Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Feel a Lot Bet­ter Now

Guy to friends: A girl fart­ed on my head once, and I dat­ed her for three years.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: MC

Woman to friend: And then he fart­ed in my mouth.

–Ding Dong Lounge

Over­heard by: Ros­alind

Hobo, fart­ing loud­ly, turn­ing at girl walk­ing be­hind him: That’s for you, you fuck­ing bitch!

–Yel­low Line Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Craigalanche

Lati­na on cell, firm­ly: I’m not bi-cu­ri­ous, I’m just fart-cu­ri­ous

–49th & 5th

Over­heard by: ol­ga

Crazy hobo: Once, I was eat­ing Crack­er Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I fin­ished the box, I fart­ed in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week lat­er, I got the sur­prise of my life!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: nel­la

Not Sure You Avoid That with the “I Heart NY” Shirt, Though

Chick: Would it have been okay if I’d worn my shirt with a ze­bra on it to­day, or would that be like wear­ing a band shirt to a con­cert?
Dude: Yeah, that’s ex­act­ly how it would be. Like, it’s okay if you wear the open­ing band’s shirt, but not the head­lin­er. If you wore your ze­bra shirt, we would’ve had to skip the ze­bras.
Chick: You’re right, I would have looked sooo groupie.

–Bronx Zoo

Over­heard by: Sromeo

We Can Spot Fake Wednes­day One-Lin­ers a Mile Away

Ex­as­per­at­ed woman on phone: It’s a phone in­ter­view! What does it mat­ter what type of boobs I have?

–Of­fice Build­ing, 32nd & 7th

Over­heard by: erkala

Girl, af­ter guy ac­ci­den­tal­ly hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeez­ing them, not hit­ting them!

–Toys R’ Us, Times Square

Over­heard by: Lotte

Up­per West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It com­plete­ly ru­ins that skirt for me.

–Canal Street

Hobo: But I don’t want to love my breasts!

–Ave B

Man on cell: So you’re com­ing to New York? That’s good. I called your moth­er, she said you’re stay­ing with some girl with big tits tonight.

–West 4th Street

Guy to an­oth­er, while at lunch: I don’t care if you think I live too fast and I’ll be dead at 45. At least I’ll die with a tit­tie in my mouth!

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: sal b

Oh, and Speak­ing of Ass­holes …

Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look ex­haust­ed.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still work­ing on the di­vorce?
Guy #2: That’s pret­ty much fi­nal­ized, ac­tu­al­ly. It’s this girl I start­ed see­ing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you’re dat­ing that hot Russ­ian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svet­lana*. She’s a to­tal nympho — I haven’t slept in days. She won’t leave my crotch alone. Plus, when­ev­er we’re go­ing at it she keeps call­ing me ‘Mas­ter.’ It’s fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sym­pa­thy, ass­hole.

–D train