Archive for the ‘Hand-Jobs’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Won’t Re­mem­ber This To­mor­row

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls for­ward, taps stranger on fore­head.] her­ro! Any­body home?! [laughs hys­ter­i­cal­ly].

–Metro North

Drunk chick: Fuck tech­nol­o­gy, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!

–A Train

Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fin­gered me in the cab!

–A Train

Drunk prep­py busi­ness­man: Just tell her to put the oil in the noo­dles and rub it all over the chest…

–33rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: volup­tuous­grl

Drunk girl in the bath­room, pick­ing up plas­tic bag from the garbage: Whose ba­by is this?!?!

–Madi­son Square Gar­den Bath­room

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Clean Every­thing Up Be­fore Their Par­ents Get Back

Black woman in trashy out­fit: And he said “But the par­ty just start­ed, bitch, I’ll take you in a few hours!” and I was like, “Nig­ga please! My wa­ter just broke!”

–Low­er East Side

Asian bim­bo on cell: I just spoke to Per­cy and al­leged­ly they threw a par­ty af­ter we were fired, to cel­e­brate us get­ting fired…but we’re peo­ple too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Over­heard by: must not have liked you

Hip­ster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the co­bra snake at a par­ty, with a cig in my hand and Paul* be­tween my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Over­heard by: Dayn

Tat­tooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I’m bring­ing a 250-foot Slip ‘N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Over­heard by: can I come to that par­ty?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why did­n’t you in­vite to your par­ty? Damn…c’mon! Re­mem­ber that time the chick in a wheel­chair was work­ing us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheel­chair! Re­mem­ber we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That’s right–that was me! She was giv­ing us both head.

–BBQ Re­stroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-some­thing woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a hand­job?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Jazz

Who’ll Have the Last Laugh When the Mes­si­ah Pops Out?

Girl­friend: I’m not feel­ing so good.
Boyfriend: Why? What’s wrong?
Girl­friend: I feel queasy and dizzy.
Boyfriend: What if you were preg­nant?
Girl­friend: By what? Im­mac­u­late con­cep­tion? Or your fin­ger?

–13th St & 4th Ave

Over­heard by: Bis­cuit-lover

I’m Start­ing to Care That the Girl Has an Or­gasm

Girl #1: So wait… You have trou­ble or­gas­ming?
Girl #2: Yes! It’s like im­pos­si­ble for me to come through sex alone.
Girl #1: But fin­ger­ing and oral works?
Girl #2: Well, yeah.
Girl #1 to guy friend: How ya hang­ing in there, Matt?
Matt: I need to start hang­ing out with more guys.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: Bruce Lee

You Put That in Your Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Woman, to friend: he was so ex­cit­ed, I thought his butt plug was go­ing to shoot out of his ass.

–Spring Street and 6th St

Over­heard by: Sarah O.

Dude in fur coat and con­struc­tion boots: My mom asked me if I had a ra­zor in my butt…

–Down­town ‘1’ Train

Hus­band to wife:
I can’t be­lieve you just put your fin­ger up my butt hole!

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: boni­fa­cia

Trans­ves­tite pros­ti­tute: I just got off my sec­ond and last date tonight… Man paid me 4 bills to stick my fin­gers in his booty.

–Meat-pack­ing Dis­trict

Over­heard by: Erin

Guy on cell: you have to get drunk enough not to puke, but enough to take the piece of glass in­to your ass!

–Bleek­er & Bar­row

Over­heard by: ivy270

Guy on cell phone pass­ing by: nor­mal­ly when you say that, my ass­hole starts puck­er­ing!

–Union Square