Archive for the ‘Gripes’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: So Life­like!

Girl: If I made a sex doll that smelled like elk, he would to­tal­ly do it!

–Queens

Mid­dle-aged Lati­no: I’ve got bar­bie dolls!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

News­pa­per ven­dor: Cause I have that mul­ti­ple sneez­ing thing! I hate that crap! I’m like a bob­ble-head doll!

–96th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: Galatea

Girl leav­ing nail sa­lon: It looks like Mal­ibu Bar­bie just threw up all over my feet.

–11th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Bill

De­spon­dent lit­tle girl in cof­fee shop: Um, I don’t play with the doll house that much be­cause you said we’re not sup­posed to play in the med­i­ta­tion room.

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Al­ice: I Could Go for Some Dwarfs

Hus­band: Geez! Alls you do is sit on your ass and play with the kids.
Wife: I’m sor­ry I am not Car­ol-freak­ing-Brady! We have six fuck­ing kids and I still have no Al­ice! Give me a break and cook din­ner your-fuck­ing-self! The kids are eat­ing PB&J — end of dis­cus­sion.
Hus­band: The Brady Bunch was for me like Snow White was for you.
Wife: But the dwarfs here don’t whis­tle while they work. I still want Al­ice!
Hus­band: You al­ways get the last word. I can’t top that! Dammit!

–So­ho

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

And It’ll Be a Lot More Fun Now That I Can Ac­tu­al­ly Hold My Liquor!

Girl #1: Re­al New York­ers hate LA. I’m sure I’d hate it if I had to live there.
Girl #2: Yeah, la’s ter­ri­ble. I would­n’t mind liv­ing in San Fran­cis­co, though, be­cause I was bap­tized there.
Girl #3: I don’t know, LA’s kind of fun for like a year.
Girl #1: When did you live there?
Girl #3: Third grade.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: bun­bury

Or a Tran­quil­iz­er Gun

Guy on cell: Oh my god, can you see my corn­hole? Well, does it at least look good? I went with him to Two Boots. I feel like I’m com­plete­ly im­pact­ed. I might have to get three colonics.
Girl with him, af­ter he hangs up: Oh my god, I re­al­ly need a boyfriend.

–Sug­ar Sweet Sun­shine Bak­ery

Noth­ing Says Healthy Re­la­tion­ship Like Self-Loathing

Ja­maican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done some­thing re­al­ly, re­al­ly hor­ri­ble to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Ja­maican girl: Oh, not 90 per­cent of the time. Just 10 per­cent.

–Sub­way to Archer Ave

Over­heard by: Just a girl

And I Know a Lot about Ug­ly

Yup­pie woman #1: So, why don’t you buy their prod­ucts? Is it be­cause of the whole child la­bor thing?
Yup­pie woman #2: No, I don’t give a shit about that — I’m a Re­pub­li­can. I just think their prod­ucts are ug­ly.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Gra­ham Davis

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Sales­woman to cus­tomer on busy day: Some days you re­al­ly should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Loud black la­dy on cell: Moth­a­fuck­ah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some oth­er… [whis­pers] bitch.

–Mail room, Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on any­one else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Over­heard by: Eye­teeth

Con­duc­tor: Jes­si­ca! Jes­si­ca! Girl, you on this train. Jes­si­ca Eliz­a­beth! I’m tak­ing you home, girl.

–6 train

Over­heard by: frida­holic