Archive for the ‘Foreplay’ Category

We Can Spot Fake Wednesday One-Liners a Mile Away

Exasperated woman on phone: It's a phone interview! What does it matter what type of boobs I have?

–Office Building, 32nd & 7th

Overheard by: erkala

Girl, after guy accidentally hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeezing them, not hitting them!

–Toys R' Us, Times Square

Overheard by: Lotte

Upper West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It completely ruins that skirt for me.

–Canal Street

Hobo: But I don't want to love my breasts!

–Ave B

Man on cell: So you're coming to New York? That's good. I called your mother, she said you're staying with some girl with big tits tonight.

–West 4th Street

Guy to another, while at lunch: I don't care if you think I live too fast and I'll be dead at 45. At least I'll die with a tittie in my mouth!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: sal b

Unless It’s an Apparition Doing the Molesting, Like That Hot Scene in Ghostbusters

Girl #1: I am so wasted. I got molested by some Mexican at this sleepover party thing.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Yeah, I woke up and everyone was fighting cause he touched my boobs. I think there’s some law saying that you can’t molest someone while they’re sleeping.
Girl #2: Actually, I think there’s a law saying you can’t molest someone, period.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: if walls had ears

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Count Anal

Girl on cell: I don't know what it is with me and virgins. I think I've collected like four virgin scalps.

–Q58 Bus

Overheard by: Tom

Cashier, screaming to friend cashier: But why do you have to tell everyone that he's the guy who popped my cherry?

–72nd & 1st

Overheard by: tomas

Ghetto girl: If you got finger-popped, you ain't no virgin.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Jake M

Teen boy on cell: Of course I don't have any kids! Girl, you know I'm pure–like water in Africa.

–Manhattan Ave & 123rd St.

Overheard by: CreativeBunny

Hispanic girl, loudly to a group of friends : I mean, I'm still a virgin and I have three STDs!

–Ave C

Kept Asking How Much of a Monthly Payment I Wanted

Girl #1: … And then he texted me, ‘I hope all is well.’
Girl #2: Oh, well that was nice.
Girl #1: Nice? ‘I hope all is well’?! Does he mean, ‘I hope all is well now that I’ve scraped your vagina out’?!
Girl #2: Well, I mean, he is a used car salesman…
Girl #1: Oh my god. You’re right. Oh my god, I got fingered by a used car salesman!

–12th & University Pl

There Are Niche Fetishists Who Would Pay Top Dollar for That Footage

Guy #1: I just don't like the look of the outie. And sometimes she rubs it against me, it creeps me out!
Guy #2: Dude, she's fuckin' hot! And you're complaining when she rubs against you?
Guy #1: No, no, no–she's not rubbing against me, she's rubbing the outie against me–big difference! And she's only doing it to creep me out, 'cause she thinks it's funny.

–6 Train

Whether You Find This Cute or Pathetic Says a Lot About You As a Person

Hair-twirling woman: I did actually put sex on the calendar, because it's only been four months. That's not long enough for us to stop having sex yet! And I put it on his iPhone, so it popped up a reminder in the middle of the day too, and was all, “don't forget, sex tonight!” He was like, “this is the worst idea ever.” And then we had dinner and the alarm went off and I was like, “we have to have sex now, the iPhone said so!” And we did… and afterwards he was like, “that was amazing, why don't we do that all the time?”

–W 4th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pelving Thrusting in Your Direction

Woman to friend: I woke up, and he was fucking my ear! Fucking my ear! Fuck. Ing. My. Ear!

–Walker & Canal

Overheard by: office peon

Girl on cell: So yeah, he just kinda turned to her, handed her some napkins and told her to prepare herself for a good fingering.

–New Jersey Transit

Girl in school hallway: Nasty little tenth graders having sex in the stairwells…

–Bard High School Early College

Guy to another: There's only three things people need in this world. Sex. Food. (pause) Yeah, okay, that's it.

–125th & Lexington

Student #1: (makes elaborate point with with ample hand gesticulation)
Student #2: Oh wow. You just made love to me with words.

–113th & Broadway

Crazy lady: Santa ain't comin' to Brooklyn! And I'll be drunk tomorrow, don't you ring my bell! (gets off train and leaves bag. 20-something guy gives it to her) Have we had sex before!? We should have sex! I like you! (doors start closing) We should really have sex!

–C Train

Wednesday One-Liners Spin Fat into Muscle

African man, yelling into cell: I am not riding a bike! I’m not a machine! I’m not a machine! I’m not a wheel!

–W 23rd St

Overheard by: I’m a train!

Loud chick on cell: So I told him he’s gotta do some exercises or something to keep up with me. I mean, he doesn’t do any foreplay or anything, just climbs his fat ass on top of me…

–37th & Broadway

Guy on phone at sandwich shop: How am I? Well, that’s a complicated quesion -do you mean right now, or in general? Because right now, Lisa’s got a really bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eulogy for a friend’s pop. So now I’m getting a coffee and then I plan on riding the bicycle at the gym -’cause that’s the closest I can get to heroin. How are you?

–85th & Columbus Ave

Lady, to marathon wheelchair participants: Don’t just sit there, go go go!

–99th & 5th, NYC Marathon

Grown woman, clapping and bouncing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!

–76th & York

Ten-year-old girl leaving the midnight showing of Harry Potter: Ugh. I am never working out again!

–68th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sarah Booz