God squad guy: Jesus is the way, Jesus is the way, take a prayer book because Jesus is the way!
Man: Look, buddy, it’s New York. We’re all Jewish in one way or another. Try Jersey.
–Union Square West
Overheard by: CW
Archive for the ‘God Squad’ Category
Five Years Till It’s Available Only on DVD
Bible-thumping lady: Get your Bible! We only have approximately five years left!
Passerby: Five years! Fuck! I gotta get movin’!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Adam Bertocci
And I Only Do Anal with Priests
Jock: So, maybe you and I could… have coffee or lunch some time?
Religious chick: Sorry, I only date guys who are saved.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: cindy hawkins
Are You Even an Authorized Spokesperson?
Woman preaching: Jesus loves you!
Obviously Jewish girl: Well, supposedly we killed him, so I don’t think so.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: G
Whatever It Takes
Religious lady: Here’s a flyer to educate you about Jesus.
Teen guy: I’m agnostic.
Religious lady: That’s the wrong religion.
Teen guy: It’s not a religion.
Religious lady: Accept Jesus Christ and be saved!
Teen guy: Fuck Jesus.
Religious lady: What?!
Teen guy: Fuck Jesus.
Religious lady: You shouldn’t say that — Jesus will forgive you.
Teen guy: You’re ugly. Now leave me alone.
–Delancey St
Overheard by: Used to this shit
When Crying “Wolf” Got Old, Peter Turned to This
Man on the street: Jesus loves you!
Teenage boy: I know he does!
Man on the street: Jesus is coming!
Teenage boy: Jesus is always coming.
Man on the street: He’s really coming this time!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Maya G.
Scenes From a Giuliani Presidency
Charity mugger: Hey, you girls like puppies, right?
Girl #1: I hate puppies.
Charity mugger: Umm, well you want to help the Katrina victims, right?
Girl #1: I hate Southerners.
Girl #2: New Orleans was a place of sin. Good riddance.
–Brooklyn Bridge-City Hall station
What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?
Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’
–Barnard College
Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike
Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…
–82nd & Madison
Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…
Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.
–Park Slope
20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!
–St. Mark’s & Ave B
Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank
Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’
–Near Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer
Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Rosie
Wednesday One-Liners Are History, Dude
Guy holding baby: I’ve decided I’m going to write a pop-up history of the ancient world, based on Herodotus. Should be great for babies.
–Strand Bookstore
American history tutor: The only dictator I know of is Hugo Chavez, and that’s because I met him.
–Jake’s Saloon, 57th & 10th
Overheard by: poor kid’s gonna fail that test
Rich mom with two kids: … And it was named after our country’s first president, Christopher Columbus.
–117th & Broadway
Overheard by: doesn’t get columbus day off
Guy to friend: If I can make it through the ’80s, I can make it through anything.
–Astor Pl
Overheard by: squishduck
Professor: Sigismondo Malatesta was the only person in history to ever be publicly consigned to Hell by the pope. Now, that’s when a pope was a pope. I wish the pope would just get on TV and say, ‘You’re going to Hell!’
–Fordham University – Rose Hill
Overheard by: Christina
Guy: Wait, have I ever told you guys about my irrational fear of the late 1800s?
–NYU dorm
Overheard by: Danimal
Name That Whore
Guy: OK, everyone who’s wearing the same clothes today as they did last night, raise their hands!
–5th Ave.