Archive for the ‘Girlfriends’ Category

Dog: Um, I’ll Just Stay Here, Thanks

His­pan­ic dude, about large Pit­bull: Yo, this nig­ga is the one! I’­ma take this nig­ga home with me!
Girl­friend, about ad­ja­cent dog: I like this one!
His­pan­ic dude: Bitch, fuck you! I’­ma take the dog and leave you here! Put you in the dog cage, take this nig­ga home!

–An­i­mal Care and Con­trol, Adopt­able Dog Ward

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

Nah, She’s Fak­ing the Hys­te­ria, Too

Boyfriend: I’m sor­ry, I just can’t be with you any­more. You’re too clingy.
Girl­friend: I’m not clingy! I fucked, like, ten oth­er guys!
Boyfriend: While we were dat­ing?
Girl­friend: What­ev­er, it was be­cause you’re not that good in bed. Oh, yeah, I faked all my or­gasms, by the way. And my boobs? –Aren’t wa­ter bal­loons!
Boyfriend: Dude. First of all, we’re on a moth­er­fuck­ing-packed sub­way. Sec­ond of all, be­ing a crazy bitch is­n’t go­ing to help your case.
Girl­friend starts cry­ing hys­ter­i­cal­ly: You can’t break up with me! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Stranger, to boyfriend: If you’re think­ing of killing your­self af­ter this, I sell knives.

–Brook­lyn-bound L train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Looked Bet­ter in the Pre­views

Husky un­shaved guy to younger girl­friend: You mean you nev­er saw An­i­mal House? You’re not hu­man!

–Low­er West Side

Thug to an­oth­er: Jab­ba the Hutt? That’s like some Tony So­pra­no shit, nig­ga. And the spices? That’s drugs. Star Wars drugs!

–13th St & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Jaimie

Girl to friends: My Eng­lish teacher said Pre­cious is “whack.”

–City Cin­e­mas, E 86th St

Stuffy Bul­gar­i­an pro­fes­sor: Do you guys know the film Soul Plane? It’s very fun­ny, right?

–NYU

Over­heard by: re­al­ly glad I got up be­fore 9:30 for this

Girl on cell: Yeah, af­ter that movie, I’m gonna think all adopt­ed kids are evil dwarfs with a hor­mone im­bal­ance.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Ever Get the Sense That Every Day Is Like an Episode Of Springer?

Tall, gor­geous girl to much short­er, ugli­er boyfriend: Why do you need to know were I was last night? I thought you said our re­la­tion­ship was all about trust!
Boyfriend: I’m your boyfriend! I have a right to know where you were and who you were with!
(as they stop walk­ing and ar­gue loud­ly, a small crowd be­gins to gath­er)
Tall girl: Do you thing I was cheat­ing? Why would you think that? You’re the one that said you’re the on­ly one that will ever love me!
(crowd boos boyfriend)
Boyfriend: I am the on­ly man that will ever love you!
Ran­dom guy in crowd: I love you!
Boyfriend: You love me?
Ran­dom guy: No you douchebag, your girl­friend!

–Broad­way & Wall St.

Who’ll Have the Last Laugh When the Mes­si­ah Pops Out?

Girl­friend: I’m not feel­ing so good.
Boyfriend: Why? What’s wrong?
Girl­friend: I feel queasy and dizzy.
Boyfriend: What if you were preg­nant?
Girl­friend: By what? Im­mac­u­late con­cep­tion? Or your fin­ger?

–13th St & 4th Ave

Over­heard by: Bis­cuit-lover

“Cre­ative” Is a Eu­phemism for “Ig­no­rant”

Over­ly talk­a­tive man, af­ter see­ing “trans­par­ent mon­u­ment” ex­hib­it: I saw a white cloud and a gray cloud but I did­n’t see no black cloud…If I was Na­tive Amer­i­can I would see a red cloud!
Man’s Asian girl­friend: Or a pur­ple one!
Over­ly talk­a­tive man: What?!

–El­e­va­tor, The Met

Over­heard by: liselle boyette