Archive for the ‘Headline Contest Winners’ Category

You’ll Nev­er Be the Man Your Moth­er Was.

Girl­friend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don’t want to be gay! I just wan­na be a woman.

–Hous­ton & Lafayette

Head­line by: Paul S

Run­ners-Up:

· “ ‘Cause surgery is eas­i­er than com­ing out” — Becky

· “Be All You Can’t Be” — Mike D

· “Cant have a man-made pussy and eat it, too” — N. Del­wood

· “Ca­reer day coun­selors nev­er know what to ex­pect” — pe­ter

· “It’s all pil­low fights and boo­bies ’til you start PM­S­ing.” — mthy

· “Michael Jack­son’s Cos­met­ic Surgery Con­sul­ta­tion Gets Hos­tile” — kane, okc

· “The long-await­ed yet unan­ticipt­ed an­swer to ‘Tell me what you want, what you re­al­ly, re­al­ly want’ ” — cinekat

· “Tran­sex­u­al does not a ho­mo­sex­u­al make” — i like men too

· “Vagi­nas: The Con­so­la­tion Prize” — sh

· “Your Phan­tom Limb Will Still Want To Stem The Rose” — el­robinder


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Par­ty!

Con­cerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of get­tin’ like, an STD or some­thing? Don’t you use con­doms?
Con­fused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we did­n’t. I mean, he’s been com­ing in­side me for like a year now and noth­in’ ever hap­pened. (points to bel­ly, im­ply­ing she’s preg­nant)
Con­cerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Con­fused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16–almost 17.
Con­cerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wan­na go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Con­fused teen girl: I’ll take my ba­by with me!

–E Train

Head­line by: Er­i­ca Neu­mann

Run­ners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Sin­gle Non-Palin Head­line on This One” — two­fer­rets
· “Ju No What I’m Talk­ing About?” — Bar­ry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Per­cent Jägermeister…” — Who Does­n’t Love A Drunk­en In­fant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bris­tol Palin Joke Here Some­where…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those El­mo Back­packs?” — All by my­self.

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Judge Us by the Hot­dogs in Our Hands and the Beer Spout­ing From Our Hats

Chick leav­ing bar to friend: That’s it, I have giv­en up on New York men!
Guy in Yan­kees shirt: Hey! Don’t judge us by guys from Queens.

–Bo­hemi­an Beer Gar­den, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Mike H

Head­line by: Nico­la

Run­ners-Up:
· “…but by Our Slick Taste in T‑Shirts!” — Ijudgey­ou
· “His Ar­gu­ment Would Car­ry More Weight If He Was­n’t Pee­ing Against a Brick Wall at the Time” — James
· “It’s Like Judg­ing Amer­i­cans by George Bush” — Al­li­son
· “Just by Guys Who Hang Out in Queens” — From Brook­lyn
· “Oth­er­wise You’d All Be Les­bians” — Katie Dar­ling
· “There Are Four More Bor­oughs Wait­ing to Dis­ap­point You” — An­gusM

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

In the 70s They Called That a ‘Nose Job’.

JAP: I did the whole Manhattan/Long Island/Westchester Jew thing this year.
Guy: How’d that work out?
JAP: I think I’m go­ing to cut that phase in my life.

–NYU

Over­heard by: A. Pin­cus

Head­line by: Still got my orig­i­nal nose.

Run­ners-Up:
· “By Which I Mean the In­side Of My Thigh” — Tadzio
· “I Re­al­ized I Can Keep the Sense Of En­ti­tle­ment With­out All That Ex­tra Work.” — stooby­doo
· “I Think Hitler Tried That Al­ready.…” — Sarah Booz
· “I’ll Tell the Guy Who’s Ghost-Writ­ing My Au­to­bi­og­ra­phy Lat­er To­day” — Louis
· “JAP Code for I Was Slut­ty and Need an Abor­tion” — Ca­su­al Ob­serv­er
· “Sort Of a “Lifestyle Bris”” — Chris

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Peo­ple Who Should­n’t Go to Japan

Av­er­age Joe: Short peo­ple are in­suf­fer­able!
Short­er friend: Tell me about it!

–Bleeck­er St & Carmine St

Over­heard by: Lezbotron

Head­line by: Jane

Run­ners-Up:
· “…And They Have Lim­it­ed Vo­cab­u­lar­ies and Will Agree With Any­thing” — Bob
· “I Thought I Just Did.” — Katie
· “That Scene From “The Wiz­ard Of Oz” Was Like Hell on Earth!” — space coy­ote
· “To Be Fair, He Did Re­ply in That High-Pitched Cack­le” — Ken­neth
· “Tom Cruise Is Re­fresh­ing­ly Self-Aware” — Meg

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Rorschach Hands: the New Psy­cho­an­a­lyt­i­cal Tech­nique

Pro­fes­sor: When vas­sals would take an oath of loy­al­ty they would kneel in front of the king and put their hands like this [puts hands in prayer po­si­tion]. Now, what does this look like?
Stu­dent: A vagi­na?
Pro­fes­sor: No! Pray­ing! It looks like pray­ing!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Ma­ri­na C

Head­line by: belle

Run­ners-Up:

· “Ei­ther way, it helps to kneel.” — Lind­sey

· “From The Da Vin­ci Code’s delet­ed scenes.” — nick

· “In a re­fresh­ing move from the anus, to­day’s head­line con­test is brought to you by the vagi­na. That’s right, Over­heard in New York is wip­ing back-to-front.” — er­ak

· “Now Get Your Cock Up In This” — B.M.D.

