Archive for the ‘Innuendo’ Category

Para­praxic Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy: I had to swal­low… The whole thing!

–9th Ave & 44th St

Big guy: Did I tell you? The oth­er week­end I caught Jack­’s sausage!

–Du­ane Reed, Jack­son Heights
Queens

Over­heard by: Mrs. LeClair

Girl, on fire­fight­ers pack­ing equip­ment: Man, there’s a lot of hose out there!

–Hanover Square

Cus­tomer: If I’m go­ing to pay 20 dol­lars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me some­thing to wipe my face with.

–45th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: mad­nyc

One moth­er to an­oth­er, both push­ing strollers: He just won’t suck on any­thing else!

–5th Ave be­tween 8th & 9th St
Park Slope

Over­heard by: Wank­rupt

Dad in­struct­ing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up in­to your mouth.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: vm

Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There’s re­al­ly a lake called Tit­ty Ca­Ca!

–8th Ave &16th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Toot Their Own Horns

Guy on cell: Gui­tars… gui­tarists, gui­tarists… drum­mers, yeah, any mu­si­cians… Girls, yeah! Girls!

–Prospect Heights

Suave Eu­ro­pean guy: I am play­ing the pi­ano and the flute. At the same time. It’s a metaphor.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Li­brar­i­an­ish-look­ing woman: He asked me if I want­ed to blow his tu­ba, and I said, “sure!”. It was amaz­ing­ly hard­er than I thought it would be. And, he’s bring­ing his or­gan to­mor­row so I can play with it.

–Bat­tery Park Star­bucks

30-some­thing woman: My con­sul­tant was telling me I should try not to sound elit­ist. But that’s re­al­ly hard for me. I mean, I have two mas­ter’s de­grees and I play the vi­o­lin.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Body­builder on cell: I’m think­ing a harp­si­chord, a wig, and a whole lot­ta tal­cum pow­der.

–Chi­na­town Bus

Blonde high school girl: Grind­ing is as prac­ti­cal as play­ing the harp­si­chord was for Jane Austen.

–Up­per East Side

They Take Your Mon­ey and Don’t Care If You Live or Die

JAP #1: It’s like, I can’t dance on the bar and dress slut­ty any­more. It’s just not ap­pro­pri­ate.
JAP #2: You did it in col­lege all the time.
JAP #1: But col­lege is dif­fer­ent! Col­lege is like be­ing in Ve­gas…
JAP #2: Yeah, for four years!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

When Cow Tip­ping Goes Bad

Younger guy: She was a bit fat­ter than I ex­pect­ed.
Old­er guy: Well, you still did the deed though?
Younger guy: Yes, of course I did. I had the beer gog­gles on to pro­tect me but it was hard to keep the cat­tle prod charged.
Old­er guy: Well, it’s not the pussy’s fault.

–42nd & Av­enue of the Amer­i­c­as

Head­line by: chub­ba

Run­ners-Up:
· “Al­so, Her Tail Kept Get­ting in the Way” — sam
· “I Learned a Lot That Sum­mer on the Ranch…” — Mark
· “If On­ly I Had My +5 Ar­mor with +2 Strength.” — Be­van
· “It’s the Whale At­tached to It” — Bizzznatch
· “They Al­ways Blame the Cat, Nev­er the Dog…” — Steve Gotz

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