Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

Soylent Green Is Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl on cell: So I told her I didn’t think George Washington was a cannibal.

–Barnes & Noble, Staten Island

Overheard by: Marina Tricorico

Asian girl to friend: You know, if he really likes you, he’d eat you.

–Coles Sports Center

Overheard by: Alice Huang

Hysterical woman screaming at cops: She bit me! I did not touch her!

–84th & Broadway

Overheard by: rachel

Dude: Remember that crazy condo lady? She totally ate my ass on the first date.

–Chelsea

20-something guy on cell: have you ever tasted pee before?! Word?!

–Spring & W Broadway

Three-year-old girl: Daddy, I’m eating your eyeballs!

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
Headline by: DomCar 

Runners-Up:
· “And somewhere, at that moment, a tiny discrimination lawsuit was being filed” — Marc
· “Awwww! Thanks! You said slightly!” — Emily
· “Being sexy isn’t necessary when your face if even with most people’s crotches” — theVixenNicole
· “Both problems are an unfortunate result of genetics.” — Aaron Stephenson
· “But, like, sexily so?” — Tom Dorey
· “By the end of the yellow brick road, the Tin Man was hungry, tired, and BIT-CHY!” — Alissa
· “Comebacks for when you are secretly in love with a midget.” — John
· “Happily, I Have a Fetish for Both” — anthony fiore
· “It’s Sexy Because It’s Like Having Sex With Kids, But They’re Legal!” — Bored Beyond Belief
· “She’s obviously never seen Wizard of Oz, that is ALL sex appeal” — Kevo
· “Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you” — tiddlywinks
· “The Sexy Midget Union, recognizing retardation as a handicap, will not sue.” — Extra Character
· “The ‘My secret is: I’m marrying a dwarf’ deodorant ad — first take” — Amanda
· “There Are Sexy Midgets, You Probably Just Overlooked Them!” — Hobo Whisperer
· “They Prefer the Term “Erotically Challenged Little People”” — Shepcat
· “Yellow fever: Love of Asians. Smallpox: Love of midgets. Down Syndrome: That girl.” — erak
· “Yes, but I look good in a teddy AND can reach the top shelf” — Villelen
· “You Don’t Need to Be So Short With Me” — Matthew K Johnson

Honorable mentions:
· “But can slightly retarded be sexy?” — Virginia Wood
· “If she were fully retarded, she’d be banging all the unsexy midgets.” — AJ
· “So all those internet porn sites are wrong?” — Graz
· “The Sexy Ones Wouldn’t Want to Sleep with you Anyway” — Ian
· “The new MMILF: Mental Midgets I’d Like to F***” — Peter Parker

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Wanna Fuck You Like an Wednesday One-Liner

Ghetto chick to friend: Remember when you took that chinchilla from me, back in the day?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Chloe

Grungy dude on cell: So I jumped on my horse and got the fuck outta there.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: bildita

Guy: …and those Egyptians had crocodiles. Those crocodiles that shoot lasers out of their eyes.

–Metropolitian Musuem of Art

Overheard by: Bonkers in Yonkers

Hipster chick: Deer antlers. Everywhere I go, all I see are deer antlers. I’m getting sick of it.

–14th St & 1st Av

Overheard by: Larry

Thug: I’m like super pimp. I pimp men and women… And cats and dogs. Shit, I got the whole animal kingdom.

–10th & Broadway

Composed chick on cell: He’s a giraffe, and I’m a leopard, and I’m never gonna be a giraffe. I’ve tried and tried, but my destiny is as a leopard, you see? I can fake being a giraffe for awhile, but eventually I’m gonna have to rip his throat out and feed on his entrails. It’s in my nature. The only alternative is divorce.

–Billiard Hall, Elizabeth & Bowery

The Technicolor Yawn Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.

–LIRR

Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it’s hot. C) someone threw up.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Laura

Gay NYU student: I’ve already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.

–LIRR, Drunk Train

Overheard by: Jason

Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto’s, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)

–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)

–MacDougal St, The Village

Overheard by: Reid Rogers