Archive for the ‘Getting Off’ Category

Actually, I Only Have about Three Non-Beast Shots in Me

College guy #1: You know, the first five or six times a day it’s easy to just rub one out, but at, like, seven or eight you gotta start getting inventive.
College guy #2: Ha, ha — yeah, man.
College girl: …What?
College guy #1: I mean, that’s when you gotta pull out the beastiality and shit to get it done.
College guy #2: Ha, ha — yeah, man.
College girl: Oh my god, I’m going to need therapy. Can you stop speaking?

–Broadway near NYU

Overheard by: worried that they are our future

Finally, A Quote With A Happy Ending!

Hobo: I need you to stop here. I need to get off and wash my pants. There has been a sexual release in my pants!

–Lenox Ave bus

Headline by: Dan

Runners-Up:

· “And That’s Why I Was Late” – chronically tardy

· “Bussed a Nut – Crosstown Excitement Goes A Block Too Far” – Matt G.

· “Dishonorable Discharge” – Jim C.

· “Economically and socially disenfranchized people say the darndest things” – Emma

· “MTA’s new “Request-a-Stop” and handjob feature” – Jobee

· “Marvin Gaye’s retarded half-brother” – Mary Beth Hanlon

· “Meanwhile, at the auditions for ‘Speed III'” – shawn doney

· “Milton Misses Yet Another Meeting of Premature Ejaculators Anonymous” – Tom Ediger

· “Never ask a hobo if he’s coming or going.” – LadyP

· “Premature embarkation” – mdub

· “Second Thought, Let’s Go For Two” – Martin Frazee

· “Senator Foley just isn’t the same when he’s not IMing” – oye

· “The Man On The Bus Goes Rub, Rub, Ooops…” – Sam Nassar

· “Why the 6 is never on schedule” – Rionn Fears Malechem


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

You Laugh, But This Is How We Decided to Invade Iraq

Guy #1: So are we gonna make out later? I’m going back to LA; we’ll never have to see each other again.
Girl: No, I don’t think so.
Guy #2: Yes! That’s a maybe!

–The Delancey, Delancey between Clinton & Attorney
Headline by: Kane, OKC

Runners-Up:
· “At the Clubs He Goes to, Pepper Spray to the Face Means ‘I Love You'” – Bardley
· “Breaking News: Harsh No/Yes Polarity Outlawed in LA” – LoneRhino
· “Governor Schwarzenegger, Would You Please Take the Stand?” – not a terminator fan.
· “His Glass Is Half Full… Of GHB” – Panthea
· “Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s Final Conversation” – QueenNisha
· “Surprisingly ‘Between Clinton & Attorney’ Only Describes the Location” – matintin
· “Why the ‘Just Say No’ Policy Failed: Men Were Involved” – Mark Manne
· “Women Are from New York, Men Are from LA” – Alika
· “Yeah, and Maybe We’ll Still Find the WMD” – 999er
· “Yes! He’s Probably Sold His Screenplay, Too! Maybe!” – David Terrenoire

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Hee Hee Hee, You Said ‘Wednesday One-Liners’

Woman: See? I’m really good at boning.

–Gavroche, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: the immature restaurant guest

Woman, yelling over to man during downpour: How come every man I date ends up getting me wet?

–Water Club, 500 E 30th

Overheard by: Carolyn

Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up?

–Gold’s Gym, 250 West 54th

Teen: I was so thirsty. Anything that went in my mouth, I swallowed.

–LIRR

Overheard by: kaydot

NYU trendoid: I need some nuts, like, hardcore.

–MoMA

Conductor: Please let the passengers get off before pushing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast!

–Manhattan bound L train

Overheard by: Philip

Girl: Ooo! I’ll suck on it with you!

–3rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: confused grad student

Better to Be Safe

Girl #1: So he was at my house and we were like, fooling around on my bed, and I was lying on top of him, but then I made him get up.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because if he got turned on, got hard, came, his zipper fell down a little and some come got on my pants and while I was taking off my pants it brushed my underwear and then went inside me, I could totally get pregnant.
Girl #2: Oh, right.

–84th & 2nd

Overheard by: Samantha Thomas