Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

You’ve Been Wait­ing for an Ex­cuse to Use That One, Haven’t You?

NYU girl: I’m not sur­prised that she has mono. I mean, she’s been a slut for a while now. It was bound to catch up with her.
Friend: Yeah, she’s a re­verse juke­box.
NYU girl: A what?
Friend: You know how you put mon­ey in­to a juke­box and it makes noise? Guys put their dicks in her to make her shut the fuck up.

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

…Away from Wit­ness­es

Mom on stoop: Don’t you skate too far from the house!
Four-year-old boy on skate­board: Moooooooom! Go in­si­i­i­i­ide the hoooooouse! I don’t need you!
Mom neigh­bor: Did he just tell me to go in­side the house? Boy, you just wait till *you* come in­side the house!

–Mon­roe & Franklin, Bed-Stuy

Over­heard by: Tiger­tail

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Thir­teen-Year-Old in Every­one

Girl to friend: When­ev­er I get a re­al­ly big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apart­ment Build­ing, Mid­town

Girl: And the doc­tor asked if she’d gone down on any­one late­ly, and she said “yeah, and when I was do­ing it, all these lit­tle bumps kept falling off in my mouth,” and the doc­tor said “you have gen­i­tal warts in your throat.”

–L Train

Over­heard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all in­to his friend’s mouth. We were dry heav­ing. But every­one just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Over­heard by: An­gela

Pre­teen boy on cell: (belch­es) Huh? (belch­es again, loud­ly) What did you say? I can’t hear you, I’m burp­ing.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, “don’t send her choco­late, it makes mu­cus.”

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Fred Daubert

Meds­day One-Lin­ers

Ra­di­ol­o­gy nurse: I have been asked out be­fore. But nev­er while giv­ing a bar­i­um en­e­ma!

–Ra­di­ol­o­gy Med­ical Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pa­per

Doc­tor on cell: I have to get ori­ent­ed as to the lo­ca­tion of those ca­dav­ers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabri­ni Med­ical Cen­ter

Old­er doc­tor to younger doc­tor in a group: You ac­tu­al­ly tried to get a der­ma­tol­ogy con­sul­tant to come in the mid­dle of the night? That was pret­ty dumb. You know those guys would­n’t get out of their Shea but­ter body wraps un­less the world was end­ing.

–Kings Coun­ty Emer­gency Room

Suit to la­dy friend: If you re­al­ly want­ed to smoke crack you’d go to the hos­pi­tal!

–Nas­sau St & Ann St

Over­weight girl to fe­male friend: Wan­na play gy­ne­col­o­gist?

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

My Oth­er Op­tion Is to Be Baked In­to the Wed­ding Cake

White guy talk­ing about his ex-girl­friend: Then she was like “Oh, I’m get­ting mar­ried. I want you to be part of my wed­ding.” She was like “You can be my brides-man.“
Even whiter friend: What? Like a groom?
White guy: No! A brides-man.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: play­toe