Archive for the ‘Internet’ Category

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk

Laina and Nathan (A NYC Short Sto­ry)

Man: Why’d you read all my email?
Woman: I on­ly did it once.
Man: Yeah, right. You men­tioned whether I wrote to Bar­ry about that girl from Cana­da out of the blue, where’d that come from?
Woman: Why would I lie?
Man: It’s against the law. You vi­o­lat­ed me. I’d nev­er do that to you.
Woman: You’d do it.
Man: No.
Woman: You don’t get it.
Man: I do.
Woman: Here, read my email.
Man: No.
Woman: Read mine!
Man: Laina, no!
Woman: “I liked the way you touched me af­ter yo­ga class–”
Man: Laina, it was a joke!
Woman: It’s not fun­ny.
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You fucked her! And what about Match.com girl? You gave her your home email.
Man: Please. When was this?
Woman: Jan­u­ary. What is that? You want to screw oth­er peo­ple? Why is that?
Man: Laina…it was a joke.
Woman: Oh, and what about this? “I love the way your long hair shakes down on­to my chest. I will have to re­pay you soon.”
Man: I did­n’t pay her a dime.
Woman: Two weeks lat­er you went with me and my fam­i­ly to the Vine­yard.
Man: You have every right to be up­set. It was once, hon­ey!
Woman: You told me you loved me!
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You don’t joke like this with some­one you used to fuck and still likes you.
Man: I did­n’t fuck her.
Woman: She still likes you.
Man: Laina.
Woman: You’re sick, Nathan! You hear me?! You’re just sick!

–Cafe Pick Me Up, Av­enue A

Over­heard by: Gideon Wal­lace

The End Of West­ern Civ­i­liza­tion: An OINY Short Sto­ry.

Lawyer #1: I saw this fun­ny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “re­tards” and there was this one called “re­tard­ed Brit­ney Spears fan.” It was a re­tard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two sec­onds of it be­fore I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “ex­treme pain”? I could on­ly watch about five sec­onds of it. A guy was cut­ting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That’s some sick shit. How’s your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her be­tween the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eat­ing pussy.” You’ll get a mil­lion hits!

–Civ­il Court, 141 Liv­ingston St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers with Two Per­cent Body Fat

Hip­ster girl to an­oth­er: Yeah, every­one has a crush on him, but he’s got hal­i­to­sis. And a con­cave chest!

–Mo­MA

Hip­ster chick to friend: Whoa. I just felt to­tal­ly suf­fo­cat­ed by cap­i­tal­ist so­ci­ety.

–NYU

Hip­ster in rain­bow moon­boots: So I say to this girl as I’m roofie-ing her juice box…

–Union Square

Over­heard by: eliza

Hip­ster chick on cell: Hel­lo? Hey! Guess what? I found my un­der­wear!

–1st Ave

Over­heard by: Aria Gril­lo

Hip­ster: I mean, you can’t just rock a som­brero and think that it’s cool.

–6th & 10th

Over­heard by: El

Hip­ster chick to tourist friends: … And across the street is where Al­bert Green­berg lived for a while.

–E 2nd St, across street from Allen Gins­berg’s for­mer walkup

Over­heard by: midtown_strangler

Hip­ster chick: I wan­na cre­ate a web­site: Nine-Eleven — get over it.

–4 train

Over­heard by: Hurtz donit

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Love Drunk Talk

Drunk girl with tin­sel in her hair: Al­right, so why is in my his­to­ry that it says “thehugestcock.com”?

–Star­bucks, Sheri­dan Square

Drunk guy: The Amazins? Fuck them! The on­ly amazin’ thing about them is they nev­er fuck­ing win…

–Down­town 6 Train

Drunk man at 1:30 am: Vagi­na bar!

–49th St, As­to­ria

Drunk girl­friend to even drunk­er boyfriend: Ohmigod! I have to get up in five hours and teach!

–116th St

Our Bad

Girl #1: So, we have a bet — if I have sex first, then I have to wear a shirt that she’s writ­ten all over, but if she– [looks around].
Girl #2: If she what?
Girl #1: … I’ll tell you lat­er. I feel like peo­ple are lis­ten­ing, and I don’t want to end up on some web­site.

–Star­bucks, 51st & Broad­way