Boyfriend: It’s called Taormina.
Girlfriend: Tromina?
Boyfriend: No, Taormina.
Girlfriend: Tarmina?
Boyfriend: No, tah-or-min-ah.
Girlfriend: Ta-roh-min-ah?
Boyfriend: How can you not say this? We’re fucking Italian!
–Mulberry St, Little Italy
Archive for the ‘Guidos’ Category
…Seriously, What's with the Scales?
Guido to chef: Ew, that looks like raw fish! It looks like salmon! Is that fish?
Japanese chef, cheerfully: It's chicken!
Guido: It looks like shit! I thought it was fish!
–Japanese Food Stand, Food Court, Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Ashamed to be Italian…
Wednesday One-Liners and Tigers and Bears–Oh, My!
Young woman to another: But do you know how big a horse dick is?
–5th Ave & Carroll, Park Slope
Girl: I'm really tired. I'm, like, an animal activist right now.
–Parking Lot, Broadway Mall
Overheard by: Lysa
Student: I'm not that sensitive. I can watch those videos where they like, torture the animal or whatever, and then I'll go eat it.
–Cardozo Law School
Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Panda?
–NYU Dining Hall
Columbia girl: I'd never have asked if I knew he was the one who'd killed it. But I didn't suspect him. Who'd spend their time strangling a gerbil?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Who'd have thought?
Guido to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.
–Penn Station
Lady on speaker: If you have an animal, please do not put it through the X-ray.
–LaGuardia Airport
Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses
Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!
–W. 59th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Alexandra
Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job!
–Brooklyn
20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.]
–LIRR
Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!
–Chelsea
Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.
–16th & 9th
Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention.
–A Train
Overheard by: Why MoMa?
You'd Think People Of Mediterranean Descent Would All Get Along Swimmingly
Guido: Excuse me, miss? Miss? Have I seen you in my church?
20-something girl: No.
Guido: No, no, I definitely saw you in my church. We go to the same one.
20-something girl, sighing: Sir… If I went to any house of worship, it'd be a synagogue. And I stay as far away from those as possible. Have a nice day now.
Guido: Aaaaawww, I liiike you!
–82nd & Broadway
And People Who Don’t Ask Probing Questions about My Sexual Orientation
Italian dude: So, are you interested in men?
Coffee house chick: I’m only interested in alternative lifestyle karaoke characters.
–Waltz-Astoria, 24th St & Ditmars Blvd
I Wanna Dip My Wednesday One-Liners in It!
Dude, walking up to security desk in emergency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off.
–St. Lukes Roosevelt Hospital
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Stoner chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the photos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all.
–7 train
Overheard by: bronwyn
Out-of-place guido: I ain’t wearing nothin’ that touches my balls to my asshole!
–8th Ave
Overheard by: finds it comforting
Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it’s like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy’s chick flick!!!"
–E 85th St & 3rd Ave
Guy: I use Burt’s bees for my balls.
–Broadway & W 4th
Overheard by: Jake R
Guy #1 to guy #2: I really think you’d feel a lot better if you felt my balls.
–6th Ave & Bleecker
Someone Needs to Put That on a T-shirt
Queer: Want to apologize to everyone who you cut in front of?
Chick: Fuck you!
Queer: Ew! Well anyway, we hope you had a good time in there.
Chick: Fuck all of you!
Queer: You probably took a shit in there, didn’t you? I bet you did! Fat girls are always shitting!
–Slipper Room, Orchard Street
Guido on cell: Yeah, there was bitches dancin’ on the bar and shit…No, no, my fingers is cold…
Bag lady: Fuck your fingers! I ain’t got shoes on, ya dumb twink!
–48th & 8th
Overheard by: Fish the Magish
Dude: What about him?
Chick: “Oh, hell no. I ain’t no fattybanger!
–Union Square station
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
But I’m Sure He Could Read My Lips in His Rearview Mirror
Guido #1: So the fuckin’ Chink cop hands me the ticket, and I say, ‘Fuck you, ya fuckin’ Chink-ass cocksucker. Take this ticket and shove it up your Chink ass, you lo mein-suckin’, General Tso-fuckin’, slanty-eyed fuck.’
Guido #2: You said that to him?!
Guido #1: Yeah, after he drove away.
–Kings Plaza Diner, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Now’s the Time to Clarify These Things
Guido: I like my women a little more, shall we say, feminine.
Trannie: Yeah, I’ve got balls.
–LIRR, 6 AM
Overheard by: eileen