Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Gay Man's Best Friend’ Category

Wednes­day, with a One-Lin­er Chas­er

Fe­male day-drink­ing tourist: Oh shit, I left my vod­ka in the church!

–Out­side Trin­i­ty Church

Man on cell: If it’s pos­si­ble to fer­ment it, we have fer­ment­ed it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Mid­dle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the oth­er. I’m like that. My blad­der has room for the equiv­a­lent of one good cock­tail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Over­heard by: Ah.…middle age

Com­muter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Old drunk walk­ing in­to a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my pre­scrip­tion?

–Broad­way & 106th St

Over­heard by: rick­bruner

Are You Fuck­ing With Me, Ma’am?

An­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl: If you get the ap­ple pome­gran­ate body but­ter…
Weary brunette: I on­ly see the dis­play.
An­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl: We have more in the back. Okay, well, if you get two or more prod­ucts from the bath line, like this and our show­er gel, you get a free bath­tub!
Weary brunette: Huh?
(an­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl points to a lit­tle plas­tic bath­tub)
Weary brunette: That’s… tiny. Like, I love the scent but I’m afraid I don’t have any kit­tens or fe­tus­es to bathe in that tiny tiny tub.

–Sepho­ra, Times Square

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Sylvia Had­n’t Re­al­ized They Were off Stat­en Is­land.

Suit, tap­ping singing girl on the shoul­der: You sing won­der­ful­ly.
Girl: Thank you very much.
Suit: Yeah, by “won­der­ful­ly” I mean it sounds like a cat get­ting ass raped by a don­key. So I am sure that every­one else would ap­pre­ci­ate you not do­ing that any­more as it is on­ly 6 am.
(pas­sen­gers clap)

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry Ter­mi­nal

News­Flash: Hip­ster Is Copy­cat. Film at 11

Art­sy girl: I cant be­lieve you took my idea!
Beard­ed hip­ster boy: My cat died and so I can use it my way.
Art­sy girl: But now every­one thinks it was your idea to skin the cat! And it was mine! Next thing you know, you’ll be pluck­ing the feath­ers out of birds and dip­ping them in blood!
Beard­ed hip­ster boy: Good idea, I think I will.
Art­sy girl: Cunt!

–Out­side Coop­er Union School

Over­heard by: jem­ma low­er

Who Let the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Out?

Queer, to his Ger­man Shep­herd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!

–23rd & 8th

Man, re­strain­ing his dog from fol­low­ing an­oth­er dog across the street: C’­mon, bud­dy. It was­n’t meant to be.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Woman drag­ging her dog away from an­oth­er dog who is bark­ing fran­ti­cal­ly: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so up­set.

–Dit­mars Blvd, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: sara n.

Cop to his whin­ing Ger­man Shep­herd: Awww, what’s wrong ba­by? Did you see an ass­hole?

–West 4th Sta­tion

The End Of West­ern Civ­i­liza­tion: An OINY Short Sto­ry.

Lawyer #1: I saw this fun­ny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “re­tards” and there was this one called “re­tard­ed Brit­ney Spears fan.” It was a re­tard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two sec­onds of it be­fore I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “ex­treme pain”? I could on­ly watch about five sec­onds of it. A guy was cut­ting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That’s some sick shit. How’s your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her be­tween the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eat­ing pussy.” You’ll get a mil­lion hits!

–Civ­il Court, 141 Liv­ingston St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Wednes­day One-Lit­ters

Lit­tle girl to moth­er: I don’t wan­na be a lawyer any­more, when I grow up I wan­na be a cat!

–Chelsea

Woman to friend: I mean, he’s just so an­ti-so­cial! He has like 19 cats!

–Lafayette & Prince

Girl to friend: My cat is a flam­ing ho­mo­sex­u­al.

–34th & 5th

Girl: And so she says, “let’s fol­low the cat!” So we do, and the cat leads us to a pile of hero­in!

–Cafe­te­ria, Barnard Col­lege