Archive for the ‘Gripes’ Category

And He Al­ways Ex­plodes Too Soon

Cute blonde: So, I thought I might like him, and we went on some fun dates, but then he shaved his head and now I can’t go out with him.
Friend: Wait — what’s wrong with him shav­ing his head?
Cute blonde: Well, noth­ing in the­o­ry, but now he looks like a ter­ror­ist.

–116th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: up­town girl

Head­line by: Sarah K

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Or Ghan­di, Whichev­er.” — John­ny
· “And He Wants Me to Call Him Brit­ney in Bed” — Sim Etrias
· “And the An­thrax in His Apart­ment Is No Pic­nic Ei­ther” — Naked Lunch
· “Oh, Whew… I Thought You Said, “tourist”” — Rhadaman­thus
· “Plus, I Would­n’t Qual­i­fy As One Of His 72 Vir­gins” — Mar­i­oRPG
· “Racial Pro­fil­ing Is So Hot Right Now” — Fran

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

She Does­n’t See Sex­u­al As­sault as a Cel­e­bra­tion, Like We Do

Drunk, creepy guy #1: She’s al­ways telling us about our flaws, and why she won’t get with us, but she won’t lis­ten to us tell her about her flaws!
Drunk, creepy guy #2, burn­ing his hand with a lighter: Yeah, she prob­a­bly acts the way she does be­cause she was raped, but she’s like “I don’t want to talk about it!”

–1 train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: So Life­like!

Girl: If I made a sex doll that smelled like elk, he would to­tal­ly do it!

–Queens

Mid­dle-aged Lati­no: I’ve got bar­bie dolls!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

News­pa­per ven­dor: Cause I have that mul­ti­ple sneez­ing thing! I hate that crap! I’m like a bob­ble-head doll!

–96th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: Galatea

Girl leav­ing nail sa­lon: It looks like Mal­ibu Bar­bie just threw up all over my feet.

–11th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Bill

De­spon­dent lit­tle girl in cof­fee shop: Um, I don’t play with the doll house that much be­cause you said we’re not sup­posed to play in the med­i­ta­tion room.

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Al­ice: I Could Go for Some Dwarfs

Hus­band: Geez! Alls you do is sit on your ass and play with the kids.
Wife: I’m sor­ry I am not Car­ol-freak­ing-Brady! We have six fuck­ing kids and I still have no Al­ice! Give me a break and cook din­ner your-fuck­ing-self! The kids are eat­ing PB&J — end of dis­cus­sion.
Hus­band: The Brady Bunch was for me like Snow White was for you.
Wife: But the dwarfs here don’t whis­tle while they work. I still want Al­ice!
Hus­band: You al­ways get the last word. I can’t top that! Dammit!

–So­ho

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

And It’ll Be a Lot More Fun Now That I Can Ac­tu­al­ly Hold My Liquor!

Girl #1: Re­al New York­ers hate LA. I’m sure I’d hate it if I had to live there.
Girl #2: Yeah, la’s ter­ri­ble. I would­n’t mind liv­ing in San Fran­cis­co, though, be­cause I was bap­tized there.
Girl #3: I don’t know, LA’s kind of fun for like a year.
Girl #1: When did you live there?
Girl #3: Third grade.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: bun­bury