Archive for the ‘Gifts’ Category

“What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­er)”

Girl to teenage posse: Ei­ther the pen was re­al­ly weak or his butt was re­al­ly strong.

–Jack­son Heights, Queens

Over­heard by: News­bun­ny does­n’t want to know

Crazy guy to self, af­ter av­er­age woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I’d eat a sand­wich out that ass!

–36th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Din­gle­ber­ry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt mag­a­zines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It’s like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Old­er woman to younger woman: If your booty de­serves the cred­it, give it the cred­it!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Cred­it!

The An­gel Of Death Had Dif­fi­cul­ty Sus­tain­ing Friend­ships

Suit #1: So I said to them “hap­py an­niver­sary, here’s your ceme­tery plot.“
Suit #2 (as­ton­ished): What? You re­al­ly bought them ceme­tery plots for their an­niver­sary?
Suit #1: Yeah. I knew he was gonna drop soon, so I bought them.
Suit #2: Well, I guess it’s the gift that keeps on giv­ing.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: LF

Life Is Like a Box of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers…

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wan­na live in it!

–F Train

Over­heard by: LC

Con­duc­tor, over in­ter­com: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train is over­booked. That’s just the way things are. Life is un­fair.

–Am­trak Train, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: La­dle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have nev­er tired of hear­ing the word “vagi­na”. That time has passed.

–Stat­en Is­land Supreme Court

Con­duc­tor: Watch your step as you ex­it the train, and if you’re late, just re­mem­ber that life is a lot like be­ing on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re get­ting there.

–2 Train

Over­heard by: can this con­duc­tor dri­ve my train every day please?

What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers)

Drunk-look­ing girl on cell: … And I just re­ceived a post­card of butts! Things are look­ing up!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

An­gry soc­cer mom: Who­ev­er has his or her hand on my ass, you bet­ter be one of my kids.

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass stri­a­tions?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Col­lege girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Need­less to say, my ass cleared every sur­face he had in that room. Twice.

–Down­town B Train

Over­heard by: Po­la

Tall guy on cell: Lis­ten, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you got­ta do is pull out a cam­era. They drop their panties in a sec­ond, at least that’s what I tell the com­mit­tee.

–Star­bucks, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Con­duc­tor over loud­speak­er: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ ma­ma’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Over­heard by: Tina K

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Don’t Know How to Quit You

Young queer on cell, laugh­ing: I mean, what is he go­ing to black­mail me with?

–9th & 47th

Over­heard by: won­der­ing

Old­er queer to boyfriend: There’s noth­ing like lis­ten­ing to Bach af­ter hav­ing sex!

–W 72nd St, Record Store

Over­heard by: I’ll have to try that some­time…

(40-some­thing gay guy is look­ing through a clear­ance rack of mis­matched out­er­wear un­der sign that reads “Big and tall ac­tive bot­toms”)
60-some­thing gay guy, yelling: Good luck, dahling, you’re in the wrong sec­tion. Find where the big des­per­ate bot­toms are and try that!

–KMart, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: RoverUSA

Gay black man to whim­per­ing tod­dler held by moth­er: Don’t even start with me… Thank the Lord you ain’t my kid.

–M15 Bus

Young, good look­ing gay guy to much old­er ug­ly boyfriend: My ex-boyfriend al­ways bought me presents…

–86th St & Lex­ing­ton

I’m Thank­ful for My Fam­i­ly

Lit­tle boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. No­body cares!

–Prospect Heights

Over­heard by: Michael Barthel

Moth­er: Did you do these ques­tions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in ac­tu­al words!
Lit­tle boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Moth­er: Don’t fuck­ing lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why did­n’t you do your home­work?…Did you look at your­self be­fore we left the house? You look like fuck­ing shit!
Lit­tle boy: I’m sor­ry.
Moth­er: Sor­ry look­ing.

–F train

Man on cell: You stu­pid lit­tle bitch!…That’s right I want a bet­ter re­port card next year.

–West 4th Street & 6th Av­enue

Over­heard by: Scott Hoff­man

Teen girl: I’m not al­lowed to go home this week­end ’cause my fa­ther’s hav­ing one of his girl­friends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep some­where else, be­cause, uh, you know…”

–A train

Lit­tle girl: Mom­my, what’re we get­ting?
Mom­my: Pshh, I don’t know. You bet­ter fig­ure out quick, you’re the one’s got­ta eat.

–Fine Fair, Av­enue C

Over­heard by: Cat­e­chist

Boy: Did you get my Christ­mas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christ­mas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playsta­tion.
Dad: I’m not get­tin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want mon­ey.
Dad: You want my mon­ey, I want you to get good grades. Nei­ther of us get what we want, do we?

–6 train

Over­heard by: Chris Mohney

Do You Take This Wednes­day to Be Your Law­ful­ly Wed­ded One-Lin­er?

Grad stu­dent: Trans­la­tion: Will you mar­ry me? Or: I don’t want germs.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

Dude: … My wed­ding [mum­ble] gonna take away my clothes, so I’m go­ing to need a tear-away tuxe­do.

–53rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Jo

Chick to an­oth­er: Yeah, he’s the one who would­n’t mar­ry her be­cause she was too pale.

–Star­bucks

Blonde: … And I’m re­al­ly not sure, be­cause he said he should­n’t un­less we are mar­ried, but that it’s okay, we could just do it and then he could just con­fess his sins or some­thing like that…

–Broad­way & Prince

Over­heard by: Dan

Les­bian to group: So, what is the rea­son be­hind get­ting mar­ried, be­sides pre­tend­ing to be het­ero­sex­u­al? Ex­act­ly — presents!

–Par­ty, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Jude