Hobo: I’m trying to get something to eat.
Suit: Well, you’re obviously not going to be that successful without having any money.
–94th & Broadway
Archive for the ‘Hobos’ Category
Night Train, Thunderbird and Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy hobo with guitar to stranger: Damn… you invited a lot of people.
–1 Train
Hobo to young married couple: I have found the promised land. Seriously. I'd get a plane ticket right now, but it'd be cheaper to go to confession for a week and then get hit by a bus. Remind me to tell you about this later.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Oliver
Grimy hobo: Hey, do you guys have any change? Hey, do you guys have any change?
(20-something girl walks past him, with businessman a few steps behind) Hey, do you guys want to have sex? Uh, I mean…
–W 3rd & Thompson
Hobo, taking donations to help the homeless, counting coins: 25…50…60… (grabs fistful of coins sticks in pocket) Tax rebate!
–Union Square
If Everybody You Meet Is a Wednesday One-Liner, Check the Mirror
Guy to friend: Yeah, Eric's an asshole, but he's like… my asshole.
–11th & Broadway
Overheard by: Z
Man on cell: I enjoy sucking the wind out of assholes.
–Brooklyn Public House
Overheard by: In fairness, the conversation was about verbal bullies
Girl: Wow, my asshole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four different bathrooms on this floor and the one up, so I wouldn't suffer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?
–Office, Midtown
Loud dude: My asshole is really fucking itchy!
–Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
Crazy hobo: Attention everyone! You're all assholes! Stupid assholes!!
–Park Row, near Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Hollister
Wednesday One-Liners Have Lost Their Group
Teenage boy tourist: Times Square is by far the coolest part of New York. It’s almost like heaven!
–Times Square
A tourist is craning his neck to photograph the Empire State Building.
New Yorker: What is he looking at?! … Oh.
–34th & 5th
Tourist: There isn’t anywhere within walking distance.
–53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Not a Clueless Tourist
Hobo, after stealing someone’s luggage: Tourists need to be more careful when they come to New York City.
–6th Ave & 23rd St
Overheard by: BOB Sled
Tourist dropping money in front of frozen female mime he’s been staring at for five minutes: That was truly incredible. Thank you so much.
–Outside MoMA
Tourist: I guess we should go to the Ground Zeroes.
–5th Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Sally Tomato
Thug: Just push them out of the way. They’re tourists, they’ll love it.
–Times Square
Overheard by: duffduff
How Brigham Young Got his Start
Bum: Hey, want to get married?
Woman holds up her ring finger and keeps walking.
Bum: Aw, you’re already married? Come on, I’ve got food stamps!
–29th & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: brian
If Anyone Has Insight, Let Him Calculate the Number
Two hobos are passing a bottle.
Woman: You can’t do that! This is a passenger train…The blood of Jesus Christ! You can’t do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!…That is the devil’s drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can’t do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?
–F train
They Even Go to the Bathroom Crazy
Hobo: Don’t you be lookin’ at my dick, motherfucker!
Homed: What?
Hobo: You look at you own dick when you takin’ a piss!
Homed: I wasn’t looking–
Hobo: Mutherfuckin’ faggot. Probably same faggot pissin’ AIDS all over everybody. Oughta put a bullet up you ass…
–Grand Central men’s room
Overheard by: john chianese
A hobo has peed on himself.
Hobo: What the fuck? Can’t a brotha go to the bathroom without all you bitches starin’ like it’s something new?
–Prospect Park
“Don't Hate Me Because I'm Wednesday One-Liner”
Hobo to female passerby (singing): Pretty woman, walking down the street/Pretty woman, eating a hamburger…
–Wendy's, Union Square
Overheard by: Hungry Bystander
Salesgirl to another: You look pretty today…for a little Filipino girl.
–American Eagle, SoHo
Overheard by: Holly
Loud hobo walking through crowded train: Lots of beautiful ladies on this train. Beautiful white ladies. Beautiful black ladies. I like her hat. (turns to one shy-looking girl) Do you wear makeup? You shouldn't. You don't need it, you are so beautiful. If you have any makeup, just throw it away. Or send it to my girl, cuz she is ugly.
–Downtown 4 Train
50-something woman to pretty 20-something girl: I just wanted you to know that our husbands over there think you are one of the most beautiful girls they have ever seen. So now our husbands are going to have sex with my friend and I tonight. They may be thinking of you during, but thanks to you I am going to have an orgasm tonight, so thank you for being so gorgeous.
–Boat Basin Cafe
Overheard by: Megan W.
Guy on iPhone: You think because you're pretty you can get away with that shit. Well, you're wrong! You can get away with that shit because you're rich!
–Duane Reade, Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
Wednesday One-Liners Remember elimiDATE Fondly
Man on cell: Yeah man, she is so not anyone that I would be willing to invest years in… I mean I don't want to have to spend my time actually working on it. I figured, hell, I kind of want to wake up next to someone a couple of days a week, so I might as well hang on through the summer. No, she has no idea…
–Columbus & 62nd St
Grad student: They have this symbiotic relationship in which he does all the eating and she does all the drinking.
–Columbia University
Woman to herself: God, I asked you for a good man; not a fucking joke!
–Spring & Hudson
Overheard by: Oscar Gamble
Firefighter to others: It's not that I have anything against commitment; I just like diversity.
–125th St Fairway
Overheard by: Just Shoppint
Man in shorts to another: I wouldn't date a girl with double vision, period.
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Dr No-Eyes
Businesswoman to hobo: If you get back in the dating scene, I'll kill you.
–Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: Homeless guy must be hung
Wednesday One-Liners from the Hobogenous Zone
Homeless lady to another: So you’re a certified drug addict, right?
–23rd & Broadway
Homeless man with bag: Ladies and Gentlemen, I have this Liz Claiborne pocketbook for sale. A 60-dollar value for 35 dollars. [Pause] I have this pocketbook for sale. A 50-dollar value and I’m selling it for only 40 dollars. [Pause] Anybody got change for a five? Ladies and Gentlemen, I got a Claiborne bag valued at 80 dollars but I’m sellin’ it for 25. Man, this is a nice bag. If you people don’t buy, I’ll just keep it for myself.
–Brooklyn-bound N train
Overheard by: Jennifer
Hobo: But I made a huge mistake, see? I spent eight dollars and 92 cents on Arm and Hammer!
–84th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex
Homeless guy: Valet service, right here! Valet service!
–Pelham Bay Station
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Hobo to hot chick: Wow! You’re the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!
–Broadway & 116th
Rapping panhandler: I accept cash, checks, food stamps, benefit cards, money orders…
–Downtown 1 train
Street bum: [To no one] I’ll be back right after these messages.
–Bleecker & Elizabeth
Overheard by: al b