Archive for the ‘Insults’ Category

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

As the Dodgers Said in 1957

Guy #1: (howls like an an­i­mal)
Guy #2: (makes owl noise and starts hoot­ing)
Group of peo­ple, in­clud­ing guys #1 and #2: (all start mak­ing an­i­mal calls, screams, hoots etc)
Man #1 on train: Shut the fuck up!
Group of howlers: (spo­rad­i­cal­ly throws in more an­i­mal nois­es and then pro­fuse­ly thanks the glar­ing au­di­ence as they ex­it train)
Man#2 on train: At least they’re some­one else’s prob­lem now.
Man#1 on train: I’m nev­er go­ing to Brook­lyn again.

–F Train

Over­heard by: it on­ly takes 3 stops to de­cide

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Like a Dog in Heat

Con­duc­tor: Hey, clear the clos­ing doors, bitch.

–8th St

Chick on cell: So, how did your date go? Did she call the po­lice on you this week? … Did she have you es­cort­ed out of her build­ing this week? … No? Then why did you call me? You just want­ed to tell me that? … Oh, you had a big fight? Was it be­cause she’s a crazy bitch?

–225th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Eight-year-old boy to younger kid: If we were in prison you’d be my bitch!

–Hud­son & Christo­pher

Over­heard by: Talia

Black man: Went out, got that bitch some food. Bitch was hun­gry. Got her some food, took her out back, and she sucked my dick. Licked my balls. She’s on­ly 21. Gonna mar­ry that bitch.

–34th & 8th

Guy to bud­dy: No, it ac­tu­al­ly sucks be­cause she’s a self­ish bitch. She switched our cell phones be­cause mine vi­brates bet­ter… So she can get off in her cube.

–Her­shey store, Times Square

Dude on cell: Well… Well, there’s groups of bitch­es. There’s, like, a group of bitch­es here… and a group of bitch­es there.

–Out­side bar, 32nd & 4th, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: A Lone Bitch

Guy in full yel­low suit with match­ing hat: I don’t get this girl. You know what I’m say­ing, ’cause you know I’m the nicest nig­ga to a bitch.

–Wait­ing for the L, Union Square

Maybe Mom Got a Head Wound in Iraq, or Some­thing

Lit­tle kid: Hey, mom, look! You can see the moon!
Ghet­to mom: Shut up! You can’t see no moon when the sun out. Sit down ‘fore I bust yo lit­tle ass!
Lit­tle kid: But I can see the moon!
Nice old­er la­dy to kid: You’re right, hon­ey. You can see the moon when the sun is out. The moon is bright be­cause of the sun.
Kid to mom: See, I told you I could see the moon?
Ghet­to mom: That bitch lyin’!

–A Train

Over­heard by: in­no­cent mta cus­tomer

You Ghet­to-of-the-Ivy-League Pos­er

Co­lum­bia stu­dent: Do you go to NYU?
NYU stu­dent: Yes, how did you know?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I could tell by your dirty shoes. NYU gets their stu­dents from the home­less shel­ter.
NYU stu­dent: Ex­cuse me?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I’m your biggest en­e­my.
NYU stu­dent: What?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I go to Co­lum­bia.
NYU stu­dent: Can you leave me alone?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: Coop­er Union Stu­dent

Call­ing Me on My Trans­par­ent Scam Like That

Home­less man to pas­sen­gers: If you ever have any left­over food or drinks or what­not, you can bring them to me at this ad­dress. (hands out busi­ness cards)
Suit: Umm… How’d you get the mon­ey to print out busi­ness cards?
Home­less man: Kiss my ass, give me that card back!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Chris­tine

Wel­come to the Wednes­day One-Lin­er Po­si­tion­ing Sys­tem

Girl on cell, look­ing for her friends: Can you see me? Look at the sun, I’m di­rect­ly un­der it right now.

–Sheep Mead­ow, Cen­tral Park

Guy on cell: Yeah, we’ll go now. Okay. Right now, I’m at 116 and Hamsterdam–Hamsterdam? What the fuck did I just say? Oh, wow, that is a dis­turb­ing men­tal im­age. Yeah, ex­act­ly. Riv­er full of ham­sters. Okay, see ya.

–116th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: That would be tru­ly ter­ri­fy­ing.

Harlem woman on cell: Come find me! I’m on the down­town side of the street!

–East Side

Drunk guy on cell: Yo, I’m on the cor­ner of fuckin’ some­thin’ an some­thin’.

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Drunk on cell: Where am I? Where am I? I’m at the cor­ner of Charles Street and moth­er­fuck­ing I don’t know!

–West Vil­lage

Woman to friends: Oh thank god! I feel so much safer now that we’re at 7th Av­enue.

–G Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Dim­mer Than a Flint­stones Night Light

Gay guy to friend: I may be gay but I’m not stu­pid.

–The Flame Din­er, 58th St & 9th Ave

Woman to man: But they were on­ly stop­ping the dum­b­ass­es… That’s why they stopped your dumb ass.

–W 66th St & Am­s­ter­dam Ave

Over­heard by: Su­san Vol­chok

(Blonde is hav­ing trou­ble hail­ing cab dur­ing rush hour)
Gyp­sy cab dri­ver in town car: No one will take you cuz you’re stu­pid!

–116th & Broad­way

20-some­thing guy to girl: It’s eleven and it will take you till one to get home, then I’ll call you and tell you how stu­pid you are.

–4th St Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Glad I’m not dat­ing him

Girl: Alex­is, we’ve been over this. You’re stu­pid.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Cros­by

Bim­bette, yelling in­to cell: Yo! Look who you’re talk­ing to–I’m not ex­act­ly the smartest per­son in the world!

–Am­s­ter­dam Ave

Over­heard by: dumb as a rock

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Just “So­cia­ble”

Drunk gay man: I’ve slept with more men than my mom has!

–Ave A

Over­heard by: Let his own mom win that con­test

Woman to man: I don’t want to be known as the whore of New York­ers.

–9th Ave & 44th St

Woman on cell: It’s just sex. There’s no way you guys can ever be per­ma­nent­ly tied, or any­thing.

–Ma­cy’s

Prep­py, mid­dle-aged woman, about man on iPhone: Who is that whore?

–Book­store, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: ‑she prob­a­bly said