Girlfriend: I just don’t know what else I’d do for a career. I don’t know how to do anything else.
Boyfriend: That’s silly. You’d be a great secretary!
Boyfriend: What? I mean like a high powered executive secretary.
–1st & 1st
Archive for the ‘Girlfriends’ Category
I Think I’ve Realized What I Want for Dessert
Polite diner: So would you?
Girlfriend: Would I what?
Polite diner: Lick your own vagina if you could.
Girlfriend: Absolutely not.
Polite diner: Well I would, it’s delicious.
–Restaurant, 11th & 2nd
Some Half-Baked Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b‑o-n‑g.
–19th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyle
Man in light green suit with orange-red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don’t smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don’t get high tonight!
–125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Plausible
Young hipster: So I said, “Mom, did you smoke with me?”
–Central Park Reservoir
Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don’t want me smoking pot, you don’t want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don’t want me chewing gum and now you don’t like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that’s okay with you?
–L Train
Overheard by: It’s me, bitches.
Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot dealer, because the stuff you’re smoking is really good.
–Cooper Union
Overheard by: me too
Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I’m serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don’t you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can’t see anymore and then I’ll be there. Alright? Bye.
–8th Ave & 27th St
Overheard by: Erica Friedman
Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn’t smell like weed?
–Washington Square Park
Your Heteronormativity Stings, Dude!
Thug in truck to guy kissing his girlfriend: Oh, get a room dude!
Guy kissing his girlfriend: Get a girl!
–82nd St
I Was Born a Wednesday, but I Identify With One-Liners
Guy to girlfriend and friend: Goddammit, neither one of you is a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.
–8th & 9th
Overheard by: cracking up
Girl on cell: Are all she-males gay? Cause if they’re into women, sign me up.
–Astor Place
Teen on cell: Dudes have, like, purses here…
–110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Al-master
Guy to friend: She’s not a tranny, but she’s, y’know: tran‑y.
–Grand St & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: KateM
Man on cell: You and I are both complex women. It’s more complicated than that.
–21st St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Ben
She Should Give Her Mouth a Rest…or Use It More
Chick #1: …so we fucked and then he didn’t call.
Chick #2: And you’re surprised? This is the third guy in 2 weeks who hasn’t called.
Chick #1: I know, but why don’t they ever call?
Chick #2: Probably because–don’t hate me for this, k?–but you’re kind of easy.
–Garden of Eden, 14th Street
Arrange a MoMA Intervention
Girl #1: I just don’t know if I can love him anymore.
Girl #2, giggling: Why not?
Girl #1: Stop laughing! What would you do if your boyfriend had a thing for dolphin art?!
–East Village
She’s Working Her Way through My Address Book. Today She’s on the Ds.
Girl #1: Hey, how’re you doing?
Girl #2: Hey! Aren’t you–?
Girl #1 slaps girl #2, then runs away screaming: You’re a fucking bitch!
Girl #2 on cell: Hello, Alex*? This is Diane*. I haven’t seen you in, like, three years, so could you please explain to me why your ex-girlfriend, whom I’ve never met, just slapped me and called me a bitch? Call me back, thanks, bye.
–Starbucks, 4th & University
Overheard by: Chitin
Headline by: David Terrenoire
Runners-Up:
· “Girl, Interrupted” — Cooper Cheatham
· “I think it had to do with that one time my penis was in your vagina.…” — ryan
· “Lucky to only get half the clap in return” — Brian A
· “Maybe Because You Still Have Me on Speed Dial After 3 years?” — Bobita
· “When Alibis Attack” — Barry Negrin
· “When you dump someone, you’re dumping everyone they’ve ever dumped.” — Ed Maudlin
· “You also might want to check on the pet rabbit” — will1966
They’re Both Looking to Trade Up
Girlfriend: Wait, so they’re engaged?
Boyfriend: They’re engaged… in the Murray Hill sense.
–Duane Reade, 33rd & 3rd
Overheard by: mb
You Can Do It, You Just Can’t Talk about It
Boyfriend: I would never go ass to mouth.
Girlfriend: I like to call my ass area the ‘danger zone.‘
Boyfriend: It is. There is serious bacteria there, and you shit out of it. I mean, how do you know that person didn’t just have diarrhea?
Girlfriend: You are the most disgusting person alive.
–42nd & Broadway
