Guy: Awww, man, did you hear? Billy’s in the hospital!
Girl: Oh no! What happened?
Guy: He only ate bananas and pop for like two weeks straight.
Girl: Shit, that sucks. Poor Billy!
–Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Archive for the ‘Fruit’ Category
Further Knowledge Is Now Unwelcome
Girl #1: Did you know that if you lick the wrapper of Big Red it’ll stick to your forehead?
Girl #2: I learned about pineapple yesterday.
–Theater
Wednesday One-Liners Prevent Scurvy
16-year-old girl to girlfriend, with contempt: Are you eating a banana? You’re just like my mother!
–AIDS walk, Central Park
Man to female coworker: No, my head really looks more like a grapefruit than a peanut.
–1250 Broadway
From the flight deck before takeoff: I’m only gonna say this once: You have to turn off your laptop, iPod, Game Boy, CD player, BlackBerry, blueberry, strawberry, cherry, and Halle Berry — yes, you have to turn her off, too! You have to turn off anything that isn’t keeping you alive.
–JetBlue flight, JFK
Overheard by: B.G.
Teen boy to friend: Did you know that in California it’s illegal to peel an orange in a hotel room?
–34th & 6th
Hipster girl: I have an apple and some Prozac.
–19th & 6th
Hot chick: My boyfriend actually just said to me, ‘I think you should learn how to shoot grapes out of your pussy!’ Then he made space-gun noises.
–Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Argopelter
No Difference to a Lonely Hawaiian
Girl #1: I find it tart, too. Also kind of musky and a little sweet.
Girl #2: Mmm. Wait! Are you talking about pineapple or pussy?
–Washington Heights
Headline by: Jay B
Runners-Up:
· “A little bit of everything goes into an Orange Julius” — Mike
· “A normal conversation between two airport drug smugglers” — Scott
· “And Why is This Tasting Room So Crowded?” — Greg Costello
· “Can it be both?” — saltwater
· “Pussy! But not yours. Yours is nasty.” — Andy Adelewitz
· “Pussy.” — Ray
· “That’s why the Hawaiian word for pineapple is “poon”” — marcusj
· “The One with the Hole in the Middle” — DanC
See, We’re Not So Unlike the Midwest in NY!
Woman: That’s where I got that crappy muffin. I can’t believe they serve muffins with no sugar. The only source of sucrose was in the blueberry. And there was only one blueberry!
–21st & 5th
Overheard by: TG
I’ve Seen You Handle a Banana
Teenage girl #1: What are you doing this summer? Want to have an adventure?
Teenage girl #2: Such as?
Teenage girl #1: Teaching monkeys in Africa how to eat bananas.
Teenage girl #2: I think you can handle that one yourself.
Teenage girl #1: Why are you so mean?
–Central Park
Will Mary Kate Olsen Never Graduate?
Teacher: There is a kind of poison acid found in apple seeds.
Blonde: Is that how Johnny Appleseed died?
–NYU
Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Hot?
20-something guy dressed as Edward Cullen for Halloween: So anyway, I walk in, and they are both sitting there, playing with each other’s erections…
–Bedford Ave & Berry St
Overheard by: Marie Miller Barnes
Ginger kid in audience, as photo of awkward Asian teen sticking banana in his mouth is projected on movie screen: I am definitely aroused.
–Tisch School of the Arts
Joggers to another: Raging hard-ons!
–Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katie
20-something girl to another: How could he not go out with you? I mean, you gave him a boner at Relay For Life!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Becca
Or a Muzzle.
Daughter: Daddy, I want a cookie!
Father: I’ll say yes if you ask for an apple instead. (pause) Or a Brussels sprout.
Daughter: Ahhhhh!
–115th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Special K
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bit Fruity
Young barista to another, peeling a banana: You like your women like you like your bananas.
–Bedford Ave
Man outside fry place: They don’t sell watermelon here. I read the menu three times, and no watermelon.
–Pomme Frites, 2nd Ave
Dude on cell: Banana. Banana banana banana banana. Banana.
–Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
30-something suit to another: If I’m hungry I’ll eat a banana, but I can’t eat more than one. Because bananas, like, annoy me.
–Metro-North Harlem Line
Employee: All natural mango juice, on sale for 66… no, 69 cents off the regular price.
(customer walks away, uninterested) Where do you think you’re going?
–Whole Foods
Overheard by: Sac
