in here, I want to see my daugh­ter’s pic­ture up here, be­cause she is beau­ti­ful.

–K‑Mart, 34th St

Over­heard by: EthanK

Guy: There were some pic­tures tak­en, in­volv­ing, like, my pe­nis and Cale­b’s pe­nis and five oth­er guys.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

Girl: Food is over­rat­ed, let’s just take a pic­ture and leave.

–100th St & Broad­way

Hip­ster punk girl on phone: Hel­lo? (pause) No, but I know a girl if you’re look­ing. She al­so puts jel­ly on her toes. (pause) Who? I once sold a se­mi-nude pho­to of my­self at an art show once. I think Bren­dan has a copy of it… no one would ever pay to see my feet. But again, I ask, who were you talk­ing to? (pause) Dave was un­der the im­pres­sion that I sold pic­tures of my ex­trem­i­ties for mon­ey? That’s awe­some! I’m go­ing to send him a pic­ture of my el­bow!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Ayen­bird

Guy: The more bod­ies, the more pic­tures. That’s what I al­ways say.

–14th St & 7th Ave

Like Spi­ders Do

Law school girl wannabe #1: Maybe I can sell my eggs for like $50,000.
Law school girl wannabe #2: But what hap­pens if your kid is out there dat­ing their broth­er or sis­ter?
Law school girl wannabe #1: That’s a good point… There’s a chance that would hap­pen.
Law school girl wannabe #2: That’s why you need to fol­low up on your eggs and find them in the re­al world, and check in on them.

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: Jack Handy

Worst. Slave Girl. Ever.

Girl #1, ap­ply­ing for pass­port at win­dow: Go get in line over there and get me some stamps.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: A book of stamps! Get me some stamps. And it had bet­ter not be over $20.
Girl #2: What if they have lot­sa kinds of stamps? Like, which one should I get?
(girl #1 stares blank)
Girl #2: I don’t buy stamps.
Girl #1: This is­n’t a li­brary! Get a freak­ing book of stamps!

–Post Of­fice, 42nd St

Wednes­day One-Lin­er­notes

Man hand­ing out his CD: Scuze me, you like au­then­tic Lati­no mu­sic? (woman flinch­es)
I ain’t gonna bite you. Nei­ther is the CD. Un­less you’re bit­ten with the sweet beat of sal­sa.

–2 Train

Old­er guy to younger date: So last night, right, I was a lit­tle drunk­er than I want­ed to be and I was lis­ten­ing to those Beethoven and Mozart sym­phonies to, you know, re­al­ly try to hear the dif­fer­ence be­tween them…

–Up­town A Train

Woman walk­ing out of a Chekhov play: Ugh! That was like tak­ing a Tchaikovsky and play­ing it as if it were a Beeeeeethoven.

–The­atre Dis­trict

Over­heard by: Greer Fe­ick

Hap­py old­er mu­si­cian: I’m play­ing at the memo­r­i­al con­cert for Ricky B*. John­ny T* was go­ing to do it, but he died. I’m the go-to re­place­ment when some­one sched­uled to play at a trib­ute con­cert dies.

–19th & 7th

Over­heard by: ty­cho anom­aly

Man on cell: Did you get the tick­ets? (pause) Eighty dol­lars to see a green bitch sing!?

–Chi­neese Restau­rant, Colum­bus Ave