Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

We Call It… The Aristocrats!

Mother #1: Yeah, Thanksgiving is so crazy. I decided long ago not to travel; it’s too much with the kids.
Mother #2: I know. I went to California once with the kids, and it was insane!
Mother #1: We just have a nice, quiet dinner at home.
Mother #2: I know! Once, we had a pantsless Thanksgiving. We all sat around the table without any pants on and ate dinner. The boys were crawling on the table, it was great!
Mother #1: Yikes…

–Avenue of the Americas

They’ve Got Their ‘Good Barista / Bad Barista’ Act Down to a Science

Foreigner: Excusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 holding steamed milk: No. You ordered a Doppio. You don’t get no milk in a Doppio.
Foreigner, holding drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don’t get no fuckin’ milk! Order a fuckin’ latte, and then I’ll give you some of this milk! You can pour yourself some of that stale shit from over there, but you don’t get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the customer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain’t Valentine’s Day — don’t you get emotional. It’s some other holiday. Hell, it’s Christmas. [To customer] Here you go, sir! Merry Christmas!

–Starbucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

If They Had Kids, There’s a Fifth Option

Girl: Think you’ll be able to convince your parents to go see a movie or something over Christmas?
Guy: Not a chance. My parents are impossible to motivate to do anything.
Girl: Ah, I bet you could get them to at least try during the holidays.
Guy: I’m not kidding…They are completely exhausted by eating, sleeping, shitting, and working. That’s all they have energy for. 

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: BBW 

What’s More American Than Wednesday One-Liners?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don’t pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America – this is America. They makin’ ice cream every second! I don’t know what he’s complainin’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christmas!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Tess

Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin’ a special on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Astoria, Queens

Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Overheard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Hope You Had a Happy Independence Day, NY

A couple watched the fireworks.

Wife: Oh my god! They was so close! I got ashes in my hair! Ashes in my face! They were all over the fucking place!
Husband: Too bad they weren’t shootin’ off corned beef!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Gurnsonian the Lesser

Guy: The smell of fireworks always reminds me of fucking a dead hooker.

–McCarren Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Dan

Stewardess: To all US citizens aboard this flight, happy 4th of July. We would like to thank England for divorcing us several centuries ago and giving us our independence!

–JFK flight into Heathrow

Overheard by: Jeanne Fu

Girl #1: Are you able to go on your roof to watch the Macy’s fireworks?
Girl #2: I don’t even know if my building has a roof. 

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Room 3

Girl on cell: How the hell am I supposed to know what time the fireworks start? Who do you think I am, America?

–Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Chris 

Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It “Vay-Kay”

Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on vacation with my left hand.

–67th & Columbus

Overheard by: Meli

Teen tourist on cell: I’m on vacation — I’m allowed to be a slut!

–Times Square

Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2−3−4−5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!

–A train

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I’ll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t‑shirt?

–A train

Overheard by: amc

Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn’t know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents’ bathroom and peaced.

–Grand Central

Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.

–Tiffany & Co.