Archive for the ‘Height’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Thir­teen-Year-Old in Every­one

Girl to friend: When­ev­er I get a re­al­ly big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apart­ment Build­ing, Mid­town

Girl: And the doc­tor asked if she’d gone down on any­one late­ly, and she said “yeah, and when I was do­ing it, all these lit­tle bumps kept falling off in my mouth,” and the doc­tor said “you have gen­i­tal warts in your throat.”

–L Train

Over­heard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all in­to his friend’s mouth. We were dry heav­ing. But every­one just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Over­heard by: An­gela

Pre­teen boy on cell: (belch­es) Huh? (belch­es again, loud­ly) What did you say? I can’t hear you, I’m burp­ing.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, “don’t send her choco­late, it makes mu­cus.”

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Fred Daubert

We Can Spot Fake Wednes­day One-Lin­ers a Mile Away

Ex­as­per­at­ed woman on phone: It’s a phone in­ter­view! What does it mat­ter what type of boobs I have?

–Of­fice Build­ing, 32nd & 7th

Over­heard by: erkala

Girl, af­ter guy ac­ci­den­tal­ly hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeez­ing them, not hit­ting them!

–Toys R’ Us, Times Square

Over­heard by: Lotte

Up­per West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It com­plete­ly ru­ins that skirt for me.

–Canal Street

Hobo: But I don’t want to love my breasts!

–Ave B

Man on cell: So you’re com­ing to New York? That’s good. I called your moth­er, she said you’re stay­ing with some girl with big tits tonight.

–West 4th Street

Guy to an­oth­er, while at lunch: I don’t care if you think I live too fast and I’ll be dead at 45. At least I’ll die with a tit­tie in my mouth!

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: sal b

How Many Weight Watch­ers Points Are in a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Young man: You’re fat be­cause you need to re­lease. Look at me, that’s why I’m slim and sexy. I beat off every day.

–Prospect Heights, Brook­lyn

Sales­girl to sales­girl friend: I wan­na thank you for tak­ing the time to re­peat­ed­ly hit me in my arm fat and make it jig­gle.

–Hen­ri Ben­del

Over­heard by: Stephan Dion

Pro­fes­sor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around class­room and no­tices there are some fat girls) …most­ly.

–Fash­ion In­sti­tute of Tech­nol­o­gy

Suit to an­oth­er: All I’m try­ing to say is, she’s not tall enough for her weight.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: ed­napon­tel­li­er

Black girl: Fat peo­ple can do splits be­cause they have no bones.

–Piz­za Place, St. Mark’s Place

Five-year-old to very over­weight man while wait­ing for Thanks­giv­ing Day pa­rade: Are you one of the bal­loons?

–Broad­way & 50th St

Over­heard by: Pe­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Ain’t Got the Mon­ey, Hon­ey

Old­er man, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: That’s why I keep my in­come low, so no one jumps me.

–Myr­tle & Clin­ton, Brook­lyn

Woman with scratch-off lot­to card to friend: I won four dol­lars! I won four dol­lars! You know I can’t spend that, though. I got­ta get food for my kids. Those nig­gas be hun­gry!

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

An­gel­ic-look­ing teen girl scream­ing in­to cell: Are you com­ing to the movies with me? You’re broke? Just mug some­one on the way. Mug some­one! (pause) Mug! M‑u-g! Rhymes with “thug”!

–Cham­bers & West St

Puer­to Ri­can dude on cell: I ain’t got no mon­ey. I got weed, but I ain’t got no mon­ey.

–25th St & 7th Ave

Vil­lage la­dy: She was in fore­clo­sure be­fore it was fash­ion­able to be in fore­clo­sure.

–Bleeck­er & Mer­cer

Over­heard in Wednes­day One-Lin­er

20-some­thing dude to an­oth­er: It’s so hard to get laid in this city be­fore 11 pm!

–M‑15 Bus

Hot­tie: I am in New York City. You need to make $250,000 to live like a white per­son.

–28th & 29th

Over­heard by: A black per­son from Chica­go

20-some­thing male to fe­male: So you’d bet­ter be pre­pared. It’s like the Times Square of New York.

–16th St & Union Square

Over­heard by: An­nie B

Mid­dle-aged His­pan­ic dude to In­di­an sales­per­son: This is New York City. No­body’s gonna kill you, okay?

–Rite-Aid

Young gay man: That’s what I hate about New York City. It’s such a fuck­ing small town.

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: molls