· “Okay, maybe a LIT­TLE prayer in schools would­n’t hurt” — space coy­ote

· “Putting the Pussy on a Pedestal” — Clof


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Neg­a­tive Twen­ty ‘Hood Points Just for Know­ing the Word ‘Co­sine’

Ghet­to wannabe #1: Yo’ rhymes are so lame it’s like you took the co­sine.
Ghet­to wannabe #2: You so poor you go fishin’ for dimes.

–Wood­haven, Queens

Over­heard by: dren­dar

Head­line by: Against Marj

Run­ners-Up:

· “Bill and Hillary Pre­pare for Next Year’s Video Mu­sic Awards” — Dou­bleJ

· “Co­sine? Like from Nigganom­e­try?” — Big Lar­ry

· “E = MC Ham­mer Squared” — Christi­na

· “M.C. Tan­gent and D.J. Non-Se­quitur.” — Sand­manEsq

· “My rhymes are so hype I can di­vide by ze­ro, Burnin’ down the ghet­to like my name is Nero” — mk

· “Whitey got no al­go­rithm” — Char­lie

· “Why Pythagorus nev­er got sined.” — Julie Baber

· “Yo’ so dumb you on­ly know pi to 3.14159” — arielle


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

I Could Build a Casi­no, Then Rob It

Thug: So, if I’m half black and half Amer­i­can In­di­an, that makes me Puer­to Ri­co.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puer­to Ri­can.

–149th & 3rd, Bronx

Head­line by: Mariya

Run­ners-Up:

· “Ac­tu­al­ly, it makes you un­em­ployed” — Mr. Bone

· “Bitch, don’t be call­in’ me no ad­jec­ti­val form!” — was “rico”/“rican” the first thing you no­ticed too?

· “Do­ra the Ex­plor­er: South Bronx Edi­tion” — Scott

· “Runs With Hook­ers did­n’t ex­cel in Eth­nic Stud­ies” — bri b

· “The new the­o­ry of rel­a­tiv­i­ty” — sara swank


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

I Was Sick for Take Your Daugh­ter to Work Day.

Long Is­land girl: 42nd St is where there is lots of pros­ti­tu­tion, right?
Fe­male friend: What?
Long Is­land girl: Yeah, I thought I heard that 42nd St was where all the pros­ti­tutes were?
Fe­male friend: Ummm…that’s like Times Square. It’s a ma­jor touristy spot.
Male friend: Maybe there’s an oc­ca­sion­al strip club?
Long Is­land girl: Oh my god, I re­al­ly want to go to a strip club–I’ve nev­er been to one be­fore!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Amused

Head­line by: 1310 (for­mer­ly SNA)

Run­ners-Up:
· “As the Eco­nom­ic Cri­sis Wors­ens, Margie Be­comes In­creas­ing­ly Des­per­ate for a Job.” — Car­la
· “I Thought Mass Tourism WAS Whor­ing Your­self Out ?” — Cass
· “If Par­ents Don’t Have the Sex In­dus­try Talk, Some­one Else Will” — space coy­ote
· “Long Is­landers and Tourists Have Be­come One.” — Fres­ca
· “That’s How They Get New Re­cruits” — Skw­erl!

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Lit­tle Did He Know Her Cred­it Came With Ze­ro In­ter­est

His­pan­ic guy, not­ing hot chick passer­by: Hey, ba­by.
Hot chick: (rolls eyes)
His­pan­ic guy: (takes off shirt and puts it on the ground for her to walk over)
Hot chick, stop­ping: I’ll give you some cred­it for that one…but fuck off. (con­tin­ues walk­ing)

–50th & 9th

Over­heard by: passer­by

Head­line by: ddv

Run­ners-Up:
· “A Drama­ti­za­tion Of Citibank’s Cred­it Pro­to­col” — No­Cre­d­it
· “But…I Would Have Tak­en You to 4th Meal!” — Mad­dy
· “How Many Cred­its Do I Need to Save Up For a Blowjob?” — mark
· “It Was a Bad Day To For­get That He Was Wear­ing a Sports Bra” — Nick Pol­lot­ta
· “Matthew Mc­Conaugh­ey Fi­nal­ly Gets Some Cred.…” — Rain­danceRichard
· “Next Time He Won’t Give a Shirt” — Sim Etrias
· “Raleigh Gets the Old “Fuck Ye” From Eliz­a­beth Yet Again” — Lau­reen

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test