Archive for the ‘Gay Man's Best Friend’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy

Hipster chick with “valley girl” accent: Ya, like, ohmigod, ewwwwww… So I was reading Cosmo, and like, there was this story, about like, guys’ confessions, you know? And like, this random guy actually said, like, “Sometimes, I rub my dick on my cat’s fur, and it feels good.”

–Washington Square Park

10-year-old girl to another: I bet his idea of a hot girl is the crazy cat lady across the street.

–34th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Samantha

Woman to another: I have a friend in Belgium now – we both have cats!

–One World Financial Center

Overheard by: macgeekgrl

Brunette on phone: Do you want to play with your cat or do you want to play with me?

–60th St b/w Park & Madison

Overheard by: Adam B.

20-something on cell: And when I woke up, I had no idea where I was. Then I realized I was spooning his cat.

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: J Cox

Wednesday, with a One-Liner Chaser

Female day-drinking tourist: Oh shit, I left my vodka in the church!

–Outside Trinity Church

Man on cell: If it’s possible to ferment it, we have fermented it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Middle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs – they eat and then they go? In one end and out the other. I’m like that. My bladder has room for the equivalent of one good cocktail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Overheard by: Ah.…middle age

Commuter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: baconista

Old drunk walking into a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my prescription?

–Broadway & 106th St

Overheard by: rickbruner

Are You Fucking With Me, Ma’am?

Animated blonde salesgirl: If you get the apple pomegranate body butter…
Weary brunette: I only see the display.
Animated blonde salesgirl: We have more in the back. Okay, well, if you get two or more products from the bath line, like this and our shower gel, you get a free bathtub!
Weary brunette: Huh?
(animated blonde salesgirl points to a little plastic bathtub)
Weary brunette: That’s… tiny. Like, I love the scent but I’m afraid I don’t have any kittens or fetuses to bathe in that tiny tiny tub.

–Sephora, Times Square

The United One-Liners Of Wednesday

Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madison

Overheard by: catching a train

Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don’t, Russia’s going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Uptown R Train

Overheard by: Anna P.

20-something woman: I think he’s just going to club me…and drag me back to Alaska.

–Bleecker & 11th

Overheard by: Imma club you

Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he’s walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Sylvia Hadn’t Realized They Were off Staten Island.

Suit, tapping singing girl on the shoulder: You sing wonderfully.
Girl: Thank you very much.
Suit: Yeah, by “wonderfully” I mean it sounds like a cat getting ass raped by a donkey. So I am sure that everyone else would appreciate you not doing that anymore as it is only 6 am.
(passengers clap)

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

NewsFlash: Hipster Is Copycat. Film at 11

Artsy girl: I cant believe you took my idea!
Bearded hipster boy: My cat died and so I can use it my way.
Artsy girl: But now everyone thinks it was your idea to skin the cat! And it was mine! Next thing you know, you’ll be plucking the feathers out of birds and dipping them in blood!
Bearded hipster boy: Good idea, I think I will.
Artsy girl: Cunt!

–Outside Cooper Union School

Overheard by: jemma lower

Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?

Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!

–23rd & 8th

Man, restraining his dog from following another dog across the street: C’mon, buddy. It wasn’t meant to be.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so upset.

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: sara n.

Cop to his whining German Shepherd: Awww, what’s wrong baby? Did you see an asshole?

–West 4th Station