Archive for the ‘Handicaps’ Category

Peo­ple Who Should­n’t Go to Japan

Av­er­age Joe: Short peo­ple are in­suf­fer­able!
Short­er friend: Tell me about it!

–Bleeck­er St & Carmine St

Over­heard by: Lezbotron

Head­line by: Jane

Run­ners-Up:
· “…And They Have Lim­it­ed Vo­cab­u­lar­ies and Will Agree With Any­thing” — Bob
· “I Thought I Just Did.” — Katie
· “That Scene From “The Wiz­ard Of Oz” Was Like Hell on Earth!” — space coy­ote
· “To Be Fair, He Did Re­ply in That High-Pitched Cack­le” — Ken­neth
· “Tom Cruise Is Re­fresh­ing­ly Self-Aware” — Meg

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-lin­ers

A chick push­ing an old woman in a wheel­chair says: Just let me know when you get tired of walk­ing.

–59th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Christo­pher

Queer: I can’t be­lieve she said I was a liar. Sure I make ran­dom stuff up, but I’m not a liar.

–West 4th & broad­way

Over­heard by: Mr­Robin­son

Hobo: All right fine, you win, I guess I do wish they were shit­ty pi­lots.

–6th Av­enue & 9th Street

Democ­ra­cy Clears Does­n’t Work; Back to Monar­chy?

Wheeltard: Round here I’m just an id­iot, but not in Brook­lyn. I’m king in my neigh­bor­hood. When I cross that bridge and they see me comin’, they know I’m king.

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: Alex Ro­manovich

Girl: I don’t know who she thinks she is, but just be­cause she’s got can­cer does­n’t make her Queen Bitch.

–Bleeck­er & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Tony

NYC Rules Re­quire at Least One Per­son to Drop the F‑Bomb

Hot hip­pie chick: Ex­cuse me, you need a hand?
Old blind man: Nah, I’m just get­ting to the n train. Thanks so much, though!
Hot hip­pie chick: Al­right, you have a great day!
Blind man: Same to you!
Over­look­ing suit to friend: Nice New Yorkers…they just blow my mind.

–Union Square Sub­way Sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Clean Every­thing Up Be­fore Their Par­ents Get Back

Black woman in trashy out­fit: And he said “But the par­ty just start­ed, bitch, I’ll take you in a few hours!” and I was like, “Nig­ga please! My wa­ter just broke!”

–Low­er East Side

Asian bim­bo on cell: I just spoke to Per­cy and al­leged­ly they threw a par­ty af­ter we were fired, to cel­e­brate us get­ting fired…but we’re peo­ple too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Over­heard by: must not have liked you

Hip­ster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the co­bra snake at a par­ty, with a cig in my hand and Paul* be­tween my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Over­heard by: Dayn

Tat­tooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I’m bring­ing a 250-foot Slip ‘N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Over­heard by: can I come to that par­ty?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why did­n’t you in­vite to your par­ty? Damn…c’mon! Re­mem­ber that time the chick in a wheel­chair was work­ing us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheel­chair! Re­mem­ber we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That’s right–that was me! She was giv­ing us both head.

–BBQ Re­stroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-some­thing woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a hand­job?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Jazz

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Looked Bet­ter in the Pre­views

Husky un­shaved guy to younger girl­friend: You mean you nev­er saw An­i­mal House? You’re not hu­man!

–Low­er West Side

Thug to an­oth­er: Jab­ba the Hutt? That’s like some Tony So­pra­no shit, nig­ga. And the spices? That’s drugs. Star Wars drugs!

–13th St & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Jaimie

Girl to friends: My Eng­lish teacher said Pre­cious is “whack.”

–City Cin­e­mas, E 86th St

Stuffy Bul­gar­i­an pro­fes­sor: Do you guys know the film Soul Plane? It’s very fun­ny, right?

–NYU

Over­heard by: re­al­ly glad I got up be­fore 9:30 for this

Girl on cell: Yeah, af­ter that movie, I’m gonna think all adopt­ed kids are evil dwarfs with a hor­mone im­bal­ance.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle