Archive for the ‘Foreigners’ Category

His Next Move Was to Ask a Friendly Police Officer Where He Could Procure Some

Foreigner, showing bong: And here is what I bought today.
Ghetto kid: Yeah, whatcha gonna put in there? Tobacco?
Foreigner: Yes, I put the tobacco in here. The tobacco.
Ghetto kid: No, man. You gotta put some weed in there. You ever heard of weed?
Foreigner: Weed? No…weed? I don’t understand.
Ghetto kid: Get some weed. You put a little weed in there, smoke it up, and you’re set.
Foreigner: Yes, thank you. Weed.

–Brooklyn bound B train

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep.

–Elevator, 56th & 8th

Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama!

–Terminal 5

Dude: So you’re enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses?

–Cafe Esperanto

Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator!

–TriBeCa

Overheard by: lalala

Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox.

–51st & 3rd

Overheard by: IG

Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! …You know, the one with all the tigers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: BQM lady

Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world… They get hit by motor boats!

–Astor Place

If You Want a Taste Of the Rainbow, Go for It!

Teenage Spanish girls: Mister, mister! Where'd you get that belt?
Guy: (mumbles)
Girl #1: You know that's the gay belt, right? That belt is gay, yo.
Guy: (shakes head)
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the gay belt. You better take that shit off! Are you gay?
Guy: (shakes head)
Girl #1: Then take that shit off man! You can't have a gay belt. What store did you get it at? Didn't they tell you when you bought it? Mister, you better return that shit to the store!
Girl #3: Maybe he's bi. Hey mister, it's okay if you're bi. I mean, I like eating pussy.

–Uptown N Train

Overheard by: Jeff

No, Seriously– I’m Doing the Column Now.

Loud girl #1: So, are you going to tell Eric*?
Loud girl #2: It was a dance.
Loud girl #1: And a kiss.
Jamaican man, who has overheard: Oh. Oh, that’s cold. You ain’t gonna tell him?
Loud girl #2: I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me.
Jamaican man: This gon’ get ugly, you hear me?
Loud girl #2: Fine! I’ll tell him! Then you’ll see ugly.
Jamaican man: Jus’ call me Dear Abby.

–Elevator, Brooklyn

Not as Much as All Those Abortions

Old lady #1: Your grandson has not been with a girl in a while. He might be gay.
Old lady #2: Hey, he’s not gay, don’t be crazy. Your grandson needs to stop sleeping with every girl; he might get them pregnant.
Old lady #1: Hey, how much is this kielbasa?

Translated from the Russian.

–Grocery store, Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Steve

A Sociopolitical Justification for Post-Modern Man’s Thirst for Pee?

American grad student: Should I be in a fetish video?
French grad student: What would be the point?
American grad student: What do you mean? It’s a fetish video.
French grad student: But what would be the point? What’s the thesis?

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: The Evil Triangle