Archive for the ‘Fruit’ Category

Wednes­days Are Nat­u­ral­ly Sweet­ened With One-Lin­ers

Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a ques­tion.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Poo­gins

Fa­ther to tod­dler: No, you can’t have a dough­nut. You just had a dough­nut yes­ter­day. You can have an­oth­er when you’re…25!

–Dough­nut Plant, Grand & Nor­folk

Large old­er woman: I like cher­ry, lemon, peach, ap­ple, and pump­kin. Oth­er than that, I’m not a big pie per­son.

–Cen­tral Park Bench

Over­heard by: Struedel Snatch­er

Big black guy: And she kept try­ing to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, “bitch, I ain’t got no room for no pie!”

–Penn Sta­tion

Young la­dy to friend, grave­ly: I un­der­stand, but things have changed. That was be­fore the choco­late bo­nan­za.

–72nd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: T. Ryan

Let’s Hop on a Bus, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Man on cell: Yo Ham­ster! Oh, hey Toma­to, whats goin’ on?

–Bx12 bus

Over­heard by: Court­ney C

Girl on cell: I swear it had to be 8 or 9 inch­es long…yeah I know, I was shocked. It was the biggest damned cock­roach I have ever seen…yes, a roach, what did you think I was talk­ing about?

–Bx9 bus

Over­heard by: ogie

Bus dri­ver: Next stop 3rd Av­enue. We’ll be ar­riv­ing in a week to 10 days…Anyone want to get off here? That’ll be $50. Send me a check.

–M14D bus

Over­heard by: Sher­ri

36 Cham­bers of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Home­girl on cell: You live in Stat­en Is­land, that’s too close to the wilder­ness, near the bor­der. I am not emo­tion­al­ly ready to meet you in Stat­en Is­land.

–LIRR

Suit: He’s from Stat­en Is­land. That my Grace­land.

–53rd & 6th

Over­heard by: The Sock

Asian chick: What is that fruit called? Duri­an? That thing stinks so bad! It stinks like Stat­en Is­land bad!

–G Train

Over­heard by: pa­co

Girl #1: In how many stops do we get off?
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the next stop is South Fer­ry. From there, you can go to the won­der­ful Bat­tery Park, go see the beau­ti­ful Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty… Or go to Stat­en Is­land.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Smar­low

That’s the Third Time This Week

Bim­bette art stu­dent #1, point­ing at fresh grapes: I don’t get why they call ‘olive-skinned’ peo­ple ‘olive-skinned’. No one’s skin is that col­or!
Bim­bette art stu­dent #2, af­ter clos­er in­spec­tion of fresh grapes: Yeah, but those olives look messed up, I think they’re fake. Re­al olives are, like, dark­er or some­thing.
Bim­bette art stu­dent #1: Yeah, those olives are too light, that’s it. No one’s skin is that col­or of… of light green.
Cashier: Uhm, are you ladies in line? Can I get you some… Grapes?
Bim­bette art stu­dent #3: Yeah, those olives are to­tal­ly fake, that must be it.
[Group leaves deli.]Cashier: Did that re­al­ly just hap­pen?

–27th & 5th

It’s the Great Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Char­lie Brown

Sub­way girl in Hal­loween cos­tume: I was think­ing about go­ing as Rosie the Riv­et­er, but, like, girly Rosie the Riv­et­er. In shorts.

–A Train

Try­ing-to-be-hip mom: What are vam­pires wear­ing this sea­son?

–Hal­loween Ad­ven­ture

Group of kids in cos­tume, chant­i­ng: We want more can­dy! We want more can­dy! No more ap­ples! No more ap­ples!

–35th Ave & 29th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: kath­com

Man dressed up as Michael Jack­son on Hal­loween: I’m the King of pop, man! I’ll touch your chil­dren! I’ll hang your ba­by off a bal­cony!

–Down­town 6 Train

Late-night Hal­loween-rev­el­er man with dirty cot­ton beard: I’m San­ta. I’m drunk and I’m an­gry. Fuck balls. Rein­deer balls.

–Down­town 6 train

Guy dressed as Bil­ly Mays, in loud in­fomer­cial voice: Bil­ly Mays here! Sick and tired of wait­ing for NJ Tran­sit? Next time, dri­ve! For the low, low price of $20 per toll! Just $4.69 per gal­lon!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: J. Ra

Old man to an­oth­er, about Hal­loween: I love young girls who dress up like pussies.

–So­ho

Over­heard by: Edan