Guy #1: Did you hear that Beyonce is playing Eartha Kitt in a biopic?
Guy #2: What the fuck? Are you serious? I need to get in contact with god!
Guy #1: Yeah, I think we are in our last days, like old people say.
–5th Ave b/w 18th & 19th St
Archive for the ‘God’ Category
I’m Really Sick of Him Filling Me Up with His Love
Jesus freak: Before you make love to your wife, you must make love to God.
Blonde: Ewww!
–2 train
Overheard by: invid
Much Like the Continued Popularity of Walker: Texas Ranger
Drunk guy to laughing Asian: There is no theory of evolution – only a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Girlfriend: Babe, no more Chuck Norris, please!
Drunk guy: But Chuck Nor…
Girlfriend: No, give me one good reason you should talk about Chuck Norris.
Drunk guy (without hesitation): Cause god wanted 10 days to create the world, and Chuck Norris only gave him 6, do you want an 8‑day work week? Huh?
Girlfriend to friend: How did I just lose this argument?
Friend: Yeah, that was unexpected.
–Zanzibar Bar
Overheard by: Wish i was chuck norris
So I Can Pour It Over Your Head
Tall man to fat woman (after pouring two glasses of water): You want a glass?
Fat woman: No, thanks.
Tall man: God told me to pour two glasses. He talks to me all the time.
Fat woman: Okay, if your god told you, I have to take it.
–Montefiore Medical Center
Overheard by: Juantanom Bay
Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy Team Sports
20-something guy on BlackBerry: No, he’s not gay. I was in a fivesome with him, but he’s not gay.
–L Train
Girl to gay friend after walking into gay bar: Dude, either find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch.
–NYC
Girl to guy friends: I mean, he’s okay he had the threesome – the guy was his best friend!
–8th St & 5th Ave
Angry woman on phone: While you’re out having orgies I am doing the real work!
–Victorian Flatbush
Pretentious professor type in academic tone: My ex had unrealistic fantasies. She used to dream about being fucked by God and Satan and the same time. How could I live up to that?
–NYU
Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You’re welcome!
–Washington Square Park
Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your number. He’s got crabs.
–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria
Overheard by: OhKellyO
Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.
–Battery Park
Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part
Thug to thugette: I didn’t have warts on my body till I met you.
–Metro North
Overheard by: baconista
Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I – no, I’m sorry, I’ve just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?
–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kytt
Get a Little Cardio Without Your Ears Bleeding
Loud evangelist, shouting in packed subway car: And so I discovered that Jesus Christ is the only messiah! I found the Lord! I found the truth and the light!
Trapped passenger #1: Could you turn it down a little?
Loud evangelist, shouting in packed subway car: I was a sinner! I spent thirty-five years running from the word of the Lord!
Trapped passenger #2: At least you could run…
–A Train
Overheard by: peeper
And Wednesday Said, “Let There Be One-Liners.”
Guy on cell: Suppose there is no god. (pause) Hello? Can you hear me? Suppose there is no god. (pause) Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?
–Bus
Overheard by: Is God trying to tell you something?
Intense man, grasping woman’s shoulders: God wanted me to, and I was ready to.
–Near Riverside Church, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: I wish I knew more
Guy, in awed tones, hearing “Le nozze di Figaro” through open window: It’s like the voice of God…
–The Bronx
Overheard by: ground floor music lover
Crazy man: There is only one God. There is only one real deal. I can’t afford sex anymore.
–Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: That took a turn
Until We Get the Parthenogenesis Project Off the Ground
Little old lady #1: Every daughter is a daughter of the Man!
Little old lady #2: True, very true.
–112th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bad Minkey
If This Conversation Goes on for Much Longer, There Definitely Isn’t a God.
Boy, after watching An Inconvenient Truth: Do you believe in god?
Girl: I believe in mother nature.
Boy: You don’t believe in god?
Girl: I mean, I do… But I believe this is happening because of nature.
Boy: But you believe in her?
Girl: What?
Boy: Mother nature?
Girl: Mother nature is not like a person… It’s just a saying for nature.
Boy: Wait… What? Oh… (pause) I thought she was like a tree or something.
–Regal Cinema, Union Square
Overheard by: Noeman Samdani
