Archive for the ‘Getting Off’ Category

Ac­tu­al­ly, I On­ly Have about Three Non-Beast Shots in Me

Col­lege guy #1: You know, the first five or six times a day it’s easy to just rub one out, but at, like, sev­en or eight you got­ta start get­ting in­ven­tive.
Col­lege guy #2: Ha, ha — yeah, man.
Col­lege girl: …What?
Col­lege guy #1: I mean, that’s when you got­ta pull out the beas­t­ial­i­ty and shit to get it done.
Col­lege guy #2: Ha, ha — yeah, man.
Col­lege girl: Oh my god, I’m go­ing to need ther­a­py. Can you stop speak­ing?

–Broad­way near NYU

Over­heard by: wor­ried that they are our fu­ture

Fi­nal­ly, A Quote With A Hap­py End­ing!

Hobo: I need you to stop here. I need to get off and wash my pants. There has been a sex­u­al re­lease in my pants!

–Lenox Ave bus

Head­line by: Dan

Run­ners-Up:

· “And That’s Why I Was Late” — chron­i­cal­ly tardy

· “Bussed a Nut — Crosstown Ex­cite­ment Goes A Block Too Far” — Matt G.

· “Dis­hon­or­able Dis­charge” — Jim C.

· “Eco­nom­i­cal­ly and so­cial­ly dis­en­franchized peo­ple say the darn­d­est things” — Em­ma

· “MTA’s new “Re­quest-a-Stop” and hand­job fea­ture” — Jobee

· “Mar­vin Gaye’s re­tard­ed half-broth­er” — Mary Beth Han­lon

· “Mean­while, at the au­di­tions for ‘Speed III’ ” — shawn doney

· “Mil­ton Miss­es Yet An­oth­er Meet­ing of Pre­ma­ture Ejac­u­la­tors Anony­mous” — Tom Edi­ger

· “Nev­er ask a hobo if he’s com­ing or go­ing.” — La­dyP

· “Pre­ma­ture em­barka­tion” — mdub

· “Sec­ond Thought, Let’s Go For Two” — Mar­tin Frazee

· “Sen­a­tor Fo­ley just is­n’t the same when he’s not IM­ing” — oye

· “The Man On The Bus Goes Rub, Rub, Ooops…” — Sam Nas­sar

· “Why the 6 is nev­er on sched­ule” — Ri­onn Fears Malechem


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

You Laugh, But This Is How We De­cid­ed to In­vade Iraq

Guy #1: So are we gonna make out lat­er? I’m go­ing back to LA; we’ll nev­er have to see each oth­er again.
Girl: No, I don’t think so.
Guy #2: Yes! That’s a maybe!

–The De­lancey, De­lancey be­tween Clin­ton & At­tor­ney
Head­line by: Kane, OKC

Run­ners-Up:
· “At the Clubs He Goes to, Pep­per Spray to the Face Means ‘I Love You’ ” — Bard­ley
· “Break­ing News: Harsh No/Yes Po­lar­i­ty Out­lawed in LA” — Lon­eR­hi­no
· “Gov­er­nor Schwarzeneg­ger, Would You Please Take the Stand?” — not a ter­mi­na­tor fan.
· “His Glass Is Half Full… Of GHB” — Panthea
· “Jen­nifer Anis­ton and Brad Pit­t’s Fi­nal Con­ver­sa­tion” — Queen­Nisha
· “Sur­pris­ing­ly ‘Be­tween Clin­ton & At­tor­ney’ On­ly De­scribes the Lo­ca­tion” — mat­intin
· “Why the ‘Just Say No’ Pol­i­cy Failed: Men Were In­volved” — Mark Manne
· “Women Are from New York, Men Are from LA” — Ali­ka
· “Yeah, and Maybe We’ll Still Find the WMD” — 999er
· “Yes! He’s Prob­a­bly Sold His Screen­play, Too! Maybe!” — David Ter­renoire

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Hee Hee Hee, You Said ‘Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’

Woman: See? I’m re­al­ly good at bon­ing.

–Gavroche, 14th & 7th

Over­heard by: the im­ma­ture restau­rant guest

Woman, yelling over to man dur­ing down­pour: How come every man I date ends up get­ting me wet?

–Wa­ter Club, 500 E 30th

Over­heard by: Car­olyn

Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up?

–Gold’s Gym, 250 West 54th

Teen: I was so thirsty. Any­thing that went in my mouth, I swal­lowed.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: kay­dot

NYU tren­doid: I need some nuts, like, hard­core.

–Mo­MA

Con­duc­tor: Please let the pas­sen­gers get off be­fore push­ing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast!

–Man­hat­tan bound L train

Over­heard by: Philip

Girl: Ooo! I’ll suck on it with you!

–3rd St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: con­fused grad stu­dent

Bet­ter to Be Safe

Girl #1: So he was at my house and we were like, fool­ing around on my bed, and I was ly­ing on top of him, but then I made him get up.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Be­cause if he got turned on, got hard, came, his zip­per fell down a lit­tle and some come got on my pants and while I was tak­ing off my pants it brushed my un­der­wear and then went in­side me, I could to­tal­ly get preg­nant.
Girl #2: Oh, right.

–84th & 2nd

Over­heard by: Saman­tha Thomas