Archive for the ‘Hipsters’ Category

A Re­al­ly Hor­ri­ble Per­son Would­n’t Have Used the Con­doms

Hip­ster #1: I can’t be­lieve you went home with that fat NYU chick last night.
Hip­ster #2: Yeah, I was out-of-my-mind drunk. But I to­tal­ly vin­di­cat­ed my­self im­me­di­ate­ly af­ter.
Hip­ster #1: Yeah?
Hip­ster #2: We must have wok­en up her hot blond suit­e­m­ate when she screamed out “Oh my God, fuck me with your gi­ant cock!“
Hip­ster #1: And how do you know?
Hip­ster #2: Be­cause af­ter­ward, she passed out, and I went out to her liv­ing room to have a smoke, and her room­mate came out in her PJs to join me for a smoke. Then I banged her on the couch.
Hip­ster #1: That’s awe­some.
Hip­ster #2: Yeah. The fun­ni­est part was, I snuck back in­to her room when she was passed out and stole some con­doms from her draw­er.
Hip­ster #1: You’re a hor­ri­ble per­son.
Hip­ster #2: I know.

–L train

Over­heard by: Slap­py McGee

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers in Smell-O-Vi­sion

Hip­ster girl: I’d rather face the stig­ma of buy­ing fem­i­nine hy­giene prod­ucts than face the stig­ma of hav­ing a stinky hoo-ha.

–13th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: agreed

Girl: Re­mem­ber Di­ana? Stinky Di­ana? She’s back, and she’s get­ting mar­ried.

–West 47th & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Pe­ter G

Chick: If I’m go­ing to play beer pong, I need to be fra­grant.

–Sam­my’s, 11th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: McF

Lit­tle boy to dad: I don’t want to go to Africa! I don’t want to smell the camels!

–5th Ave & Park Pl, Park Slope

Voice on in­ter­com: The Chil­dren’s Sec­tion is closed due to… that smell.

–NY Pub­lic Li­brary, East 96th St

Over­heard by: Di­ane

Chick: So, did you smell your toi­let pa­per?

–Mo­MA cafe

Over­heard by: Sweet­tart

But Fun­ni­ly Enough, What Re­al­ly Set her off was ‘I’m On­ly With you for the Pussy’

Hip­ster guy: So she said in a few years, she would be ready for chil­dren.
Hip­ster girl: So what did you say to her?
Hip­ster guy: I told her in a few years, I would be ready for a pup­py, or a house­plant. Or maybe a moun­tain bike.
Hip­ster girl: That was the wrong an­swer.

–As­to­ria bound N train

Over­heard by: sillyso­cial­work­er

News­Flash: Hip­ster Is Copy­cat. Film at 11

Art­sy girl: I cant be­lieve you took my idea!
Beard­ed hip­ster boy: My cat died and so I can use it my way.
Art­sy girl: But now every­one thinks it was your idea to skin the cat! And it was mine! Next thing you know, you’ll be pluck­ing the feath­ers out of birds and dip­ping them in blood!
Beard­ed hip­ster boy: Good idea, I think I will.
Art­sy girl: Cunt!

–Out­side Coop­er Union School

Over­heard by: jem­ma low­er

Help­ful­ness: A NYC Short Sto­ry

Loud, gar­bled an­nounce­ment about dis­rupt­ed rush hour ser­vice in back­ground.

Up­tight la­dy suit, smil­ing anx­ious­ly: What? What did she say?
Hip­ster: She said, ‘Gr­ble chzmglpt blgshqt skzd­bkt…’ [Con­tin­ues, ac­cu­rate­ly mim­ic­k­ing en­tire gar­bled announcement.]Uptight la­dy suit, dis­turbed: Oh.

–IRT Sta­tion, 110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Christo­pher Stone

Ego & Hubris & Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Drunk girl: Some­times, when I look at my­self through the mi­cro­scope of cold, hard ob­jec­tiv­i­ty, I think to my­self, “God, you are awe­some!”

–47th & 9th

Over­heard by: Nick Sal­va­to

It Takes a Vil­lage to Braise a Child

Hip­ster girl: So, I was think­ing, would­n’t it be great if you could just eat your­self? You would nev­er gain any weight. Ac­tu­al­ly, you would lose weight like crazy be­cause it would be the best of both worlds: you would­n’t be con­sum­ing any calo­ries, and your me­tab­o­lism would­n’t slow down like it does when you just don’t eat.
Guy: Um, are you se­ri­ous?
Hip­ster girl: Yeah, I mean, it would be awe­some! Think about it: I mean, how great would it be if I could just start gnaw­ing the fat straight off my leg right now? Like, “Mmm, leg.” You know? And it would be, like, to­tal­ly calo­rie-free!
Guy: Um, not re­al­ly? That’s kind of gross and can­ni­bal­is­tic.
Hip­ster girl: What­ev­er. One day I’m gonna pub­lish a book on this shit and have, like, a cult fol­low­ing, and then you’ll be sor­ry you did­n’t think it was a good idea.

–N train