Archive for the ‘Grocery Stores’ Category

The Sum Of All Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman on cell: And when my broth­er got near him, his poop came out. That’s how scared he was.

–107th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are re­al­ly scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark re­al­ly loud, and that’s to­tal­ly worse than them bit­ing you.

–Ma­jes­tic The­ater

Girl on cell: I went in for ge­net­ic coun­sel­ing and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Over­heard by: Todd Fletch­er

Girl on cell: No, you can’t go! I’m too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Su­per­mar­ket, As­to­ria

Con­duc­tor: Nev­er fear! The phan­tom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Alex

I Run the Hobo Gaunt­let Every Day

Yup­pie girl: I need to get an ex­fo­liant. You know that weird rough patch on my face?
Yup­pie guy: Yeah.
Yup­pie girl: I had it for a few weeks and just re­al­ized it was dead skin cells.
Yup­pie guy: Ew.
Yup­pie girl: Yeah, I just thought it was dried spit.

–Whole Foods check-out line, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: bathed and ex­fo­li­at­ed dai­ly

But How Will You Put Me to Sleep?

Six-year-old boy push­ing shop­ping cart: Dad­dy, look! Beer!
Dad: Yes, that’s beer.
Six-year-old boy: We have to get some beer.
Dad: No, we’re not get­ting any beer to­day.
Six-year-old boy, bummed: Okay, we won’t get any beer to­day.

–Grist­edes Su­per­mar­ket, 40th & 2nd

It’s All Greek to Me

Busi­ness­guy: It’s a small world.
Busi­ness­chick: Es­pe­cial­ly in As­to­ria!
Busi­ness­guy: Ha, ha, ha!
Busi­ness­chick: Hee, hee.

–Mid­town of­fice

Wait, You Got Peeps?

Woman in self-scan lane, yelling at em­ploy­ee: These Peeps won’t scan!
Em­ploy­ee: Ma’am, please calm down. I can scan them in for you.
Woman: No, you know what? I don’t need the Peeps. I’ll take my Pep­si and for­get the Peeps. Peeps not scan­ning… Ugh!
Em­ploy­ee, un­der her breath: Every fuck­ing time this bitch is in here…

–Food Em­po­ri­um

Over­heard by: Meaghan

Thank God the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Strike Is Over

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie con­trol our lives!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Poo­gins

Home­less crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twen­ties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is “Des­per­ate House­wives” on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large lati­no: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t be­lieve you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, se­ri­ous­ly bro… Well the main thing that hap­pened was Hei­di tried to apol­o­gize to LC and she was all like: “I wan­na for­get you!” I was like: “Whaaaaaat? For re­al?” It was crazy, you got­ta catch it!

–Times Square Of­fice Build­ing

Over­heard by: SU­SAN

Red­head: The “Brady Bunch” world is a world with­out urges.

–Ve­niero’s, 11th St be­tween 1st & 2nd

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred

Mus­cu­lar guy: He comes up to me talk­ing all this shit, say­ing that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangs­ta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skin­ny moth­er­fuc­ka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.

–On the Bus

Ful­some girl with bad dye job: I’m like: “I watch ‘Law and Or­der: SVU’, I’m not get­ting in your van.”

–15th be­tween 6th and 7th

Over­heard by: Dis­union­square

Aries Spears, in line for an Ash­lee Simp­son au­to­graph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a ran­dom girl’s cam­era and snaps a pic­ture of them to­geth­er and walks away.]

–Vir­gin Mo­bile Mega Store, Times Square