Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Guidos’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners and Tigers and Bears–Oh, My!

Young woman to another: But do you know how big a horse dick is? –5th Ave & Carroll, Park Slope Girl: I'm really tired. I'm, like, an animal activist right now. –Parking Lot, Broadway Mall Overheard by: Lysa Student: I'm not that sensitive. I can watch those videos where they like, torture the animal or whatever, and then I'll go eat it. –Cardozo Law School Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Panda? –NYU Dining Hall Columbia girl: I'd never have asked if I knew he was the one who'd killed it. But I didn't suspect him. Who'd spend their time strangling a gerbil? –Columbia University Overheard by: Who'd have thought? Guido to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog. –Penn Station Lady on speaker: If you have an animal, please do not put it through the X-ray. –LaGuardia Airport

Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick! –W. 59th & 9th Ave Overheard by: Alexandra Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! –Brooklyn 20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.] –LIRR Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt! –Chelsea Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass. –16th & 9th Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention. –A Train Overheard by: Why MoMa?

You'd Think People Of Mediterranean Descent Would All Get Along Swimmingly

Guido: Excuse me, miss? Miss? Have I seen you in my church?
20-something girl: No.
Guido: No, no, I definitely saw you in my church. We go to the same one.
20-something girl, sighing: Sir… If I went to any house of worship, it'd be a synagogue. And I stay as far away from those as possible. Have a nice day now.
Guido: Aaaaawww, I liiike you! –82nd & Broadway

I Wanna Dip My Wednesday One-Liners in It!

Dude, walking up to security desk in emergency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off. –St. Lukes Roosevelt Hospital Overheard by: Kate Melvin Stoner chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the photos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all. –7 train Overheard by: bronwyn Out-of-place guido: I ain’t wearing nothin’ that touches my balls to my asshole! –8th Ave Overheard by: finds it comforting Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it’s like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy’s chick flick!!!" –E 85th St & 3rd Ave Guy: I use Burt’s bees for my balls. –Broadway & W 4th Overheard by: Jake R Guy #1 to guy #2: I really think you’d feel a lot better if you felt my balls. –6th Ave & Bleecker

Someone Needs to Put That on a T-shirt

Queer: Want to apologize to everyone who you cut in front of?
Chick: Fuck you!
Queer: Ew! Well anyway, we hope you had a good time in there.
Chick: Fuck all of you!
Queer: You probably took a shit in there, didn’t you? I bet you did! Fat girls are always shitting! –Slipper Room, Orchard Street Guido on cell: Yeah, there was bitches dancin’ on the bar and shit…No, no, my fingers is cold…
Bag lady: Fuck your fingers! I ain’t got shoes on, ya dumb twink! –48th & 8th Overheard by: Fish the Magish Dude: What about him?
Chick: “Oh, hell no. I ain’t no fattybanger! –Union Square station Overheard by: Sarah Booz

But I’m Sure He Could Read My Lips in His Rearview Mirror

Guido #1: So the fuckin’ Chink cop hands me the ticket, and I say, ‘Fuck you, ya fuckin’ Chink-ass cocksucker. Take this ticket and shove it up your Chink ass, you lo mein-suckin’, General Tso-fuckin’, slanty-eyed fuck.’
Guido #2: You said that to him?!
Guido #1: Yeah, after he drove away. –Kings Plaza Diner, Brooklyn Overheard by: Big Larry