Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Lot Better Now

Guy to friends: A girl farted on my head once, and I dated her for three years.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: MC

Woman to friend: And then he farted in my mouth.

–Ding Dong Lounge

Overheard by: Rosalind

Hobo, farting loudly, turning at girl walking behind him: That's for you, you fucking bitch!

–Yellow Line Subway Station

Overheard by: Craigalanche

Latina on cell, firmly: I'm not bi-curious, I'm just fart-curious

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: olga

Crazy hobo: Once, I was eating Cracker Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I finished the box, I farted in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week later, I got the surprise of my life!

–1 Train

Overheard by: nella

Not Sure You Avoid That with the “I Heart NY” Shirt, Though

Chick: Would it have been okay if I’d worn my shirt with a zebra on it today, or would that be like wearing a band shirt to a concert?
Dude: Yeah, that’s exactly how it would be. Like, it’s okay if you wear the opening band’s shirt, but not the headliner. If you wore your zebra shirt, we would’ve had to skip the zebras.
Chick: You’re right, I would have looked sooo groupie.

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Sromeo

We Can Spot Fake Wednesday One-Liners a Mile Away

Exasperated woman on phone: It's a phone interview! What does it matter what type of boobs I have?

–Office Building, 32nd & 7th

Overheard by: erkala

Girl, after guy accidentally hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeezing them, not hitting them!

–Toys R' Us, Times Square

Overheard by: Lotte

Upper West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It completely ruins that skirt for me.

–Canal Street

Hobo: But I don't want to love my breasts!

–Ave B

Man on cell: So you're coming to New York? That's good. I called your mother, she said you're staying with some girl with big tits tonight.

–West 4th Street

Guy to another, while at lunch: I don't care if you think I live too fast and I'll be dead at 45. At least I'll die with a tittie in my mouth!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: sal b

Oh, and Speaking of Assholes …

Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still working on the divorce?
Guy #2: That’s pretty much finalized, actually. It’s this girl I started seeing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you’re dating that hot Russian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svetlana*. She’s a total nympho — I haven’t slept in days. She won’t leave my crotch alone. Plus, whenever we’re going at it she keeps calling me ‘Master.’ It’s fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sympathy, asshole.

–D train