Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It “Vay-Kay”

Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on vacation with my left hand.

–67th & Columbus

Overheard by: Meli

Teen tourist on cell: I’m on vacation — I’m allowed to be a slut!

–Times Square

Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!

–A train

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I’ll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?

–A train

Overheard by: amc

Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn’t know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents’ bathroom and peaced.

–Grand Central

Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.

–Tiffany & Co.

Wednesday One-Liners Are Retaining Sperm

20-something woman on cell: I thought I was pregnant because I was nauseous all the time, but then I realized I was just always hungover.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get pregnant for? She needed to lose some weight.

–Bowery

Hyper chick: He got me knocked up with this giant pretzel!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Pretzel Vendor

20-something girl to friend: Oh, so you're thinking because it's Memorial Day weekend you're gonna get preggers?

–Hoyt-Schermerhorn Subway Sation

Guy, about a couple who'd broken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit happens, and she got pregnant.

–Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ashley

Lady suit on cell: Well, unless you want to get me pregnant, I'm not sure I see a way around this!

–Columbus Circle

How Was Your Holiday, New York?

Guy: Did you hook up with anyone on New Year’s?
Girl: Yeah, and he’s like a prince of some country.
Guy: Heh, that’s cool I guess. Did he take you to his palace?
Girl: No, but that would’ve been cool. I’ve always wanted to touch a prince’s penis.

–6 train

Chick: So, I figured we’d ring in the new year with a three-way.

–34th & Park

Chick: There are 3 things I hate about the holidays. One, people who become assholes for no reason. Two, people who become more emotional for no reason. And three, people who are both of the above.

–86th & 2nd

Overheard by: Gwenn Levine

Wednesday One-Liners Look Terrible in Neon Orange

20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!

–Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side

Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!

–11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!

–Penn Station

Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Overheard by: MissMae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Meaghan

Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Reason for the Season

Bus driver: Just a friendly reminder, folks: it is now holiday season! Holiday shopping season! So, for those of you who insist on utilizing the crosstown bus, please remember to add six hours onto your regular travel time!

–M14D crosstown bus

Conductor: This is the A express. Forty-second Street is next. And remember: only ten shopping days left until Christmas!

–A train, 59th St

Overheard by: Call me Santa

Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christmas last year? … Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheepishly.] Well, I ain’t buying you shit this Christmas!

–1 train

Overheard by: marcusmarc

Old black dude to Salvation Army Santa: Hahaha! You ring that bell like a faggot!

–33rd & 7th

Conductor: Now would be a good time to discuss the idea of pickpockets — they’re running wild everywhere during this Christmas time! And that’s your paranoia for the day!

–F train

Santa on cell: Bro, I totally almost fucked a girl dressed as a reindeer last night.

–Ludlow St

Overheard by: ryan

Conductor: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’re all doing well. Just wanted to remind you to take all your belongings with you as you exit the train. Have a wonderful holiday… Be safe, be good, and if you can’t be good, be good-looking.

–2 train

Overheard by: apparently out of luck

He Tricked Me!

Cute girl #1: So you know how my New Year's resolution was to… keep my legs closed a little better?
Cute girl #2: Yes. I did know that. Good one.
Cute girl #1: Well, I had my first slip-up in upholding it.
Cute girl #2: But it's January 2!

–Bleecker & Bowery

Overheard by: Unimpressed, but amused