Archive for the ‘Insects’ Category

Un­less They Come with Lit­tle Hookahs

Thug #1, flail­ing as piece of straw wrap­per lands on him from above: What the fuck was that shit?!
Thug #2: Shit! That fuck­ing looked like a cat­apil­la, man!
Thug #1, shout­ing at bal­cony above: Don’t you fuck­ing throw yo’ cat­apil­las at me! Damn!

–40th & 7th

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

What’s a Nice Wednes­day Like You Do­ing in a One-Lin­er Like This?

Creep­ster to woman with child en­ter­ing train: You can sit here. There’s no rea­son to be stand­ing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much bet­ter when you were stand­ing.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got to­geth­er, we could make the next Oba­ma.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagi­na Whis­per­er.”

–Moe’s Bar. Brook­lyn

Guy hit­ting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do some­thing weird… I’ll pour hon­ey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the clos­et and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I’ll pour but­ter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the but­ter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Old­er fat man yelling at at­trac­tive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beau­ti­ful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.

–Broad­way & Hewes, Brook­lyn

Wednes­day One-Lin­er Ink

Girl to friend: She has a Shake­speare quote tat­tooed on her body, so she must be smart.

–Bleeck­er St

Over­heard by: Lyssa

Mid­dle aged dude to an­oth­er: That fuck­en bitch, man. I wish I had her on a t‑shirt in­stead of on my chest and back.

–Prince & Lafayette

Slight­ly ghet­to white girl on cell: What hap­pens when a bug bites you on your tat­too?

–D Train

Over­heard by: 4‑dumb

Tourist grand­moth­er to eight-year-old grand­daugh­ter: Do, do you like mom­my’s new neck tat­too? (pause) Yeah, me nei­ther.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Jas

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers from Joe’s Apart­ment

Man: Would you rather have a hat made of spi­ders or penis­es for fin­gers?

–93rd & 2nd

Over­heard by: Steve

Woman on cell: She told me she felt like a pecan pie cov­ered in roach­es. Is­n’t that weird? So I told her, ‘Hon­ey, it’s time to call the ex­ter­mi­na­tor.’

–Smith & War­ren St, Cob­ble Hill, Brook­lyn

Hobo: You’re noth­ing but a flea on a tick­’s ass!

–18th & Park

Hip­pie: So, I’m stand­ing there naked and this roach is siz­ing up my junk…

–Shut­tle

Over­heard by: Cap­i­tal­ist Pig

Chick on cell: … Well, if you did­n’t throw spi­ders at him…

–15th & 7th

Cube dweller: I think spi­ders would like my head — so much emp­ty space to crawl around in.

–But­t­er­ick Build­ing, NYU School of Law

Over­heard by: miss­ing in ac­tion

I Wan­na Dip My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers in It!

Dude, walk­ing up to se­cu­ri­ty desk in emer­gency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off.

–St. Lukes Roo­sevelt Hos­pi­tal

Over­heard by: Kate Melvin

Ston­er chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the pho­tos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all.

–7 train

Over­heard by: bron­wyn

Out-of-place gui­do: I ain’t wear­ing noth­in’ that touch­es my balls to my ass­hole!

–8th Ave

Over­heard by: finds it com­fort­ing

Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it’s like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy’s chick flick!!!”

–E 85th St & 3rd Ave

Guy: I use Burt’s bees for my balls.

–Broad­way & W 4th

Over­heard by: Jake R

Guy #1 to guy #2: I re­al­ly think you’d feel a lot bet­ter if you felt my balls.

–6th Ave & Bleeck­er