Archive for the ‘Guidos’ Category

You’d Think Peo­ple Of Mediter­ranean De­scent Would All Get Along Swim­ming­ly

Gui­do: Ex­cuse me, miss? Miss? Have I seen you in my church?
20-some­thing girl: No.
Gui­do: No, no, I def­i­nite­ly saw you in my church. We go to the same one.
20-some­thing girl, sigh­ing: Sir… If I went to any house of wor­ship, it’d be a syn­a­gogue. And I stay as far away from those as pos­si­ble. Have a nice day now.
Gui­do: Aaaaawww, I li­i­ike you!

–82nd & Broad­way

I Wan­na Dip My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers in It!

Dude, walk­ing up to se­cu­ri­ty desk in emer­gency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off.

–St. Lukes Roo­sevelt Hos­pi­tal

Over­heard by: Kate Melvin

Ston­er chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the pho­tos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all.

–7 train

Over­heard by: bron­wyn

Out-of-place gui­do: I ain’t wear­ing noth­in’ that touch­es my balls to my ass­hole!

–8th Ave

Over­heard by: finds it com­fort­ing

Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it’s like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy’s chick flick!!!”

–E 85th St & 3rd Ave

Guy: I use Burt’s bees for my balls.

–Broad­way & W 4th

Over­heard by: Jake R

Guy #1 to guy #2: I re­al­ly think you’d feel a lot bet­ter if you felt my balls.

–6th Ave & Bleeck­er

But I’m Sure He Could Read My Lips in His Rearview Mir­ror

Gui­do #1: So the fuckin’ Chink cop hands me the tick­et, and I say, ‘Fuck you, ya fuckin’ Chink-ass cock­suck­er. Take this tick­et and shove it up your Chink ass, you lo mein-suckin’, Gen­er­al Tso-fuckin’, slan­ty-eyed fuck.‘
Gui­do #2: You said that to him?!
Gui­do #1: Yeah, af­ter he drove away.

–Kings Plaza Din­er, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Warn­ing: Watch­ing Hitch Has Been Shown to Cause Sui­cide in Lab­o­ra­to­ry An­i­mals

Gui­do #1: What’re you doin’ tonight?
Gui­do #2: Goin’ to a movie wit my girl.
Gui­do #1: Mm.
Gui­do #2: Goin’ to see Hitch.
Gui­do #3: Hitch? Is­n’t that a chick flick?
Gui­do #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Gui­do #3: Oh. Al­right.
Gui­do #2: I ain’t seein’ the fuckin’ movie by my­self.

–R train

Over­heard by: blues­dog

Ouch, That Irony Smarts.

Gui­do #1, in thick Stat­en Is­land ac­cent: Yo, yo bro, I found this thing on Word, it makes you sound smarter.
Gui­do #2 in same ac­cent: No way, bro! What is it?
Gui­do #1: I don’t know, it’s this thing, you click it and it gives you all these words that make you sound smarter.
Gui­do #2: What’s it called?
Gui­do #1: Sin… Sinono… Sino-some­thin, but I swear to god, bro; it makes you sound smarter.

–St John’s Uni­ver­si­ty, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Not from Stat­en Is­land

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Suf­fer the Heartache of Gringo Hips

Four-year-old girl to nan­ny: No, princess­es don’t get tick­led. They just dance and get mar­ried.

–North Williams­burg

Over­heard by: an­ti-fem­i­nist

White girl in hood­ie: If I see any of the oth­er girls there want to dance with you they’d bet­ter watch out, ’cause it’s stab-a-slut Sun­day.

–J Train

Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, “wan­na dance?” and I was like “okay,” so she start­ed danc­ing mad good. She was grind­ing up against me with her ass.

–3rd Ave & 71st, Brook­lyn

Gay guy on cell in long line dur­ing Cir­cuit City close­out: Does it have speak­ers? Be­cause I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the mu­sic. It’s re­al­ly cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?

–Cir­cuit City, Union Square

Drunk girl to Gui­do she knocked heads with while danc­ing: I’m a drinker, not a dancer!

–Hook & Lad­der Pub, Mur­ray Hill

Over­heard by: al­so a drinker

Pro­fes­sor: I’m of the per­son­al opin­ion that any­thing counts for art. Take, for ex­am­ple, Nel­ly’s “Hot in Here.” We have an ad­mo­ni­tion of cer­tain weath­er con­di­tions and an en­treaty for cer­tain mem­bers of a de­mo­graph­ic to re­act with­in a cer­tain way, and a com­pli­ant voice replies, “I am get­ting so hot, I’m gonna take my clothes off.” This piece of art demon­strates how much eas­i­er life would be if get­ting a woman naked was that easy. And al­so, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don’t lie.

–NYU Bob­st Li­brary

Over­heard by: queenof­s­cots