Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

We Call It… The Aris­to­crats!

Moth­er #1: Yeah, Thanks­giv­ing is so crazy. I de­cid­ed long ago not to trav­el; it’s too much with the kids.
Moth­er #2: I know. I went to Cal­i­for­nia once with the kids, and it was in­sane!
Moth­er #1: We just have a nice, qui­et din­ner at home.
Moth­er #2: I know! Once, we had a pants­less Thanks­giv­ing. We all sat around the ta­ble with­out any pants on and ate din­ner. The boys were crawl­ing on the ta­ble, it was great!
Moth­er #1: Yikes…

–Av­enue of the Amer­i­c­as

They’ve Got Their ‘Good Barista / Bad Barista’ Act Down to a Sci­ence

For­eign­er: Ex­cusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 hold­ing steamed milk: No. You or­dered a Doppio. You don’t get no milk in a Doppio.
For­eign­er, hold­ing drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don’t get no fuckin’ milk! Or­der a fuckin’ lat­te, and then I’ll give you some of this milk! You can pour your­self some of that stale shit from over there, but you don’t get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the cus­tomer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain’t Valen­tine’s Day — don’t you get emo­tion­al. It’s some oth­er hol­i­day. Hell, it’s Christ­mas. [To cus­tomer] Here you go, sir! Mer­ry Christ­mas!

–Star­bucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

If They Had Kids, There’s a Fifth Op­tion

Girl: Think you’ll be able to con­vince your par­ents to go see a movie or some­thing over Christ­mas?
Guy: Not a chance. My par­ents are im­pos­si­ble to mo­ti­vate to do any­thing.
Girl: Ah, I bet you could get them to at least try dur­ing the hol­i­days.
Guy: I’m not kidding…They are com­plete­ly ex­haust­ed by eat­ing, sleep­ing, shit­ting, and work­ing. That’s all they have en­er­gy for.

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: BBW

What’s More Amer­i­can Than Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Amer­i­cans don’t pay their tax­es. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brook­lyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is Amer­i­ca. They makin’ ice cream every sec­ond! I don’t know what he’s com­plain­in’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christ­mas!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Tess

Ob­nox­ious black guy to an­oth­er: I was watchin’ a spe­cial on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole Amer­i­ca is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Con­struc­tion work­er to an­oth­er: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a de­bate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn na­tion…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, As­to­ria, Queens

Con­duc­tor: This is the r lo­cal to Con­ti­nen­tal… For­est Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Over­heard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Hope You Had a Hap­py In­de­pen­dence Day, NY

A cou­ple watched the fire­works.

Wife: Oh my god! They was so close! I got ash­es in my hair! Ash­es in my face! They were all over the fuck­ing place!
Hus­band: Too bad they weren’t shootin’ off corned beef!

–Green­point

Over­heard by: Gurn­son­ian the Less­er

Guy: The smell of fire­works al­ways re­minds me of fuck­ing a dead hook­er.

–Mc­Car­ren Park, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Dan

Stew­ardess: To all US cit­i­zens aboard this flight, hap­py 4th of Ju­ly. We would like to thank Eng­land for di­vorc­ing us sev­er­al cen­turies ago and giv­ing us our in­de­pen­dence!

–JFK flight in­to Heathrow

Over­heard by: Jeanne Fu

Girl #1: Are you able to go on your roof to watch the Ma­cy’s fire­works?
Girl #2: I don’t even know if my build­ing has a roof.

–Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: Room 3

Girl on cell: How the hell am I sup­posed to know what time the fire­works start? Who do you think I am, Amer­i­ca?

–Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: Chris