Archive for the ‘Homeless’ Category

He Hates Sweep­ing Up Shat­tered Eth­nic Stereo­types

Old Jew­ish man: My door­man does­n’t like me.
Younger re­tired Jew­ish man with dog: Why?
Old Jew­ish man: If I told you, you would­n’t be­lieve it. I had a bunch of news­pa­pers I had to throw out, but I had to put them in the re­cy­cling bin. So I was open­ing it up when a black woman said to me, “aw, sir, you don’t have to go through the garbage!” and she gave me twen­ty dol­lars!
Younger re­tired Jew­ish man with dog: You did­n’t keep it, did you?
Old Jew­ish man: She dashed away down the stairs! I had to.
Younger re­tired Jew­ish man with dog: And the door­man saw that?
Old Jew­ish man: Uh-huh.

–Chase Bank, Queens Blvd

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Dropped Out of Lamaze

Girl: And it’s, like, strike two. You’re to­tal­ly not get­ting a ba­by gift when I find out you’re preg­gers on Face­book.

–M23 bus

Suit on cell: My dad was mak­ing out with the nurse while I was be­ing born…

–Ful­ton St

Over­heard by: Miss Rach

Home­less la­dy: God’s preg­nant! He wants the city dead! God’s preg­nant!

–46th St & 5th Ave

Young boy pump­ing arms at sides and thrust­ing pelvis: Fer­til­ize me!

–Star­bucks

You Ghet­to-of-the-Ivy-League Pos­er

Co­lum­bia stu­dent: Do you go to NYU?
NYU stu­dent: Yes, how did you know?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I could tell by your dirty shoes. NYU gets their stu­dents from the home­less shel­ter.
NYU stu­dent: Ex­cuse me?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I’m your biggest en­e­my.
NYU stu­dent: What?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I go to Co­lum­bia.
NYU stu­dent: Can you leave me alone?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: Coop­er Union Stu­dent

Call­ing Me on My Trans­par­ent Scam Like That

Home­less man to pas­sen­gers: If you ever have any left­over food or drinks or what­not, you can bring them to me at this ad­dress. (hands out busi­ness cards)
Suit: Umm… How’d you get the mon­ey to print out busi­ness cards?
Home­less man: Kiss my ass, give me that card back!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Chris­tine

Thank God the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Strike Is Over

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie con­trol our lives!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Poo­gins

Home­less crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twen­ties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is “Des­per­ate House­wives” on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large lati­no: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t be­lieve you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, se­ri­ous­ly bro… Well the main thing that hap­pened was Hei­di tried to apol­o­gize to LC and she was all like: “I wan­na for­get you!” I was like: “Whaaaaaat? For re­al?” It was crazy, you got­ta catch it!

–Times Square Of­fice Build­ing

Over­heard by: SU­SAN

Red­head: The “Brady Bunch” world is a world with­out urges.

–Ve­niero’s, 11th St be­tween 1st & 2nd

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred

Mus­cu­lar guy: He comes up to me talk­ing all this shit, say­ing that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangs­ta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skin­ny moth­er­fuc­ka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.

–On the Bus

Ful­some girl with bad dye job: I’m like: “I watch ‘Law and Or­der: SVU’, I’m not get­ting in your van.”

–15th be­tween 6th and 7th

Over­heard by: Dis­union­square

Aries Spears, in line for an Ash­lee Simp­son au­to­graph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a ran­dom girl’s cam­era and snaps a pic­ture of them to­geth­er and walks away.]

–Vir­gin Mo­bile Mega Store, Times Square