Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

What’s More Amer­i­can Than Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Amer­i­cans don’t pay their tax­es. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brook­lyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is Amer­i­ca. They makin’ ice cream every sec­ond! I don’t know what he’s com­plain­in’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christ­mas!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Tess

Ob­nox­ious black guy to an­oth­er: I was watchin’ a spe­cial on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole Amer­i­ca is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Con­struc­tion work­er to an­oth­er: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a de­bate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn na­tion…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, As­to­ria, Queens

Con­duc­tor: This is the r lo­cal to Con­ti­nen­tal… For­est Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Over­heard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Hope You Had a Hap­py In­de­pen­dence Day, NY

A cou­ple watched the fire­works.

Wife: Oh my god! They was so close! I got ash­es in my hair! Ash­es in my face! They were all over the fuck­ing place!
Hus­band: Too bad they weren’t shootin’ off corned beef!

–Green­point

Over­heard by: Gurn­son­ian the Less­er

Guy: The smell of fire­works al­ways re­minds me of fuck­ing a dead hook­er.

–Mc­Car­ren Park, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Dan

Stew­ardess: To all US cit­i­zens aboard this flight, hap­py 4th of Ju­ly. We would like to thank Eng­land for di­vorc­ing us sev­er­al cen­turies ago and giv­ing us our in­de­pen­dence!

–JFK flight in­to Heathrow

Over­heard by: Jeanne Fu

Girl #1: Are you able to go on your roof to watch the Ma­cy’s fire­works?
Girl #2: I don’t even know if my build­ing has a roof.

–Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: Room 3

Girl on cell: How the hell am I sup­posed to know what time the fire­works start? Who do you think I am, Amer­i­ca?

–Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: Chris

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Would Nev­er Call It “Vay-Kay”

Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on va­ca­tion with my left hand.

–67th & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Meli

Teen tourist on cell: I’m on va­ca­tion — I’m al­lowed to be a slut!

–Times Square

Trinida­di­an con­duc­tor on PA: This is Broad­way-Nas­sau/­Ful­ton Street. Trans­fer on the up­per lev­el for 2–3‑4–5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time to­mor­row, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, ha­ha­ha!

–A train

Over­heard by: Russ Wall

Con­duc­tor: Just re­mem­ber that on Sun­day, I’ll be on my way to Aca­pul­co! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see San­ta in short pants and a t‑shirt?

–A train

Over­heard by: amc

Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was ob­sessed with my ex, right? So, he to­tal­ly does­n’t know this, but one time when he was on va­ca­tion with his fam­i­ly, I broke in­to his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his par­ents’ bath­room and peaced.

–Grand Cen­tral

Work­er to an­oth­er: Wear some­thing non-flam­ma­ble when you go on va­ca­tion.

–Tiffany & Co.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Re­tain­ing Sperm

20-some­thing woman on cell: I thought I was preg­nant be­cause I was nau­seous all the time, but then I re­al­ized I was just al­ways hun­gover.

–111th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get preg­nant for? She need­ed to lose some weight.

–Bow­ery

Hy­per chick: He got me knocked up with this gi­ant pret­zel!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Pret­zel Ven­dor

20-some­thing girl to friend: Oh, so you’re think­ing be­cause it’s Memo­r­i­al Day week­end you’re gonna get preg­gers?

–Hoyt-Scher­mer­horn Sub­way Sa­tion

Guy, about a cou­ple who’d bro­ken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit hap­pens, and she got preg­nant.

–Bed-Stuy, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Ash­ley

La­dy suit on cell: Well, un­less you want to get me preg­nant, I’m not sure I see a way around this!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

How Was Your Hol­i­day, New York?

Guy: Did you hook up with any­one on New Year’s?
Girl: Yeah, and he’s like a prince of some coun­try.
Guy: Heh, that’s cool I guess. Did he take you to his palace?
Girl: No, but that would’ve been cool. I’ve al­ways want­ed to touch a prince’s pe­nis.

–6 train

Chick: So, I fig­ured we’d ring in the new year with a three-way.

–34th & Park

Chick: There are 3 things I hate about the hol­i­days. One, peo­ple who be­come ass­holes for no rea­son. Two, peo­ple who be­come more emo­tion­al for no rea­son. And three, peo­ple who are both of the above.

–86th & 2nd

Over­heard by: Gwenn Levine

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Look Ter­ri­ble in Neon Or­ange

20-some­thing woman to man: You’ve nev­er been ar­rest­ed? I have nev­er met any­one that has not been ar­rest­ed!

–Le Char­lot Restau­rant, Up­per East Side

An­gry guy on cell: If you ever send e‑mail to my fam­i­ly again, I will wait out­side your apart­ment door! (pause) I got ar­rest­ed! I spent Thanks­giv­ing in jail!

–11th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Mis­sPinkKate

Man in US Cor­rec­tion­al Ser­vices jack­et to an­oth­er look­ing around hec­ti­cal­ly in a large crowd: Make sure we don’t lose him!

–Penn Sta­tion

Chub­by well-dressed black dude to skin­ny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Over­heard by: Miss­Mae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she’s like a young girl, and she’s dri­ving me nuts. It’s like al­ways a fight with her. I mean, she’s so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she’s a sweet­heart. I mean, she’s a good girl. So young. Like, we’ve been to­geth­er for 7 months and that ain’t noth­ing to me, but to her it’s a big deal. And I’m all like, shit, I’ve been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don’t know what she’s bitch­ing about. I don’t need her to make me mis­er­able. I can make my­self mis­er­able.

–Metro-North Train

Over­heard by: Meaghan

Fran Dresch­er sound-alike: What’s wrong with you? Don’t ap­plaud, I’m go­ing to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mull­ber­ry Street

Over­heard by: Adam Nathan

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are the Rea­son for the Sea­son

Bus dri­ver: Just a friend­ly re­minder, folks: it is now hol­i­day sea­son! Hol­i­day shop­ping sea­son! So, for those of you who in­sist on uti­liz­ing the crosstown bus, please re­mem­ber to add six hours on­to your reg­u­lar trav­el time!

–M14D crosstown bus

Con­duc­tor: This is the A ex­press. Forty-sec­ond Street is next. And re­mem­ber: on­ly ten shop­ping days left un­til Christ­mas!

–A train, 59th St

Over­heard by: Call me San­ta

Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christ­mas last year? … Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheep­ish­ly.] Well, I ain’t buy­ing you shit this Christ­mas!

–1 train

Over­heard by: mar­cus­marc

Old black dude to Sal­va­tion Army San­ta: Ha­ha­ha! You ring that bell like a fag­got!

–33rd & 7th

Con­duc­tor: Now would be a good time to dis­cuss the idea of pick­pock­ets — they’re run­ning wild every­where dur­ing this Christ­mas time! And that’s your para­noia for the day!

–F train

San­ta on cell: Bro, I to­tal­ly al­most fucked a girl dressed as a rein­deer last night.

–Lud­low St

Over­heard by: ryan

Con­duc­tor: Good morn­ing, ladies and gen­tle­men. I hope you’re all do­ing well. Just want­ed to re­mind you to take all your be­long­ings with you as you ex­it the train. Have a won­der­ful hol­i­day… Be safe, be good, and if you can’t be good, be good-look­ing.

–2 train

Over­heard by: ap­par­ent­ly out of luck