Archive for the ‘Foreplay’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Spin Fat in­to Mus­cle

African man, yelling in­to cell: I am not rid­ing a bike! I’m not a ma­chine! I’m not a ma­chine! I’m not a wheel!

–W 23rd St

Over­heard by: I’m a train!

Loud chick on cell: So I told him he’s got­ta do some ex­er­cis­es or some­thing to keep up with me. I mean, he does­n’t do any fore­play or any­thing, just climbs his fat ass on top of me…

–37th & Broad­way

Guy on phone at sand­wich shop: How am I? Well, that’s a com­pli­cat­ed que­sion ‑do you mean right now, or in gen­er­al? Be­cause right now, Lisa’s got a re­al­ly bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eu­lo­gy for a friend’s pop. So now I’m get­ting a cof­fee and then I plan on rid­ing the bi­cy­cle at the gym -’cause that’s the clos­est I can get to hero­in. How are you?

–85th & Colum­bus Ave

La­dy, to marathon wheel­chair par­tic­i­pants: Don’t just sit there, go go go!

–99th & 5th, NYC Marathon

Grown woman, clap­ping and bounc­ing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!

–76th & York

Ten-year-old girl leav­ing the mid­night show­ing of Har­ry Pot­ter: Ugh. I am nev­er work­ing out again!

–68th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

I Just Flew in from Wednes­day, and Boy, Are My One-Lin­ers Tired!

Flight at­ten­dant: Once again, please re­main seat­ed un­til the cap­tain does turn off the ‘Fas­ten seat­belt’ sign… That in­cludes all pas­sen­gers in row nine… That in­cludes all pas­sen­gers wear­ing a blue po­lo… Yes, thank you, and have a great day.


Pi­lot: Wel­come to Jet­Blue flight 703 to San Juan… I’m from South Car­oli­na. We do some­thing spe­cial there — we let our kids dri­ve at the age of fif­teen. I’ve got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daugh­ter, so if you’re think­ing of dri­ving to Flori­da, do me a fa­vor and fly Jet­Blue — it’s safer than dri­ving through South Car­oli­na, and my car in­sur­ance for my daugh­ter last year was 15 hun­dred dol­lars, and now I have to add my son, so I re­al­ly need this job to af­ford it.


Over­heard by: alan b hutscar

Flight at­ten­dant: … And if you do re­quire any­thing dur­ing this flight, sim­ply press the but­ton lo­cat­ed above your head. Do not ap­proach the gal­ley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emo­tion­al­ly pre­pared to han­dle that to­day.


Over­heard by: Shef­fler

Flight at­ten­dant: … And be sure that you lock your tray ta­bles and place your seat backs in their least com­fort­able po­si­tion for take­off.


Over­heard by: Ardbeg78

Pi­lot: Well, folks, I’m sor­ry about the de­lay, but, uh, air­planes are com­pli­cat­ed ma­chines, you know? And some­times they break.

–Unit­ed flight, JFK

Over­heard by: clue­less about elec­tron­ics

Big, jol­ly black woman about to be frisked at se­cu­ri­ty: You have yo’­self a good time!


Over­heard by: Nan­cy L.

Tell Us All about It, Dear

Pro­fes­sor: So, what did you all think of the Bod­ies Ex­hib­it? Is there any part of the hu­man anato­my you think you’d change if you had the chance?
Hip­ster guy: I’d get rid of nip­ples on guys. They’re kind of point­less.
Pro­fes­sor: That’s true. Al­though some men have very sen­si­tive bo­soms and en­joy be­ing touched there. Have any of you ever been with a man who had a sen­si­tive bo­som? [One stu­dent awk­ward­ly rais­es her hand.]

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Over­heard by: traPt

Good Points Were Made on Both Sides

Crazy crack­head to him­self: Bitch! They stole my fuck­ing mon­ey! You know they did this one! You just fuck­ing fall asleep and they just jacked me. Fuck­ing cunts. [Un­dress­ing] I mean, fuck­ing se­ri­ous­ly! I just paid them and I just pass out and they just fuck­ing steal my mon­ey. Those fuck­ing ass­hole cunts. Where the fuck is my stash?!
Mc­Don­ald’s man­ag­er: Sir, please put your pants on. There are chil­dren around.

–Mc­Don­ald’s near Madi­son Square Gar­den

In­sa­tiable Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swal­lowed it.

–Sul­li­van & Bleeck­er

Teen girl at hu­man limbs ex­hib­it: Hm­mm, I’m hun­gry.

–Bod­ies Ex­hib­it, South St Sea­port

Frat boy on cell: I miss you, ba­by. I love ya. I want to taste your sali­va. Call me lat­er when you’re drunk.

–Uni­ver­si­ty Pl & 14th St

Over­heard by: Erin

Bim­bette light­ing a cig­a­rette: This prob­a­bly is­n’t what I should be hav­ing for break­fast.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Man on cell: Have you talked about coat­ing her in peanut but­ter and jel­ly and eat­ing her like a sand­wich? No? Okay.

–Star­bucks, Court St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Mmm­Sand­wich

Mom: Who’s the yum­mi­est ba­by in the world? Is it you? Are you su­per-duper yum­my?

–115th St & Broad­way

Get in Line, Bud­dy

Girl on cell: You don’t play with my tits enough! You just go right to it, and avoid the girls! I need some tit­ty ac­tion!
Suit on cell, lis­ten­ing: I got­ta go, I have to try to pick this girl up. I’ve nev­er had a bet­ter come-on line in my life!

–Du­ane Reade, Colum­bus Ave

Over­heard by: VERON­I­CA