Archive for the ‘Health and Hygiene’ Category

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Lunch Hour

Wedne­say One-lin­ers, The End

Frat­boy: They’re go­ing to tear that build­ing down, be­cause it’s se­ri­ous­ly de­crap­i­tat­ed. I mean, just to­tal­ly de­crap­i­tat­ed.

–BAM Cin­e­matek

Girl on cell: He’s go­ing to hell and I don’t even care. He’s go­ing to die and I’m fine with it.

–Hous­ton & 1st Ave.

Guy: My mom was go­ing through menopause, and I could to­tal­ly re­late.

–Lafayette & 3rd St.

Over­heard by: Tedd

I Run the Hobo Gaunt­let Every Day

Yup­pie girl: I need to get an ex­fo­liant. You know that weird rough patch on my face?
Yup­pie guy: Yeah.
Yup­pie girl: I had it for a few weeks and just re­al­ized it was dead skin cells.
Yup­pie guy: Ew.
Yup­pie girl: Yeah, I just thought it was dried spit.

–Whole Foods check-out line, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: bathed and ex­fo­li­at­ed dai­ly

We Call Our Act “The Aris­to­crats”

Four-year-old kid, pick­ing nose: Mom! Mom! [Kid holds out booger.]Mom: Where the fuck did you get that? Your nose? What the fuck do I want that for?
Four-year-old kid: Um­mm…
Mom: That’s fuck­ing gross! Drop that shit! [Mom grabs kid’s wrist and shakes vig­or­ous­ly un­til booger is dropped.] Now, give me a chip! [Kid gives mom a chip with booger hand.]

–A train

Over­heard by: Adam Tet­zloff

If My Heart Made Blood I Would­n’t Need to Buy Pup­pies

Store guy: You know, I used to smoke 2–3 packs a day. It’s re­al­ly not good for you.
Dude: Are you gonna give me a dis­count on Nicorette, then?
Store guy: We don’t have it…but you don’t need that stuff any­way. It does­n’t work. All you re­al­ly need is your–

He taps his hand on his chest.

Dude: If my heart made nico­tine I would­n’t need to buy cig­a­rettes.

–Du­ane Reade, 49th & 9th

Over­heard by: Katie

At Least Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Pret­ty

Girl to friend: I won­der what’s the dif­fer­ence be­tween hard tacos and soft tacos.

–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court

Over­heard by: NTA

Guy talk­ing to his friend: I don’t be­lieve there is a first time for every­thing, but I do think there is a first time for any­thing.

–2nd St & Ave B

Over­heard by: Max Berlinger

Girl on cell in hall­way: She told me to get bac­te­r­i­al soap.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Rose Hill

Over­heard by: Kriszti­na ‚who us­es an­ti-bac­te­r­i­al

Sub­way co­me­di­an: My wife is so stu­pid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awk­ward si­lence fol­lows. Co­me­di­an pro­ceeds to dance around a sub­way pole pre­tend­ing to be a strip­per.]

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Sub­way rid­er

Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop do­ing this “liv­ing pay­check to pay­check” thing be­cause every time you get a check it’s like an emo­tion­al high­way.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ali­na

Col­lege girl, af­ter clos­ing a Nutel­la jar: I solved it! I solved the puz­zle!

–Broome St

Over­heard by: YJL