Archive for the ‘God’ Category

White Folks Still Claim Je­sus Was A Crack­er

Teen boy: Do you know where I can find those Com­mu­nion wafers? I want to eat them with sal­sa.
Friend: Um, you can’t just eat those. It’s the body of Christ.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Ja­son
Head­line by: Bored Be­yond Be­lief

Run­ners-Up:
· “Be­sides, Three Days Lat­er You’ll Be Hun­gry Again” — Sparky
· “…And Af­ter Three days, He Arose, with Crav­ing for Pi­co de Gal­lo” — Russ Wall
· “…And They’re 2000 Years Past Their Ex­pi­ra­tion Date” — John
· “And Stop Putting Salt on the Rim of the Chal­ice” — Amy Stephen­son
· “Betcha Can’t Tran­sub­stan­ti­ate Just One” — chris
· “Body of Sa­tan Has More Tang Any­way” — Jes­si­ca
· “Friends Don’t Let Friends Go to Church Stoned” — Pix
· “If Je­sus Want­ed Us to Eat Him with Sal­sa, He’d Be Ap­pear­ing on Tor­tillas.… Oh… Wait.” — ile­manz­er
· “Look for the Bag Marked ‘Cor­pus Crispy’ ” — Slept thru the Ser­mon
· “My God Stays Crunchy in Milk” — Bene­dict
· “That’s What You Said about the Last Donut, Too” — SDP
· “The Next Spe­cial In­gre­di­ent on Iron Chef” — dan
· “They’re Best Served with Dog­ma” — zg
· “Try the Taco Bells of St. Mary’s” — jules

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Son Of a Wednes­day One-Lin­er Man

Evan­ge­list out­side gym: You want to be a ma­cho man? Look at Je­sus!

–Broad­way & Prince

Street evan­ge­list on mi­cro­phone: Y’all ever see two fe­male pi­geons in bed to­geth­er?

–Ford­ham Plaza

Very ag­i­tat­ed priest: Je­sus was a zy­gote once–what if Mary abort­ed him?

–St. Luke’s Church, White­stone

Crazy sub­way evan­ge­list: If god could make me a good crack­head, you best be­lieve he could make me a good preach­er.

–E Train

Over­heard by: Gig­gling at crack

Preach­er: And that’s why your re­li­gion is null and void.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Al­fie

In Wednes­day One-Lin­ers We Trust

Hip­ster chick: Pop­ping a blis­ter is like smack­ing god in the face!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Al­ice

Home­less man on train beg­ging for mon­ey by telling jokes: A black man and a white man go in­to a bar. They get in­to a fight with each oth­er. And then they die. And then they go to heav­en and god says to them: “What it is… what it is!”

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Kristin

Girl to friend: I’m gonna have to get ghet­to on god!

–61st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: lizzerd

Home­less man says to home­less woman: Now, these peo­ple are try­ing to hood­wink god!

–Sev­enth Ave & Lin­coln Place, Park Slope

Over­heard by: An­nie

Pro­fes­sor to stu­dents: God is not a drug deal­er!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

None of That Ex­plains Car­rot Top

First man: So af­ter Cain killed Abel he was sent from ex­ile and went up Eu­rope way.
Sec­ond man: Not Asia?
First man: No, the Cau­cus moun­tains… that’s up Eu­rope way.
Sec­ond man: Oh, you mean like Turkey.
First man: And since black peo­ple don’t like the cold, Cain went to live in a cave and start­ed to grow and was the first cave­man. Now at that time there was di­nosaurs but they weren’t re­al­ly di­nosaurs, we call them di­nosaurs but that’s just how God made an­i­mals, you know, un­til you start messin with the DNA of ’em.
Sec­ond man: Oh!
First man: Then Cain met his sis­ter and they had a ba­by to­geth­er but since Cain was cursed for be­ing the first mur­der­er their ba­by came out an obi­no.
Sec­ond man: An obi­no?
First man: Yeah, a red-head­ed blue-eyed obi­no and that’s where white peo­ple come from. Then they went to the north pole and you know it’s light there six months and it’s dark there six months and the wind is al­ways blow­ing and that’s where Asian peo­ple come from. That’s why they eyes is like that be­cause the wind was al­ways blowin in they faces.

–D Train