Archive for the ‘JAPs’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Huh! What Is It Good For?

JAP on cell: If more peo­ple wore glit­ter there would no war.

–Ther­a­py Store

Crazy old guy: I want a dog for pres­i­dent. You know why? Dogs don’t start wars.

–31St & Dit­mars, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Ran­di and Patrick

(at an an­ti-war ral­ly)
Street ven­dor: Say no to war, say yes to Louis Vuit­ton!

–Mid­town

Over­heard by: Oh the irony

50-some­thing guy on cell: You see, we are a mil­i­tary agency, not a gov­ern­ment agency. (pause) So when I punched out that Home­land Se­cu­ri­ty guy, I punched out a civil­ian.

–Union Square Park

Over­heard by: Kse­nia

Eight-year-old boy: I dare you to fight in the civ­il war!

–7 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­er’s Last Dance with Mary Jane

Pro­fes­sor: We will talk about the JDC–the Amer­i­can Jew­ish Joint Dis­tri­b­u­tion Com­mit­tee. And no, they were not dis­pens­ing mar­i­jua­na.

–Queens Col­lege

Over­heard by: Sha­niP

Trashy JAP on cell: So I told her I was sell­ing, and that bitch was like, “Ka­t­ri­na, for how much?” And I was like “Oh my god, mom, it does­n’t mat­ter how much the weed is go­ing for, all that mat­ters is the qual­i­ty!”

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Over­heard by: pene­lope

Ran­dom stranger to teens: You want to buy some weed? Just come back to my mom’s house!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Rhi­an

Col­lege stu­dent on cell: Mom, you’ve got to stop smok­ing so much weed. I mean, fuck!

–Time Square

Ran­dom dude on street: I got it all! Liquor, al­co­hol, mar­i­jua­na, Chips Ahoy! I got it!

–44th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Lag­ster

Street ven­dor: Pra­da bags, Louis Vuit­ton bags, Guc­ci bags, mar­i­jua­na bags… (every­one looks over at him) Hey, I got­ta make mon­ey some­how.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: mary jane

Why Is This Girl Rid­ing the Sub­way?

JAP: Oh my god, I can’t wait to move in­to the city. I can’t take my house any­more, my par­ents are al­ways up my ass. Gab­by, what time will you be home? Gab­by, don’t for­get to tell Rosa to pick up your dry clean­ing! Gab­by, we’re pay­ing your tu­ition, you can’t treat this house like a ho­tel! It’s so an­noy­ing! I just wan­na be on my own, I can take care of my­self, I don’t need them con­stant­ly do­ing stuff for me!
Friend: Yeah… So where were you think­ing of mov­ing?
JAP: I dun­no, my dad said he might let me move in­to his apart­ment on 89th. Ei­ther that, or a part­ner at his firm is sell­ing a co-op that he might buy for me. He said I can choose.

–Up­town W train

Enough to Be Greedy, but Not Enough to Feel Guilty about It

Chick #1: Some­times I won­der if my Jew­ish­ness has more to do with liv­ing in New York.
Chick #2: I to­tal­ly know what you mean. Like, how Jew­ish would we be in Cal­i­for­nia?

–7th St, be­tween 1st & Ave A

Head­line by: Kevin

Run­ners-Up:
· “Fan­tas­tic Goy­age” — j3rry
· “I Think More Than Madon­na, Less Than Je­sus” — alex gher­ar­di
· “Like, Do These Tefill­in, Like, Make My Wig Look Fat?” — Her­bie McHe­brew
· “Putting the El-Al in LA” — kerm
· “We Still Would­n’t Swal­low, but We’d Spit Cool­er” — Rain­danceRichard

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Think “Speed Dat­ing” Re­quires Meth

Jew­ish girl: She signs up for JDate, goes out to din­ner, and is en­gaged in four months. I sign up for JDate, and I go out to din­ner with a duck. What the hell!

–As­to­ria

Suit on cell: That’s what you get when you start dat­ing at age 18 while vol­un­teer­ing in a Croa­t­ian refugee camp.

–M66 Bus

Fe­male 30-some­thing suit: Why would you think I don’t have taste in men just be­cause I’d do a guy with a hook, or a guy in a wheel­chair?

–31st & Cres­cent, As­to­ria

Loud woman on cell: It’s called “com­mu­ni­ca­tion,” Lar­ry! Com­mu­ni­ca­tion! You are such an id­iot!

–3rd Ave b/w 40th & 41st

Over­heard by: Tom

Col­lege guy to friend: I don’t un­der­stand it, man. Every time I go out with this girl, like her vagi­na is show­ing.

–8th St & Uni­ver­si­ty

Man on cell: 26 years? Damn! Af­ter 26 days, I’d be all like, “bitch, I love you and all, but the next word that comes out­ta yo mouth, I’m gonna have to bash yo head in with a fry­ing pan. I’m sic­ka hearin’ the sound of yo voice!” No, of course I don’ mean that, ba­by.

–JFK Air­port

Over­heard by: Ri­ot

How Many Weight Watch­ers Points Are in a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

NYU JAP on phone to moth­er (en­raged): Ugh, mom! No! Wear­ing sea­son­al­ly in­ap­pro­pri­ate out­er­wear will not make me sweat and lose weight!

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Maeve

Woman in line with friend at Du­ane Reade, read­ing can of en­er­gy drink: Wait. There’s carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when peo­ple go on, like, a low carb di­et, they don’t eat any bread, right? But I still don’t un­der­stand why there’s bread in here. What­ev­er. It does­n’t even taste like bread.

–Du­ane Reade

10-year-old kid to friend: So you’re a year old­er than me, but you’re 20 pounds lighter? That’s fucked up.

–Christo­pher St & Wa­ver­ly Place

Over­heard by: sharknife

Girl: You know how some peo­ple are so­cial drinkers? I’m a so­cial eater.

–NYU

Over­heard by: nin­ja z

Asian fash­ion­ista: Yeah, I think I’m like a size 12 in boys.

–Conde Nast Build­ing

Over­heard by: jack­at­tack

Loud guy on cell: Ac­tu­al­ly, I can’t be bu­lim­ic any­more be­cause I have no gag re­flex. I’ve been suck­ing too much cock.

–34th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Alis