Archive for the ‘Handicaps’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Strike Hard and Fade Away With­out a Trace

Un­der­grad: Nin­jas, see. You can’t creep up on them. You can’t creep up on them be­cause ac­tu­al­ly they’re creep­ing up on you. And the per­son you’re creep­ing up on is ac­tu­al­ly a men­di­cant.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: pump­kin

Teen girl to friend: No one knows about Stat­en Is­land. It’s like the nin­ja is­land.

–Notre Dame Acad­e­my, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Green Star

Young la­dy suit on cell: Want to know what I learned to­day? Okay, you know how I re­al­ly hate those rolling brief­cas­es be­cause they fuck­ing nin­ja you while you’re walk­ing? Well, to­day I learned that it’s re­al­ly hard to be an­gry about a rolling brief­case when it’s be­ing pulled by a gen­uine midget. It’s like watch­ing a pony pull a cart. It’s adorable!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: she was­n’t too tall her­self…

Geeky girl: They should re­al­ly make a video game about a nin­ja do­ing the dish­es. That shit would be dope.

–Flat­iron Dis­trict

You’ll Un­der­stand When You Have Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fraz­zled moth­er to young child: Hur­ry. Hur­ry. Look, the mon­ster is go­ing to get you if you don’t walk faster!

–Queens Mall

Moth­er to small child: If you eat your two pieces of chick­en, I’ll give you a raisin.

–Col­lege Point Shop­ping Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Yese­nia

Mom speak­ing to son: Sweet­ie, do I look like a egg­beat­er?

–Wa­ter­side Plaza

Woman on bus to child with large hear­ing aid: Sit down prop­er­ly! Are you lis­ten­ing to me?

–M23 Bus

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Moth­er to whiny tod­dler: I can’t lis­ten to you any­more! I fear for both of us.

–15th St & Uni­ver­si­ty Place

Over­heard by: Sarah M.

Ash­lee Fi­nal­ly Lets Jes­si­ca Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever won­dered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but some­times I won­der if you are slight­ly re­tard­ed.
Head­line by: Dom­Car

Run­ners-Up:
· “And some­where, at that mo­ment, a tiny dis­crim­i­na­tion law­suit was be­ing filed” — Marc
· “Awwww! Thanks! You said slight­ly!” — Emi­ly
· “Be­ing sexy is­n’t nec­es­sary when your face if even with most peo­ple’s crotch­es” — the­Vixen­Ni­cole
· “Both prob­lems are an un­for­tu­nate re­sult of ge­net­ics.” — Aaron Stephen­son
· “But, like, sex­i­ly so?” — Tom Dorey
· “By the end of the yel­low brick road, the Tin Man was hun­gry, tired, and BIT-CHY!” — Alis­sa
· “Come­backs for when you are se­cret­ly in love with a midget.” — John
· “Hap­pi­ly, I Have a Fetish for Both” — an­tho­ny fiore
· “It’s Sexy Be­cause It’s Like Hav­ing Sex With Kids, But They’re Le­gal!” — Bored Be­yond Be­lief
· “She’s ob­vi­ous­ly nev­er seen Wiz­ard of Oz, that is ALL sex ap­peal” — Ke­vo
· “Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you” — tid­dly­winks
· “The Sexy Midget Union, rec­og­niz­ing re­tar­da­tion as a hand­i­cap, will not sue.” — Ex­tra Char­ac­ter
· “The ‘My se­cret is: I’m mar­ry­ing a dwarf’ de­odor­ant ad — first take” — Aman­da
· “There Are Sexy Midgets, You Prob­a­bly Just Over­looked Them!” — Hobo Whis­per­er
· “They Pre­fer the Term “Erot­i­cal­ly Chal­lenged Lit­tle Peo­ple”” — Shep­cat
· “Yel­low fever: Love of Asians. Small­pox: Love of midgets. Down Syn­drome: That girl.” — er­ak
· “Yes, but I look good in a ted­dy AND can reach the top shelf” — Vil­le­len
· “You Don’t Need to Be So Short With Me” — Matthew K John­son

Hon­or­able men­tions:
· “But can slight­ly re­tard­ed be sexy?” — Vir­ginia Wood
· “If she were ful­ly re­tard­ed, she’d be bang­ing all the un­sexy midgets.” — AJ
· “So all those in­ter­net porn sites are wrong?” — Graz
· “The Sexy Ones Would­n’t Want to Sleep with you Any­way” — Ian
· “The new MMILF: Men­tal Midgets I’d Like to F***” — Pe­ter Park­er

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

We Pre­fer to Think of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers as “Found Art”

Girl on cell: So I bought this air con­di­tion­er for my liv­ing room, and it’s en­tire­ly too large for me to in­stall by my­self, be­cause it weighs 78 lbs. No, se­ri­ous­ly, I can­not even get it out of the box. I know–for the time be­ing I’m just re­fer­ring to it as a Duchamp “ready­made.” Ew! Don’t you call me bo­hemi­an!

