Child: Mommy, why do we have to take off our shoes?
Mom: Because that’s the kind of irrational world we live in, where little children have to take off their shoes.
–Security line, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: jenya
Archive for the ‘Government’ Category
Going to the STD Clinic (A NYC Short Story)
Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster–
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.
Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They’re ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it’s really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what’s their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it’ all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart.
Indian chick: Anyway. I’m definitely thinkin’ about havin’ my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that’s all.
–Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: capn midnite
But aren’t they the same anyway?
Man in a full-length fur coat: “I’m a socialist monarchist. I believe in helping the people, but the people can’t help themselves.”
– W 83rd Post Office
Santa Finally Goes Legit
Asian kid: Why did you decide to start driving now?
Middle-aged thug: I drive trucks. Now it’s just time to tell the government.
–DMV, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Raise Your Hand If You Want to Buy This Dude a Beer
Tourist man to tourist wife: Look at that sign: “No honking, $350 fine.“
Sane-looking New Yorker: It’s unreal, isn’t it, how the government continues to discriminate against geese? No justice, no peace.
–5th Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Richard Nixon
But You Promised to Do My Taxes!
Chick: I can’t believe you can talk about how much you love your country, and you don’t even pay taxes!
Dude: I’ve paid more taxes than you’ve sucked dick. Which is a lot.
Chick, after long pause: I don’t know why you’re walking so fast — nothing’s happening when we get to your apartment.
–4th St & the Bowery
…And, Frankly, You’re Lucky I’m Even Talking to You.
Man needing help: I need to get my passport renewed before I leave for a trip out of the country next week.
Lady at post office: We can expedite it, and you can have your new passport in two weeks.
Man needing help: But I’ll be back from my trip to Mexico in less than two weeks.
Lady at post office: Well, we can expedite it and you’ll get your passport back in two weeks.
–Post Office, Grand Central
Overheard by: Adam Lazarus
You know you’re Not in New York when… (Part Ten)
Tourist in Vancouver: “I haven’t been able to find a post-office in Vancouver. Where are they?”
Waitress: “Oh, the Canadian government sold off all the post-offices, now they just have kiosks in any pharmacy, so just go to the drug store down the street.”
Why Trade Is Our Best Hope for World Peace
History teacher: So, Jane*, why haven’t you enlisted in the US military?
Asian bimbette: Um, because you can’t shop in Iraq.
–High school, Brooklyn
The Public’s Reaction to Julia Roberts’ Performance in Charlie Wilson’s War
Woman on phone: This is completely unacceptable! You work for the United States Government, and this is completely unacceptable!
Crazy old man: Shut up, you stupid cow!
–Hudson & Charles
