Archive for the ‘Insults’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Hope the Build­ing Does­n’t Go Con­do

Fa­ther to young son: We’ll get an apart­ment in Ken­tucky. Then you’ll on­ly have to go to school through 6th grade.”

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Dash­ing Dan

Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apart­ment bro­ker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Lezbotron

Guy: Well, my week has been in­ter­est­ing. Last month Mered­ith tried to sub­let my apart­ment right out from un­der me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fi­ancé– a re­ceipt from when she got an abor­tion last sum­mer.

–10th & 1st

Over­heard by: ED

Rea­son­able cop: Even though it’s a stinkin frig­gin apart­ment, he’s got a place to put his ug­ly fuckin head.

–Dunkin Donuts, Wood­side, Queens

Twink #1 to twink #2: I be­lieve in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apart­ment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.

–50th St & 9th Ave

Con­duc­tor on very crowd­ed F train: Those of you with very small apart­ments will ap­pre­ci­ate them now.

–F Train

Over­heard by: da sarkastik nin­ja.

A Smor­gash­board Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman to man: I know! I don’t fry any­thing. I don’t even fry my food any­more.

–47th & 6th

Over­heard by: A very dis­turbed News­bun­ny

Old Jew­ish woman to hus­band hold­ing restau­rant left­overs: It’s a sin to waste that food. You could send it to Is­rael!

–Up­per West Side

Over­heard by: What a waste!

Prep­py guy: At least *I’m* not the one mo­lest­ing fic­tion­al ce­re­al pitch­men.

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl on cell, talk­ing loud­ly: I don’t know what I want, but what­ev­er I want, I want French fries with it.

–John St

Prep­py girl on cell: Do they study eggs? (pause) Eggs! (pause) Do they study eggs?

–Times Square

Fe­male new stu­dent to boyfriend: You have to stop with this whole bur­ri­to-is-a-dick thing.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Over­heard by: Catie

You Can’t Judge a Wednes­day by Its One-Lin­er

Col­lege stu­dent: This is the best Barnes & No­ble I’ve ever seen!

–Bor­ders, Time Warn­er Cen­ter

Stu­dent: So, the au­thor of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re call­ing him L‑train.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Hark­er

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m read­ing. It’s off the hook! They’re send­ing in this un­der­cov­er agent, and I think it’s his sis­ter, but he’s all get­ting ready to have sex with her!

–White Cas­tle, 36th & 8th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & No­ble. (pause) Nig­ga, I can read!

–Union Square

Lit­tle British boy: Oh my good­ness, dad, look! They have books on dat­ing. How to Date? is prob­a­bly like, “Don’t take her to Mc­Don­ald’s!”

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Tat­tooed art­sy guy, putting hand on art­sy Asian girl’s shoul­der: I read your book and re­al­ly liked it… lot­ta piss­ing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

Prob­a­bly at His Krispy Kreme Of­fice

Lawyer guy: Don’t wor­ry about that, ma’am. We’re gonna make sure you don’t have to wor­ry about mon­ey for a long, long time.
Hobo: Shit, you got some mon­ey? Let me hold a mil­lion dol­lars.
Lawyer guy: Ha, ha, ha! No thank you, sir.
Hobo: You ain’t shit, nig­ga. Fuck you and your gay-ass hair. Where were you when I broke my leg, Mista Lawya?

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Ful­ton & Nas­sau

Over­heard by: Matt M

Sure­ly She Does­n’t Mean Ronald reg­giN?

Woman: …you know, he was much dark­er than the oth­er kids who were re­al­ly white, so he was called a nig­ger. He was dyslex­ic.
Man: Wha?
Woman: But he was a strong boy. One time when he was bit­ten by a dog, I came in to his room and he was ly­ing there with blood on him. He did­n’t scream or say a word…a very strong boy.
Man: What are you talk­ing about?

–Times Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers You Can Dance to

Dude: He’s the black, blind Mo­town equiv­a­lent of Ken­ny G.

–113th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl, while leav­ing screen­ing of “I am leg­end”: Okay… I can­not be­lieve the woman did not know Bob Mar­ley! I mean, that had to be the most un­re­al­is­tic thing in that en­tire film.

–Fresh Mead­ows, Queens

Over­heard by: hm­mm…

Curly-haired chick: Has New Or­der be­come an okay kinky sex back­ground band? Am I *old*?

–113th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Poo­gins

Guy, stand­ing next to guy lis­ten­ing to Jour­ney on his iPod: Get away from me! Just get the fuck away from me!

–2 Train

Dumb girl dressed like Scary Spice en route to the con­cert: Yeah, a lot of peo­ple think that the Spice Girls like, re­in­stat­ed fem­i­nism.

–NJ Tran­sit

Yale grad: Em­inem has a won­der­ful sense of me­ter.

–Court St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Justin Case­ment

Queer: We on­ly stayed for 15 min­utes, I’m not that in­to karaoke. And when a coven of les­bians start cast­ing their spells to “My Sharona”, I was out­ta there.”

–Cham­bers & Green­wich

Over­heard by: Grand Witch Muffy