Archive for the ‘Illness’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers? Kinky!

300-pound girl on phone: Girl, you showed your whole booty crack? I know, he’s in­to that kinky down­town shit.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: bas­tar­do

Loud up­state girl: I think…doin’ any kin­da re­search in­ta fur­ries? You’re in trou­ble.

–Hud­son & Hous­ton

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Hoochie: I mean, you gonna hand­cuff me, then hand­cuff me. But, you know, when I got­ta go do my shit, I got­ta go.

–1st St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: ste­phie

Curly-haired girl on cell: I’ve to­tal­ly got a cold too! But I’ve al­so got bondage tape. And a cell phone ac­ti­vat­ed vi­bra­tor.

–Ouidad sa­lon

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Suit to an­oth­er, while hav­ing lunch on bench: You put duct tape on her mouth and you do it from be­hind.

–Cen­tral Park

Guy at ta­ble: You know, she’s a qual­i­ty girl, even when I was in hand­cuffs, I could tell that she was a qual­i­ty girl.

–Carnegie Deli

Over­heard by: Spazz

Tell You What. You Can Do It In­side If You Seal Your­self in a Plas­tic Bag

Catholic school girl #1: This is to­tal­ly a third per­son sit­u­a­tion right now, but I re­al­ly think that some peo­ple are dis­crim­i­na­to­ry against smok­ers. I mean, we re­al­ly should­n’t have go out­side to smoke. What, are you go­ing to ask a girl with Touret­te’s to go spaz out­side?
Catholic school girl #2: Did you ac­tu­al­ly just com­pare smok­ing to Tourette Syn­drome?

–Con­vent of the Sa­cred Heart

Over­heard by: Over­achiev­er catholic school girl

And Wash It Down With About Half a Liter of My Train­er’s Se­men

Jacked gay guy #1: I’m feel­ing a lit­tle sick.
Jacked gay guy #2: Have you been eat­ing enough?
Jacked gay guy #1: Well…I think so?
Jacked gay guy #2: When­ev­er I feel like I’m get­ting sick, I eat a lot. I just stuff my­self like a pig. That way I’m mak­ing sure I get in all my nu­tri­ents.
Jacked gay guy #1: Oh, yeah, that’s a re­al­ly good idea!

–Saigon Grill

Over­heard by: i’ll have what they’re hav­ing…

The Joy Luck Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

20-some­thing guy on cell: I’m sure she wants to cas­trate me. (pause) Re­mem­ber her Asian friend, well… (pause) Yeah, I hit that. (pause, then un­con­trol­lable laugh) I gots the yel­low fever!

–59th St & 11th

Chi­nese broth­er to sis­ter: All Asians get off at this stop. (look­ing out win­dow) See? They’re all Asian. (pause) Oh, wait, there’s one Eng­lish guy.

–Grand Street Stop, D Train

Over­heard by: Justin W

Asian girl on cell: You know how peo­ple say all Asians look the same? Well, I re­al­ized some­thing to­day. All white peo­ple look the same to me–I hon­est­ly can’t tell them apart!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

20-some­thing Asian girl on cell, in per­fect Amer­i­can Eng­lish: So, I just got wel­comed to Amer­i­ca for the sec­ond time to­day. Are my clothes that… (with dis­gust) Asian?

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: Red­Shikari

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Mold­ing Young Minds

Eng­lish teacher: Class, I’d like you to re­mem­ber where the line is. It is al­ways mov­ing, and it is de­ter­mined by me.

–Bronx Sci­ence

Over­heard by: HJWC

Eng­lish teacher: I rose up in­to the air and flew out the win­dow… You did­n’t no­tice this?

–Hunter Col­lege High

Over­heard by: stu­pid eng­lish stu­dent

Old teacher: Okay, there are three rules in this class­room, and I am com­plete­ly se­ri­ous. Num­ber one, no swear­ing. Num­ber two, no scuf­fles. Num­ber three, no sex un­til 3:20 when you can do what you want.

–Grace Church School

Teacher: I’m a huge fan of bath­room stall graf­fi­ti! My fa­vorite from this school is in the third floor bath­room: ‘If you can read this, you are poop­ing.’

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Teacher to an­oth­er: You are a he­m­or­rhoid in my ass.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

Health teacher: Drug abuse is a symp­tom of sui­cide.

–Hunter Col­lege High

Eng­lish teacher: The next scene is about sex, so pay at­ten­tion. You might learn some­thing.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie