Archive for the ‘Italians’ Category

Rab­bi: No, that’s To­tal­ly Cool

Ital­ian dude #1: No, it’s called Shalom in the Home. They send this Jew­ish guy in to tell you right from wrong.
Ital­ian dude #2: They send some Jew­ish guy in­to your house?
Ital­ian dude #1: Yeah, they send a Jew­ish guy in to, like, tell you if you’re do­ing some­thing wrong.
Ital­ian dude #2: So if you’re smokin’ crack, he’s all, ‘Don’t do that!’?

–Coop­er & 67th, Glen­dale

Over­heard by: Kim­ber­lee

Like MTV Made, or What?

40-some­thing drunk Ital­ian man in po­lo short and jeans: They tried to make me a made man when I was 16. Do you get what I’m sayin? I’ve got fuck­ing con­nec­tions. I know Duke. I know my broth­er. I know my dad.
40-some­thing white man in jeans, Hawai­ian shirt and long blond wig: No, but these peo­ple own the Bronx.
40-some­thing drunk Ital­ian man in po­lo short and jeans: Why do you have to be a dick? I told you, they tried to make me. I said no, but I still know my dad and Duke. If they try to hit you again, I got you. (yelling) Do you un­der­stand what that means? Made man? I was al­most made!

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Wednes­days Brush Af­ter Every One-Lin­er

Big, Ital­ian guy on cell: Braces? (pause) Why do you want braces? (pause) You don’t just get them ’cause you want them!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: I hat­ed braces

30-some­thing woman to friend: I start­ed get­ting cav­i­ties af­ter I start­ed mak­ing out with boys.


Over­heard by: An­gela

Drunk guy: I was­n’t hav­ing a heart at­tack, I was at the den­tist!

–M60 Bus

Hap­py tall man on cell: Al­right, nig­ga, brush your teef and all that, I wan­na get high!

–111th & Lenox Ave

How Car­lo End­ed Up in Iraq

Con­fused Ital­ian tourist: Ex­cuse me, this go to South Fer­ry?
Guy: Yes. It’s the last stop.
Con­fused Ital­ian tourist: How I tell?
Guy: What? It’s the last stop.
Con­fused Ital­ian tourist: How I tell? How I know?
Guy: All the oth­er tourists will get off! Fol­low the peo­ple like you.
Con­fused Ital­ian tourist: No! How I tell!
Guy: That guy with the cam­era… fol­low him!

–Down­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: Spoke Ital­ian but was feel­ing un­help­ful

Clap If You Be­lieve in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

NYU guy: I’m like a cen­taur, if ya know what I mean.

–Uni­ver­si­ty & 4th St

Over­heard by: sarah

Fe­male hip­ster to friends: Well, vam­pires are the new zom­bies!

–147th & Con­vent

Thug­gish straight guy to an­oth­er: Oh, I’d much rather be a fag­got than a de­mon, dawg.

–Park Ave & Spring St

Over­heard by: Christo­pher Schulz

In­ter­view­er, try­ing to con­vince in­ter­vie­wee: There’s not much of a fu­ture in be­ing an elf.


Ital­ian woman, star­ing at guy wear­ing Ghost­busters t‑shirt: You don­ta li­ka da ghosts?

–Meat­pack­ing Dis­trict

Over­heard by: Look­ing for my pro­ton pack

“That’sa Spicy Wednes­day One-Lin­er!”

Drunk guy, mat­ter-of-fact­ly: Every­one comes in here and thinks they’re smelling pot, when re­al­ly they’re just smelling Ital­ians.

–Ham­mer­stein Ball­room Men’s Room

Young girl on cell: Well, I mean, I have eat­en mac­a­roni. Does that count as Ital­ian?

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: Kay­la Mon­et­ta

Man on cell: And this guy smelled like shit! (pause) Yeah, I told him, “you smell like Ital­ian.”

–E 10th & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: molina1230

Loud brides­maid at Gui­do wed­ding: I’m Si­cil­ian from the waist up, Amer­i­can from the waist down.

–Brook­lyn Botan­ic Gar­den

Col­lege guy to friend: From the minute they got here, they start­ed eat­ing. Ital­ian feasts are pornog­ra­phy. Ital­ian food is il­lic­it sex to the pu­ri­tans. Every­thing the pu­ri­tans eat is bland and brown.

–Brook­lyn Col­lege

Mid­dle-aged, pot-bel­lied guy with a long pony-tail, stop­ping young woman on the street: Ex­cuse me, but I just want to say, once you’ve had Ital­ian food, you’re not hun­gry for any­thing else. I just ate a cal­zone and now I’m go­ing to go home and just go to sleep!

–8th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Not hun­gry ei­ther

And a Large Trash Bag, If You Have Any

Crazy Ital­ian man to cashier: Fuck­ing ass­hole! Where’s my fuck­ing mon­ey, fuck­ing ass­hole?! You owe me mon­ey! She’s Ger­man!
Cashier: Who?
Crazy Ital­ian man: The Ger­man whore owes me $10,000! You’ll be find­ing her body in the base­ment! That whore bet­ter watch out! I’m Ital­ian and I know mafiosi from here to Bev­er­ly Hills! …I’ll have a cof­fee to go…

–Eu­ropan Cafe, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: ryan and erin

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Now in Col­or!

Asian school­girl to friend: So he says “you’re a racist,” and I’m like, “I can’t be a racist, I’m a race!”

–Ridge­wood, Queens

Over­heard by: Squidoc­to

Fair-skinned Ital­ian Long Is­land woman: So they both took a pa­per bag test, and passed.

–Barnes & No­ble Cafe

Over­heard by: a.j.w.

Yup­pie In­di­an woman: In *my* cul­ture, I’m not black.

–Flat­bush Ave

Over­heard by: mo­jbe

Ridicu­lous­ly loud girl em­ploy­ee: Bob­by! What’s your eth­nic­i­ty?


Over­heard by: …not the on­ly shocked ob­serv­er

Eight-year old black kid to 20-some­thing babysit­ter, about younger broth­er: He likes black girls, but I like white girls!

–Out­side De­lancey Sta­tion