Archive for the ‘Glad the Condom Broke’ Category

Be a Good Sport, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor, on loud­speak­er: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watch­ing the Su­per Bowl on­ly for the com­mer­cials. The Gi­ants are go­ing to be so far ahead of… the oth­er team… it’ll be a bor­ing game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the com­mer­cials are go­ing to be great!

–A train

Over­heard by: love this con­duc­tor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black bas­ket­ball play­ers are bet­ter than white ones? Be­cause Je­sus was black, so they’re like Je­sus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Su­per Bowl! Su­per bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Su­per Bowl’? Did­n’t you ever think about how stu­pid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Over­heard by: There­sa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cow­boys game with­out the cheer­lead­ers. There go half the male tick­et hold­ers.

–Prospect Park, Brook­lyn

Guy who is clear­ly not Eli Man­ning: What do I do? My name is Eli Man­ning, and I play for the New York Gi­ants.

–Up­per West Side

Guy ran­dom­ly wipes out on the side­walk, flat on his stom­ach with arms stretched out in front of him. Every­one stares.

Near­by cop: Safe!

–Out­side Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ba­nana­phone

Looks Like Dis­ney’s Al­ready Got­ten Its Claws In­to Him

Dad to four-year-old son: Hey, don’t touch that! Don’t pick up things off the ground here. I just saw a mouse.
Four-year-old son: You saw a mouse! You are so lucky! I al­ways want­ed to see one of those!
Dad, sigh­ing: You don’t want to see them, they are dirty.
Son: You’re so lucky. Wow! A mouse.

–8th Ave & 14th St

Over­heard by: Must not be from the vil­lage

Wednes­day One-Linered…With Chil­dren

Old Jew­ish woman to very ner­vous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Hon­ey, I’ve been mar­ried 53 years. The se­cret to a great mar­riage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.

–Dum­bo, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Tanya

Man on cell: I told her I would con­vert. We could go to Ve­gas and get mar­ried next week, no prob­lem.

–64th & Am­s­ter­dam

Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to sup­port me, and you’re 35 on an en­gi­neer’s salary and you can’t do the same. Do you know how many guys are beg­ging to mar­ry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!

–Tar­get Store, Brook­lyn

His­pan­ic woman on phone: So where are you now? You al­ready mar­ried him? Oh, okay. See you lat­er.

–28th & Park Av­enue South

Over­heard by: Alie

Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We’re go­ing to get mar­ried. (to five-year-old girl) What’s your name again?

–61st & Am­s­ter­dam

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Now with Col­or­ing Place­mat Menus

Small child in large line of kids to woman car­ry­ing first-aid kit: Hey, Miss Cyn­thia, I can’t wait to dis­ap­pear!

–Law­ton St, & Bush­wick Ave, Brook­lyn

Boy point­ing at guy dressed as Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty: We wait­ed this whole time just to see that?!

–Line for Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty, Bat­tery Park

Lit­tle girl: Dad­dy! I’m hard!


Over­heard by: Abram

Small boy: Mom­my, you sit over there next to Grand­ma, and I’ll sit over here next to my­self.

–Brook­lyn-bound F train

Over­heard by: post-mod­ern self-iden­ti­ty is a fun­ny thing

Sob­bing lit­tle boy in stroller to moth­er: Why can’t you just set­tle me dowwwn?!

–48th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Mi­caela

Wednes­days Make You Want to Have One-Lin­ers of Your Own

Lit­tle white boy to frus­trat­ed black nan­ny who is try­ing to hail a cab: My dad­dy al­ways gets a taxi!

–Hous­ton & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Dan

Lit­tle boy: This place is like a dead zoo.

–Amer­i­can Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Four-year-old boy: Yo, this so­fa is mad com­fy!

–Used Fur­ni­ture Store, Stat­en Is­land

Four-year-old boy: That’s enough, I’m call­ing In­ter­pol!

–A Train

Over­heard by: Swar­les

Lit­tle girl to mom af­ter ter­ri­ble Skyride at­trac­tion: Mom­my, can we nev­er do this again?
(ran­dom guy be­hind her starts laugh­ing) Stop it! Stop laugh­ing at me!

–Em­pire State Build­ing

Over­heard by: Claire

Eight-year-old boy: This mu­se­um is in­ap­pro­pri­ate.

–The Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art, Greek & Ro­man Sculp­ture Wing

Over­heard by: Tay­lor