–19th & 6th

Art pro­fes­sor: You should look at Pi­cas­so and Ma­tisse. These peo­ple will be more im­por­tant to you than your fam­i­ly. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he’s dead now.

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Over­heard by: traPt

Lawyer to friend, about Vin­cent van Gogh: You know, I could have got­ten him dis­abil­i­ty.

–Van Gogh Ex­hib­it, Mo­MA

Woman, dis­cussing gallery: It was all mod­ern stuff–but not, like, the kind of mod­ern art that chil­dren can do.

–20th & 5th

Tourist boy: You can see his pe­nis! It’s not art if you can see his pe­nis!

–Petrie Court, Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

There Are No Small Wednes­days– On­ly Small One-Lin­ers.

Girl on cell, de­fi­ant­ly: Lis­ten, I can keep my midget in your clos­et when­ev­er I damn please!

–72nd & Colum­bus

Man hand­ing out cards to ran­dom passers-by: They have midget strip­pers, bud­dy, and you can bring your gui­tar!

–42nd & 7th

Over­heard by: Katy

Guy, to friend: You can’t call your­self a grown man if you sit down and your feet dan­gle off the chair.

–Vic­to­ri­a’s Se­cret

Over­heard by: Emm

Black guy push­ing cart: Man, I miss my two-head­ed midget friend… He was my best man.

–Union Square

Woman on cell: Have I been an an­gry lit­tle munchkin?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: TheMac

Wednes­day How Many Lin­ers?

Cute guy to Ger­man flight at­ten­dant on lay­over: So, do you have cars in Ger­many?

–Bar­racu­da

Over­heard by: bar­keep­er

Girl: So, my mom is Jew­ish and my dad is Chris­t­ian. Does that make me, like, bi-racial?

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Still ashamed I go to school here

His­pan­ic high school girl: Is the Fourth of Ju­ly al­ways on a Fri­day?

–N Train

Over­heard by: D‑Law

Guy to friend: Well, that’s nice, they have these ma­chines set up for the vi­su­al­ly im­paired, but what about the deaf peo­ple?

–ATM, 38th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: jen­ny­ooooo

Stu­dent: Is Swedish even a lan­guage?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Truck­er: What are you, stu­pid, or both?

–M86 Crosstown Bus

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Click “It’s Com­pli­cat­ed”

Chick: It’s about your cy­ber per­son­al­i­ty, and if your cy­ber per­son­al­i­ty does­n’t want to be in a re­la­tion­ship with me on Face­book, that’s okay!

–NYU Hay­den Stair­case

Co­ed: I don’t know… if Sh­eryl* with the two kids by the two dif­fer­ent ba­by-dad­dies can have a good My­Space, I think pret­ty much any­one should be able to do it.

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: Im­mac­u­latePiz­za

Hip­ster girl: It looks like My­Space ex­plod­ed in there!

–The Knit­ting Fac­to­ry, 74 Leonard St

Over­heard by: Cassie

20-some­thing girl: So, the quad­ri­pleg­ic I hooked up with added me as a friend on Face­book last night.

–Chipo­tle, 51st & 8th

Geek prophet: No one is ever away from Google, re­al­ly.

–Near Hol­land Tun­nel

Over­heard by: Claire H.

An­gry chick, to boyfriend: Look, I’m not chang­ing my Face­book sta­tus!

–6th & Ave A

Over­heard by: Kremil­yse

30-ish woman: I said I would­n’t date him ’til he gets rid of the ty­pos on his My­Space pro­file… Am I a snob?

–Tom’s Din­er, Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: ball-and-vein­ing tool

“I mean, he’s not Christo­pher Reeve fun­ny.”

Girl #1: I used to throw these re­al­ly great par­ties and I in­vit­ed this para­plegic guy who liked to do com­e­dy rou­tines. So he start­ed his rou­tine, and this fat la­dy runs up and starts grab­bing his ass–
Girl #2: Was he fun­ny?
Girl #1: Well, I don’t know, you know? He was just get­ting warmed up, and he kin­da lost his flow when this woman start­ed grab­bing his ass and he could­n’t re­al­ly stop her…I guess he was sort of fun­ny.

–7th & Leroy