Archive for the ‘Guidos’ Category

Some­one Needs to Put That on a T‑shirt

Queer: Want to apol­o­gize to every­one who you cut in front of?
Chick: Fuck you!
Queer: Ew! Well any­way, we hope you had a good time in there.
Chick: Fuck all of you!
Queer: You prob­a­bly took a shit in there, did­n’t you? I bet you did! Fat girls are al­ways shit­ting!

–Slip­per Room, Or­chard Street

Gui­do on cell: Yeah, there was bitch­es dancin’ on the bar and shit…No, no, my fin­gers is cold…
Bag la­dy: Fuck your fin­gers! I ain’t got shoes on, ya dumb twink!

–48th & 8th

Over­heard by: Fish the Mag­ish

Dude: What about him?
Chick: “Oh, hell no. I ain’t no fat­ty­banger!

–Union Square sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers and Tigers and Bears–Oh, My!

Young woman to an­oth­er: But do you know how big a horse dick is?

–5th Ave & Car­roll, Park Slope

Girl: I’m re­al­ly tired. I’m, like, an an­i­mal ac­tivist right now.

–Park­ing Lot, Broad­way Mall

Over­heard by: Lysa

Stu­dent: I’m not that sen­si­tive. I can watch those videos where they like, tor­ture the an­i­mal or what­ev­er, and then I’ll go eat it.

–Car­do­zo Law School

Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Pan­da?

–NYU Din­ing Hall

Co­lum­bia girl: I’d nev­er have asked if I knew he was the one who’d killed it. But I did­n’t sus­pect him. Who’d spend their time stran­gling a ger­bil?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Who’d have thought?

Gui­do to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.

–Penn Sta­tion

La­dy on speak­er: If you have an an­i­mal, please do not put it through the X‑ray.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on blue­tooth head­set: You want every­one to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want every­one to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Over­heard by: Alexan­dra

Twelve-year-old gui­do, near tears, dou­bled over in the street scream­ing on his cell phone: You sucked Char­lie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Char­lie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brook­lyn

20 some­thing blonde on cell: … Is that nor­mal? [Pause.] No, it’s dif­fer­ent every time, like it al­most dis­ap­pears… Then an­oth­er time its all swing­ing and shit… Is that nor­mal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mum­bles.]

–LIRR

Man­ag­er to em­ploy­ee: You are a cock guz­zling thun­der­cunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blow­ing him in Mo­Ma, I re­al­ly don’t know how to get his at­ten­tion.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Why Mo­Ma?

You’d Think Peo­ple Of Mediter­ranean De­scent Would All Get Along Swim­ming­ly

Gui­do: Ex­cuse me, miss? Miss? Have I seen you in my church?
20-some­thing girl: No.
Gui­do: No, no, I def­i­nite­ly saw you in my church. We go to the same one.
20-some­thing girl, sigh­ing: Sir… If I went to any house of wor­ship, it’d be a syn­a­gogue. And I stay as far away from those as pos­si­ble. Have a nice day now.
Gui­do: Aaaaawww, I li­i­ike you!

–82nd & Broad­way