Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Tend to Ram­ble On

Old man at the bar: Every­day that I wake up and see that my name is­n’t in the obit­u­ar­ies is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Old­er woman, to friend: Then we’re go­ing to have to do the sun­tan lo­tion thing, and that’s go­ing to be a night­mare.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old peo­ple on this train. I bet they’re all wish­ing they were our age again. Suck­ers!

–N Train

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Old la­dy, to man play­ing steel drums as she dances along to the mu­sic: Shalom! That was awe­some, my man!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Court­ney Mess­er

El­der­ly woman to el­der­ly friends: So then Andy comes down in his biki­ni, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old la­dy look­ing in­to fan­cy cafe: An­oth­er shit­hole!

–74th near Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Old la­dy: Geral­dine, do you want to come up lat­er and play… With my wire­less router!

–Clark & Herny

Over­heard by: Lacy

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are An­oth­er Year Old­er but None the Wis­er

20-some­thing: I did­n’t even re­al­ize it was my birth­day un­til I checked Face­book!

–Up­per West Side

Over­heard by: mtraine­ti­quette

Girl to friend: We should cel­e­brate tonight–it’s my half birth­day in 10 days.

–Croc­o­dile Lounge, E 14th St

Tourist: See no­body is wear­ing birth­day scars…

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy to girl: Wait, did you re­al­ly be­lieve I was go­ing to get you a Hel­lo Kit­ty vi­bra­tor for your birth­day?

–45th & 8th

Drunk girl to hobo: It’s my birth­day! You should be giv­ing *me* mon­ey!

–111 & Broad­way

And He Al­ways Ex­plodes Too Soon

Cute blonde: So, I thought I might like him, and we went on some fun dates, but then he shaved his head and now I can’t go out with him.
Friend: Wait — what’s wrong with him shav­ing his head?
Cute blonde: Well, noth­ing in the­o­ry, but now he looks like a ter­ror­ist.

–116th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: up­town girl

Head­line by: Sarah K

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Or Ghan­di, Whichev­er.” — John­ny
· “And He Wants Me to Call Him Brit­ney in Bed” — Sim Etrias
· “And the An­thrax in His Apart­ment Is No Pic­nic Ei­ther” — Naked Lunch
· “Oh, Whew… I Thought You Said, “tourist”” — Rhadaman­thus
· “Plus, I Would­n’t Qual­i­fy As One Of His 72 Vir­gins” — Mar­i­oRPG
· “Racial Pro­fil­ing Is So Hot Right Now” — Fran

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have Their Ups and “Downs”

Dog own­er to an­oth­er: Dogs are fun­ny. They’re like lit­tle re­tard­ed kids.

–Tomp­kins Square Park Dog Run

Guy on cell: She went from Deb­bie down­er to Deb­bie Down Syn­drome.

–62nd St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: Timo Lip­ping

Dad: I thought she would like Car­oli­na, so we took her to see four schools there. I asked her if she liked them and she said, “I liked the schools… But every­one there seemed slight­ly re­tard­ed.”

–W 54th St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: John­ny V.

South­ern woman who just ran NYC marathon to South­ern friend: Well, we can’t have a ba­by now be­cause it would be re­tard­ed… be­cause I’m 35, you know?

–Bec­co Restau­rant, The­ater Dis­trict

Over­heard by: mer­say­seh

So We Played Naked Cha­rades and I Guessed It Right Away

Girl to friend: So, I found out that Jon has her­pes and he nev­er told me.
(friend looks at her in shock)
Girl: Not that kind of her­pes, the oth­er kind. But I talked to him about it. It’s pret­ty fun­ny, ac­tu­al­ly. But he did­n’t tell me. Well…we don’t re­al­ly talk about stuff like that.

–110th St & Broad­way

Head­line by: ik­ki nik­ki

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Un­til I Googled Val­trex, That Is” — keeps on giv­ing
· “Gen­i­tal Sores Tend to Speak for Them­selves” — DCGeek
· “So Long As He Keeps It in His Ass, It Does­n’t Af­fect Our Re­la­tion­ship” — Ben­Gay
· “The Line for Guest Ap­pearences on Mau­ry Starts Here…” — John
· “We Don’t Want Things to Get Too Sim­plex” — er­ak
· “Which Is Why He Does­n’t Know About My Three Abor­tions” — Jesse
· “You Mean the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Kind Of Her­pes?” — leoladie23

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

… With a Cam­corder

Dis­traught woman: So, you know, I got a flat tire… Not on the Hon­da, you know, the Vol­vo.
Friend: Right.
Dis­traught woman: Well, this guy comes over to help me, but it turns out he on­ly stopped be­cause he was a foot fetishist…

–1 train

Over­heard by: prob­a­bly why she was on the sub­way