Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Alexandra

Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brooklyn

20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.]

–LIRR

Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention.

–A Train

Overheard by: Why MoMa?

Warning: Watching Hitch Has Been Shown to Cause Suicide in Laboratory Animals

Guido #1: What’re you doin’ tonight?
Guido #2: Goin’ to a movie wit my girl.
Guido #1: Mm.
Guido #2: Goin’ to see Hitch.
Guido #3: Hitch? Isn’t that a chick flick?
Guido #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Guido #3: Oh. Alright.
Guido #2: I ain’t seein’ the fuckin’ movie by myself.

–R train

Overheard by: bluesdog

Happy Father’s and Deadbeat’s Day II

Guido kid: I wish that dad was here.
Guido kid’s mom: I do too, because the fat fuck owes me a thousand dollars

–Penn Station, NJ Transit

Overheard by: waiting for his 6:14 train

Someone Needs to Put That on a T‑shirt

Queer: Want to apologize to everyone who you cut in front of?
Chick: Fuck you!
Queer: Ew! Well anyway, we hope you had a good time in there.
Chick: Fuck all of you!
Queer: You probably took a shit in there, didn’t you? I bet you did! Fat girls are always shitting!

–Slipper Room, Orchard Street

Guido on cell: Yeah, there was bitches dancin’ on the bar and shit…No, no, my fingers is cold…
Bag lady: Fuck your fingers! I ain’t got shoes on, ya dumb twink!

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: Fish the Magish

Dude: What about him?
Chick: “Oh, hell no. I ain’t no fattybanger!

–Union Square station

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Now’s the Time to Clarify These Things

Guido: I like my women a little more, shall we say, feminine.
Trannie: Yeah, I’ve got balls.

–LIRR, 6 AM

Overheard by: eileen

If Only at Life

Guido #1, in drunken sing-songy voice: Yan-kees suuuuck! Yan-kees suuuuck!
Guido #2: They win a lot!

–Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: jalabi99

What’s the Point of Even Going There If We Have to Behave?

Guido teen #1: I’m serious, you do not want to go to jail in Europe!
Guido teen #2: For reals — they’re, like, mad strict over there…
Guido teen #1: Damn…

–42nd St, Astoria

I’d Enlist to Military-Service Her

Guido #1: Yo, girl, wassup, wassup?
Pretty Asian girl, walking briskly: I don’t want your services.
Guido #1: I don’t got no services. Whachu talkin bout, services? Psh!
Guido #2: Yo, you would service her.
Guido #1: Yeah, bro, I would totally service her!

–22nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ilikecandy

It Was on the Guido Licensing Exam!

Boyfriend: It’s called Taormina.
Girlfriend: Tromina?
Boyfriend: No, Taormina.
Girlfriend: Tarmina?
Boyfriend: No, tah-or-min-ah.
Girlfriend: Ta-roh-min-ah?
Boyfriend: How can you not say this? We’re fucking Italian!

–Mulberry St, Little Italy

…Seriously, What’s with the Scales?

Guido to chef: Ew, that looks like raw fish! It looks like salmon! Is that fish?
Japanese chef, cheerfully: It’s chicken!
Guido: It looks like shit! I thought it was fish!

–Japanese Food Stand, Food Court, Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Ashamed to be Italian…

Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Guidos’ Category