Archive for the ‘Getting Jolie'd’ Category

Wednes­day One-lin­ers, Amer­i­can Idols

Tourist: Oh my god! That’s Mag­gie Gyl­len­haal. She’s like, ac­tu­al­ly walk­ing down the street!

–Mag­no­lia Bak­ery

Over­heard by: Jes­si­ca Black­s­hear

JAP: Do not men­tion that freak­ing African queen and her re­cy­cled hus­band!

–The Prime Grill, 49th Street

Twen­tysome­thing woman on cell: I’m gonna be late be­cause I had to walk Drew Bar­ry­more’s dog.

–in front of Amer­i­can Ap­par­el, 7th Ave

Less Than Truth­ful Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we apol­o­gize for the de­lay. I promise it will nev­er. hap­pen. again.

–up­town C train

Man scream­ing on cell : Nah, I did­n’t lie to you about nuthin’. [Pause] Even if I did lie, I sho’ would­n’t tell you about it!

–43rd & 6th

Over­heard by: C Mike

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: The For­got­ten Bor­ough

Girl on cell: He’s think­ing of mov­ing to Queens, and re­al­ly I don’t think we’re go­ing to be able to last through that.

–1 New York Plaza

Pret­ty 20-some­thing on phone: So, I mean, I to­tal­ly have a new­found ap­pre­ci­a­tion for homi­ci­dal rages. Who the hell would ditch me for some ug­ly fag from Queens? Se­ri­ous­ly, I should kill him. Or, just leave him in Queens…forever. Would that be a war crime?

–Wall Street

Over­heard by: …I al­most asked

30-some­thing suit to an­oth­er: I’ll tell you though, it’s not easy get­ting laid in Queens.

–Court St. & Mon­tague

Over­heard by: Kaiti

En­thu­si­as­tic, ar­tic­u­late con­duc­tor: As you can see, we’re at the 21st Street stop! This is the first stop in Queens, soooo wel­come to Queens! The next and fi­nal stop on this train is Cour­t­house Square. Now that we all know, let’s be on our way!

–G Train

Over­heard by: I wish this guy nar­rat­ed all of my sub­way trips

Girl’s in Queens for the first time: you can or­der milk­shakes and cig­a­rettes from the din­er any time of night? This place is a fuck­ing won­der­land!

–Queens

There’s an SAT Ques­tion Here Some­where

Dude: Wait, who’s Pe­te?
Chick: Pe­te’s the guy who’s sleep­ing with John’s girl­friend.
Dude: Oh, right.

–Of­fice, 48th & 6th

Over­heard by: this guy

Guy #1: You mean the room­mate who sleeps naked on the top bunk?
Guy #2: No, that’s Bob­by. I’m talk­ing about Steve. He’s the one who farts all the time.
Guy #1: My bad.

–81st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Dr. X