Guy #1: I don’t remember how to sleep anymore, and I don’t even do drugs. No cocaine, nothing.
Guy #2: (blank stare)
Guy #1: Well enough about me, how do you like my shoes?
–7th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Peter
Archive for the ‘Guys’ Category
Like That Awesome Hobo Who Urinated on Us Earlier!
Tourist: I read about this place in that New York book I got from the library.
Guy in line: Did it also tell you that when it’s a full moon everything is half off?
Tourist to friend: Dude! We should just both get the large, then.
Friend: I love this town and its little quirks like this.
–Gray’s Papaya
Alfred the Human Polygraph Had Yet to Learn to Control His Power
Chick: You know, even though I’m 22, every time I go out, when I’m home my mom still waits up for me.
Random guy: No, she doesn’t.
–6 Train
Lady Gaga’s Less Popular Cousin?
Guy #1: Why is it so small?
Guy #2: That’s what gugu said.
Guy #3: Excuse me, but what in the world is a gugu?
–Times Square
Soylent Green Is Wednesday One-Liners!
Girl on cell: So I told her I didn’t think George Washington was a cannibal.
–Barnes & Noble, Staten Island
Overheard by: Marina Tricorico
Asian girl to friend: You know, if he really likes you, he’d eat you.
–Coles Sports Center
Overheard by: Alice Huang
Hysterical woman screaming at cops: She bit me! I did not touch her!
–84th & Broadway
Overheard by: rachel
Dude: Remember that crazy condo lady? She totally ate my ass on the first date.
–Chelsea
20-something guy on cell: have you ever tasted pee before?! Word?!
–Spring & W Broadway
Three-year-old girl: Daddy, I’m eating your eyeballs!
–R Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
What’s a Nice Wednesday Like You Doing in a One-Liner Like This?
Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There’s no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Creeped out.
Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Katie
Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagina Whisperer.”
–Moe’s Bar. Brooklyn
Guy hitting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do something weird… I’ll pour honey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I’ll pour butter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the butter off your back with it!
–1 Train
Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beautiful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.
–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn
Harold Is Dating the Only Girl in NYC Who’s Aroused by That
Girl: So, can you beatbox?
Guy: No, but I can make elephant noises. [Makes elephant noises.]
–Savoia
Only Because They’re Cutting Off My Vocal Cords
Young guy: Oh, whatever, we all know you have short, stubby legs.
Young woman: That’s not what you say when they’re around your neck.
–Citrus Bar & Grill
Wednesday Puts Its One-Liners on One Leg at a Time
Guy on cell: In a wig, with his pants down, watching her from his car.
–33rd St, Astoria
Overheard by: Ferna
Teen to another: Barack Obama said, “pull your pants up!”
–Broadway & 72nd St
NYU girl: I wanna do it, and I wanna do it in my pants box.
–Weinstein Hall, NYU
Border’s employee to man sleeping in chair: Sir, could you please wake up? …and also zip up your pants.
–Borders
Guy on phone: Well, I guess I thought you might be kind of gay after you invited me to that “no pants” party.
–Astoria
Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!
–NYU
