Archive for the ‘Guidos’ Category

Warn­ing: Watch­ing Hitch Has Been Shown to Cause Sui­cide in Lab­o­ra­to­ry An­i­mals

Gui­do #1: What’re you doin’ tonight?
Gui­do #2: Goin’ to a movie wit my girl.
Gui­do #1: Mm.
Gui­do #2: Goin’ to see Hitch.
Gui­do #3: Hitch? Is­n’t that a chick flick?
Gui­do #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Gui­do #3: Oh. Al­right.
Gui­do #2: I ain’t seein’ the fuckin’ movie by my­self.

–R train

Over­heard by: blues­dog

Some­one Needs to Put That on a T‑shirt

Queer: Want to apol­o­gize to every­one who you cut in front of?
Chick: Fuck you!
Queer: Ew! Well any­way, we hope you had a good time in there.
Chick: Fuck all of you!
Queer: You prob­a­bly took a shit in there, did­n’t you? I bet you did! Fat girls are al­ways shit­ting!

–Slip­per Room, Or­chard Street

Gui­do on cell: Yeah, there was bitch­es dancin’ on the bar and shit…No, no, my fin­gers is cold…
Bag la­dy: Fuck your fin­gers! I ain’t got shoes on, ya dumb twink!

–48th & 8th

Over­heard by: Fish the Mag­ish

Dude: What about him?
Chick: “Oh, hell no. I ain’t no fat­ty­banger!

–Union Square sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers and Tigers and Bears–Oh, My!

Young woman to an­oth­er: But do you know how big a horse dick is?

–5th Ave & Car­roll, Park Slope

Girl: I’m re­al­ly tired. I’m, like, an an­i­mal ac­tivist right now.

–Park­ing Lot, Broad­way Mall

Over­heard by: Lysa

Stu­dent: I’m not that sen­si­tive. I can watch those videos where they like, tor­ture the an­i­mal or what­ev­er, and then I’ll go eat it.

–Car­do­zo Law School

Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Pan­da?

–NYU Din­ing Hall

Co­lum­bia girl: I’d nev­er have asked if I knew he was the one who’d killed it. But I did­n’t sus­pect him. Who’d spend their time stran­gling a ger­bil?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Who’d have thought?

Gui­do to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.

–Penn Sta­tion

La­dy on speak­er: If you have an an­i­mal, please do not put it through the X‑ray.

–La­Guardia Air­port