Archive for the ‘God’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers En­joy Team Sports

20-some­thing guy on Black­Ber­ry: No, he’s not gay. I was in a five­some with him, but he’s not gay.

–L Train

Girl to gay friend af­ter walk­ing in­to gay bar: Dude, ei­ther find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch.


Girl to guy friends: I mean, he’s okay he had the threesome–the guy was his best friend!

–8th St & 5th Ave

An­gry woman on phone: While you’re out hav­ing or­gies I am do­ing the re­al work!

–Vic­to­ri­an Flat­bush

Pre­ten­tious pro­fes­sor type in aca­d­e­m­ic tone: My ex had un­re­al­is­tic fan­tasies. She used to dream about be­ing fucked by God and Sa­tan and the same time. How could I live up to that?


Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt

Get a Lit­tle Car­dio With­out Your Ears Bleed­ing

Loud evan­ge­list, shout­ing in packed sub­way car: And so I dis­cov­ered that Je­sus Christ is the on­ly mes­si­ah! I found the Lord! I found the truth and the light!
Trapped pas­sen­ger #1: Could you turn it down a lit­tle?
Loud evan­ge­list, shout­ing in packed sub­way car: I was a sin­ner! I spent thir­ty-five years run­ning from the word of the Lord!
Trapped pas­sen­ger #2: At least you could run…

–A Train

Over­heard by: peep­er

And Wednes­day Said, “Let There Be One-Lin­ers.”

Guy on cell: Sup­pose there is no god. (pause) Hel­lo? Can you hear me? Sup­pose there is no god. (pause) Hel­lo? Hel­lo? Can you hear me?


Over­heard by: Is God try­ing to tell you some­thing?

In­tense man, grasp­ing wom­an’s shoul­ders: God want­ed me to, and I was ready to.

–Near River­side Church, Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: I wish I knew more

Guy, in awed tones, hear­ing “Le nozze di Fi­garo” through open win­dow: It’s like the voice of God…

–The Bronx

Over­heard by: ground floor mu­sic lover

Crazy man: There is on­ly one God. There is on­ly one re­al deal. I can’t af­ford sex any­more.

–Out­side Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: That took a turn

If This Con­ver­sa­tion Goes on for Much Longer, There Def­i­nite­ly Is­n’t a God.

Boy, af­ter watch­ing An In­con­ve­nient Truth: Do you be­lieve in god?
Girl: I be­lieve in moth­er na­ture.
Boy: You don’t be­lieve in god?
Girl: I mean, I do… But I be­lieve this is hap­pen­ing be­cause of na­ture.
Boy: But you be­lieve in her?
Girl: What?
Boy: Moth­er na­ture?
Girl: Moth­er na­ture is not like a per­son… It’s just a say­ing for na­ture.
Boy: Wait… What? Oh… (pause) I thought she was like a tree or some­thing.

–Re­gal Cin­e­ma, Union Square

Over­heard by: Noe­man Sam­dani

White Folks Still Claim Je­sus Was A Crack­er

Teen boy: Do you know where I can find those Com­mu­nion wafers? I want to eat them with sal­sa.
Friend: Um, you can’t just eat those. It’s the body of Christ.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Ja­son
Head­line by: Bored Be­yond Be­lief

· “Be­sides, Three Days Lat­er You’ll Be Hun­gry Again” — Sparky
· “…And Af­ter Three days, He Arose, with Crav­ing for Pi­co de Gal­lo” — Russ Wall
· “…And They’re 2000 Years Past Their Ex­pi­ra­tion Date” — John
· “And Stop Putting Salt on the Rim of the Chal­ice” — Amy Stephen­son
· “Betcha Can’t Tran­sub­stan­ti­ate Just One” — chris
· “Body of Sa­tan Has More Tang Any­way” — Jes­si­ca
· “Friends Don’t Let Friends Go to Church Stoned” — Pix
· “If Je­sus Want­ed Us to Eat Him with Sal­sa, He’d Be Ap­pear­ing on Tor­tillas.… Oh… Wait.” — ile­manz­er
· “Look for the Bag Marked ‘Cor­pus Crispy’ ” — Slept thru the Ser­mon
· “My God Stays Crunchy in Milk” — Bene­dict
· “That’s What You Said about the Last Donut, Too” — SDP
· “The Next Spe­cial In­gre­di­ent on Iron Chef” — dan
· “They’re Best Served with Dog­ma” — zg
· “Try the Taco Bells of St. Mary’s” — jules

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Son Of a Wednes­day One-Lin­er Man

Evan­ge­list out­side gym: You want to be a ma­cho man? Look at Je­sus!

–Broad­way & Prince

Street evan­ge­list on mi­cro­phone: Y’all ever see two fe­male pi­geons in bed to­geth­er?

–Ford­ham Plaza

Very ag­i­tat­ed priest: Je­sus was a zy­gote once–what if Mary abort­ed him?

–St. Luke’s Church, White­stone

Crazy sub­way evan­ge­list: If god could make me a good crack­head, you best be­lieve he could make me a good preach­er.

–E Train

Over­heard by: Gig­gling at crack

Preach­er: And that’s why your re­li­gion is null and void.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Al­fie