Archive for the ‘Insects’ Category

You Sure It Was­n’t a Roach?

Girl #1: Dread­locks are so dirty. How do you wash them?
Girl #2: My friend told me about this guy she knew whose dreads were so dirty that one day he found a scor­pi­on in them.
Girl #3: Are you sure it was­n’t just lice?
Girl #2: No, it was a scor­pi­on.
Girl #4: Well, wait, where was he from?
Girls #1, #3, and #4, to­geth­er: Ja­maica?

–41st & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Scor­pi­ons are creepy

Shall We Con­sult Our Bi­ol­o­gy Text­books?

Guy, look­ing at his­toric build­ings: This is the kind of thing they should have taught us in school.
Girl: Yeah, there’s a lot of things that schools did­n’t teach us.
Guy: I think a bug just flew in­to my nose.
Girl: What?
Guy: It’s squirm­ing around in there. It’s re­al­ly un­com­fort­able. I don’t know what to do about it.

–Gov­er­nor’s Is­land

Over­heard by: Kevin

Let’s Hop on a Bus, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Man on cell: Yo Ham­ster! Oh, hey Toma­to, whats goin’ on?

–Bx12 bus

Over­heard by: Court­ney C

Girl on cell: I swear it had to be 8 or 9 inch­es long…yeah I know, I was shocked. It was the biggest damned cock­roach I have ever seen…yes, a roach, what did you think I was talk­ing about?

–Bx9 bus

Over­heard by: ogie

Bus dri­ver: Next stop 3rd Av­enue. We’ll be ar­riv­ing in a week to 10 days…Anyone want to get off here? That’ll be $50. Send me a check.

–M14D bus

Over­heard by: Sher­ri

We All Still Miss Belushi

His­pan­ic man #1: Fuck­ing wind. It’s fuck­ing cold up here, Holmes.
His­pan­ic man #2: Peo­ple com­plain about New York too much, man. Re­mem­ber how we had them killer bees?

–120th be­tween 1st & Pleas­ant

Over­heard by: Patrick Ste­gall

Like Rid­ing the Sub­way, Eat­ing Piz­za­’s Bet­ter If You Nev­er Make Eye Con­tact

Girl #1: Ohmigod! I just saw a cock­roach.
Girl #2: Ew! God­dammit, I don’t want to have to leave, this piz­za is re­al­ly good!
Girl #1: The roach had wings, so that means it came in from out­side and this place is­n’t nec­es­sar­i­ly roach-in­fest­ed.
Girl #2: But it could be.
Girl #1: For the pur­pos­es of us en­joy­ing this awe­some piz­za, it is­n’t.
Girl #2, as girl #1 con­tin­ues eat­ing her piz­za: And that is what psy­chol­o­gists call “ra­tio­nal­iza­tion”.

–Piz­za Place, 31st St

Over­heard by: An A+ in psy­chol­o­gy, an F in life

An In­fes­ta­tion of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman on phone: I am be­ing nice, but I’m not go­ing to de­scribe to you in great de­tail what a bug looks like!

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Over­heard by: R&L

Man in zoot suit: When I talk, I don’t want you bitch­es say­ing noth­ing! I on­ly wan­na hear the cock­roach­es for­ni­cat­ing on the walls!

–F Train

Over­heard by: Rea­gan

Hip­ster: It was like watch­ing a pray­ing man­tis have a seizure.

–16th & 8th

Wast­ed girl on side­walk: No, I am so up­set, I am so up­set, I lost the back of my phone and there is a bug, a bug!

–11th & Broad­way

Old la­dy: She looks pret­ty much like a roach.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Adam Nathan

There’s a Wednes­day One-Lin­er in My Hair! Get It Out! Get It Out!

Guy: I don’t think bees even have vagi­nas.

–23rd & 3rd

Suit to an­oth­er: I want him scru­ti­nized. At a gnat’s ass lev­el!

–Mid­town Of­fice

Mid­dle school thug: I been ra­dioac­ti­vatin’ spi­ders in my kitchen.

–C Train

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

Moth­er to five-year-old boy: No, you can’t buy grand­ma a plas­tic spi­der for Christ­mas!

–74th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane’s Hus­band

Guy on cell: Hey, did I tell you I got drunk last night and or­dered 1,500 la­dy­bugs off the in­ter­net?

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Ash­ley

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have 23 In­tel­li­gence, but 6 Charis­ma

Fat col­lege guy on cell: I on­ly read books with ro­bot in­sects on the cov­er. If it does­n’t have ro­bot in­sects, I slap a stick­er on. Pride and Prej­u­dice? Ro­bot in­sects on the cov­er makes it bet­ter.

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: Fer­ry

Guy to friend: Look, the root of the prob­lem is that you have a shrine ded­i­cat­ed to se­mi-colons in your clos­est! I don’t care if they’re the god of all punc­tu­a­tion marks, that’s just weird!

–Stuyvesant High School

Met­ro­sex­u­al: I’m fair­ly cer­tain that I’ve read every sin­gle fan­ta­sy se­ries that has drag­ons in it.

–Stuyvesant Town

Over­heard by: Karin

Ghet­to chick: Nah, all I’m say­in’s is that even if you look like Steve Urkel, as long as you got the brain of Steve Urkel, you good with me.

–Ja­maica-bound F train

Over­heard by: Floyd

Leader of pack of teen boys dressed up like Star Trek char­ac­ters: I did­n’t say it was a good plan­et…

–Tuxe­do Re­nais­sance Fes­ti­val

Over­heard by: Mur­ray